Now we're all equipped with our anti-cancer drug, it was time to launch The Weapon. After a full breakfast (while I can still manage to get him to eat it) C was ready to take the first of his 28 day drugs - plus an anti sickness tablet to be on the safe side. I took it out of the packet and had a good talk to it: "Now look mate, your job is to get inside my husband, find that bastard cancer and kick its ass big time; I don't care how you do it, just do it quick, do it hard and don't mess up. We don't have another option, we're pinning our hopes on you sunshine, now go to it." And C swallowed the tablet; something inside me lit up like a Christmas tree - after all these weeks of waiting we finally had the means at our disposal to fight back against this cancer instead of hanging in limbo. When he swallowed that tablet it was like a victory - I know we have a long way to go, but at last we are waging war on this cancer and it felt DAMN GOOD!!! The good thing is that he hasn't had any side effects today, apart from what he's been going through anyway, which is getting tired quite quickly.
So off we went to do the Tesco shop again (it's Tuesday then, right?) which went well and was under £100 for a change. It does frustrate C that he can't lift the heavy shopping bags though; he worries that people will see me lugging them around and think he's mean - I counter that by saying I am not a wimpy woman and have these arm muscles for a reason, plus it's good exercise!!! And also of course if I'm lugging them down from the car, he can start putting the shopping away...score!!!
After lunch he was quite tired; he needed a toes up so went and had a power nap on the sofa while I caught up with emails and the like. Once up and about we packed the tea making kit and took the dogs over to The Duver, a nice flat walk that C could manage. Sidney was mental - I didn't get to take him out yesterday and boy was he ADHD on speed; never stopped running about and even did the fetching-a-stick thing which he doesn't normally do; I even got him in the water without a problem!! We opened the hut up and I made tea, and we'd brought fruit cake; we sat outside the hut with a mug of tea and slice of cake like a couple of old dears!!! People walking past do seem quite envious though...it is lovely to sit there and watch the world go by.
I've been in my current job eleven years today. I realised this this morning. I have a thing for dates sticking in my mind. It's been an interesting thought, and so much has changed along the way, but I am still very lucky in that I have amazing, friendly, supportive colleagues where I work and I am grateful on a daily basis for that. I also have ex-colleagues with whom I keep in touch and they have become good friends too - can't have enough of those at the moment.
Getting through the morning proved a bit of a challenge, knowing we had the appointment at the Chemo Unit at 2.30. Thankfully the golf started early, so C had something to focus on and take his mind off worrying - although he had had a bit of a down spell first thing (I think a pattern's emerging here; mornings are when he feels at his most vulnerable and emotionally fragile). We also spent a bit of time getting the veg and stuff ready for dinner - as I hadn't done a roast yesterday I was planning to get it ready for them today as Rom was in and Daniel was coming over. It's also a good opportunity to get more decent food into C, which I know is going to get more difficult over the next few months. As both of us were doing veg, it meant that one of us had to use the new peeler I bought at Ikea a while ago - now I am left handed, and cope admirably with the peeler we already have; unfortunately for me it's a dual handed peeler so it's fine for C to use as well, which meant that it was a race to the utensil drawer to see who 'drew the short straw' for the new one - it was me. There then ensued a quarter of an hour of trying to manoeuvre this peeler around some spuds - not a very satisfying activity for me as it ended up with me 'flaking' bits of peel off instead of doing it in a nice spiral as I usually do...mental note for next time: either get to the drawer first or get someone else to do the peeling!!
It was not easy leaving the house to go to the hospital, purely because the Ryder Cup was getting so nail-bitingly tense that we both wanted to watch it! We knew we'd miss the end of it so even having it on the car radio on the way was frustrating. We'd decided to get there early as the parking is a nightmare, especially in the afternoons as visiting time starts at 2.30 and our appointment was at, yep you guessed it, 2.30. We were very jammy however as someone was reversing out of a parking space just as I turned into the car park, so into the space I sailed and felt very smug watching other cars arriving and driving round the car park getting more frustrated. We managed to drag ourselves away from the golf on the radio, and went to get a cup of tea in the restaurant - I made the mistake of deciding to have a sandwich, as I hadn't had any lunch. The packet said it was egg and cress, it looked like egg and cress, but sadly that is where its relationship to egg and cress ceased - it tasted of nothing; I would have enjoyed eating the packet more. I have to admire the talent that sandwich maker has of creating the illusion of an egg and cress sandwich and managing to remove any semblance of flavour. Thank goodness the tea was okay!
We went off on time to find the Chemo Unit, which I am now going to affectionately call the Purple Palace - it's a lovely place, all clean and bright and airy, with comfy chairs (C promptly plonked himself in a mauve Laz-e-boy and started adjusting the seat position) a television discreetly in the background and windows all around. It almost felt like going into someone's new-build lounge, if you half closed one eye and ignored the electric IV pumps. Lovely place - it felt very calming and relaxed, which is how you want to feel, bearing in mind what you're there for. We were given a cup of tea and offered a nice posh biscuit, then met with one of the nurses there, who explained about the drug treatment and went through possible side effects etc, something they have to do so you're aware, although it's unlikely C will get all of them, and hopefully won't get any! She took all his information again (I swear we've done this three times already, but hey) and then gave us the drugs - he has the biotherapy drug, aka The Weapon, some anti-sickness medication and also some special mouth wash as mouth ulcers are a common side effect and this can help alleviate them. She also recommended that we monitor C's blood pressure daily so we went off and bought a machine to do that. We've also got what I call the 'Get Into A&E Free' card, which means that if C has any side effects of symptoms at night or over the weekend he can be seen as a priority case in A&E. Amazing how many doors this cancer can open....
Romilly was home when we got back, so we went through the whole thing with her so she knows what each drug is for and what we need to be aware of. We also tested out the blood pressure machine, which is a weird experience; that cuff gets really tight on your arm!!! We now have everything for C's treatment in a special box, including the diary we need to keep, and start tomorrow.
I was putting the finishing touches to the roast dinner when our lovely friend Deb appeared at the back door. She kept saying 'special delivery', which was nice as she is special (but it was a bit unusual for her to call herself that)...and when I turned around she was carrying a box of stuff. She said that she'd been asked to bring it in by my line manager at work - it was a box full of goodies for all of us, which my fantastically kind colleagues at work had put together; I burst into tears!!! I couldn't quite comprehend that they were so worried and concerned about me and my family that they'd do that, it was so touching and so amazingly generous that I went to bits (how wet, and there was me thinking I was holding it together - I collapse at the sight of such a lovely gift!). There was wine, chocolate, biscuits, popcorn, posh crisps and some DVDs - so so generous of them all and I can't thank them enough for such a wonderful surprise.
And so I had to leave all this activity (leaving Romilly to serve up and hope the dinner was okay and they didn't eat all the goodies from the box before I got back!) and go off to my choir sectional. Sopranos' turn tonight - the screechy lot - in Cowes. It's a really good boost for me to go to choir, even more so now. I also have wonderful friends in the choir, and when we all get together and sing it lifts the spirits like nothing else can. We worked hard on some difficult bits of the songs we're doing for Christmas and made some good progress; we are thrown a bit when we don't have the tune (which sopranos tend to have being the upper range of the choir) so it's extra frustrating!! We are so spoilt usually with lovely easy bits to sing! The two hours went by so fast; can't wait 'til Thursday now.
Home again and C was out for the count - he's been through the mill today emotionally, thinking about tomorrow when he starts taking the tablets. Bring it on....
By the time I woke up this morning C had been up for a few hours; he didn't have a great night, and was awake around 6am. This meant he'd had time to dwell, in the quiet hours of the early morning, on his illness without anyone to talk to or cheer him up. I'm afraid this failing of mine to be able to get up in the mornings is proving a worry for me, as it means he's alone; and right now that's not a good thing. I made more tea/coffee and we sat in bed having a chat and cheer up, and he felt better by the time he went off to meet his mate Neil for breakfast.
Neil has been a pal of C's for years - they got to know each other through the car trade, and when No 1 worked at Esplanade a few years ago - and have been golf partners too. They've stayed in touch, and I know that Neil is a real boost for C and sees him most weekends. This is great for C - man talk, or waffle if you like, about things other than cancer. By the time he got back he was feeling much more upbeat and perky. They'd had breakfast at Briddlesford Farm - something I think will become a regular thing.....
The Ryder Cup was back on by early afternoon, so we sat and watched it - I have to confess to getting quite involved in it, which is unusual for me and I don't really do sport. But there was something about beating the Americans that was so appealing I wanted to watch it unfold! I think I found a favourite in Miguel Angel Jimenez - perhaps it was his calm demeanour and cheeky smile, perhaps it was that he has curly hair; who knows? Anyhow it was nice to sit with C and watch this, have him explain things to me (like the term 'dormy' which I think is akin in terms of being understood by women as the offside rule is in football). He's been quite cheerful this afternoon, which is lovely to see; we've discovered that the discomfort he sometimes experiences can be resolved by sitting more upright, so he decided to forgo the slumpy comfort of the sofa for his director's chair - problem solved, even Sidney seemed to approve!
Oh how I hate housework. Hate it. But the down side to living in an old house is that it has a tendency to retain dust everywhere, and breeds its own cobwebs. And once you start lighting an open fire it just gets worse. So after a week's worth of horrible weather and being cooped up indoors I really had to get to grips with dusting and vaccuuming. Ick. Meantime, while I'm slaving away at home, C went off to see Jill - this is a total role reversal as he always did the housework and I was the one that went out!!! He came back armed with fresh carrots from Jill's garden, another book to read, and a tin mug she'd bought for our Land Rover picnics - very aptly emblazoned with 'Keep Calm and Carry On.' Which is exactly what we're trying to do!!
Progress with my iphone is slow - still no life in it really, which I am struggling to understand as the damn thing didn't even get that wet, it wasn't totally immersed, just in a dampish coat pocket. So why the hell it is struggling to get going is beyond me, and C, which is frustrating him big time. Another reminder of how you get used to something, only to be threatened with losing it - the story of my life right now! We're trawling the internet forums for tips, and keep trying them, so I hope we strike lucky; if not it looks like I'm going to have to shell out for a replacement, which is not good right now with finances having to be scrupulously watched. Ho hum.
C made lunch today - he did try to get out of it with the pathetic excuse that he doesn't know how to cook rice; this did not work and I told him in no uncertain terms that someone like him, who used to run a company, cannot get away with transparent attempts to evade making lunch. So he got on with it, and made lunch, and it was very nice. Hah. Gotta watch him...
With the weather being iffy again there isn't an awful lot we can do - you really don't feel like going out, but sitting around indoors makes you a little stir crazy, and there have been a few days like that this week already. I took the dogs out again, and as the Ryder Cup was back on again C sat and watched that. I guess we might have been a bit on edge as well because Romilly was on the mainland and on her way back, so we were waiting to hear that she'd got back safely. Which she did. Another quiet evening in then, punctuated with peaks and troughs of trying to get my iphone working - it's now back to life, but needs to be restored and won't complete when connected to itunes. Bugger. I think there's more of a problem with it than just getting damp...apparently the error message 1002 it keeps showing is something to do with a hardware problem, and it didn't get that from sitting in my coat pocket.
Oh the weather!!! I woke up this morning wondering where I was - the bedroom blind was still down, there was no sign of C, and I could hear Romilly up and about. That is NOT what I normally wake up to...no wonder it threw me.
C was up early as The Ryder Cup started this morning - and as I've mentioned before how absolutely rubbish I am at getting up without a lot of 'encouragement' he'd left me there! The Romilly thing was soon explained - she is going to drive down to Bournemouth to visit a friend whose birthday is today and who has just moved down to Uni. She was so excited at this prospect that she was up early to pack the car and have a talk from Pa about driving, using TomTom and general 'be careful' stuff like that. I was not a happy bunny. I really struggle to come to terms with how independent and confident our daughter is - she is nothing like I was when I was her age (which is a good thing) and makes these random arrangements without worry or concern (which is also a good thing - for her anyway). This might all seem clearer when I explain what an absolute and complete woos I am about driving on the mainland - I hate it, it scares me, and I avoid it whenever possible! I have managed to drive to a cottage in Dorset (following C on his motorbike) and Ikea in Southampton twice (both times with Rom in the car watching for signs). Anything further afield frankly fills me alarm - imagine how I felt when we picked Bruce (Rom's car) up from Birmingham and I had to drive back to the Island on my own (although following C, it was very easy to lose him in the motorway traffic). Now that Rom has successfully driven on the mainland, at the ripe old age of 18, I have no valid reason for refusing to do it without looking a poor wimp compared to my daughter!!!
The weather has been absolutely awful today - right from the word go. The Ryder Cup was rained off after a short time, and looking out the window it wasn't much better here. We lit the log fire to cheer us up - it's always nice and cosy - and watched stuff on the Sky planner. Even Fleur turned her nose up at the weather and stayed indoors...
So here we are, seven weeks to the day since C was diagnosed with kidney cancer, and we finally get an appointment with an oncologist. This was with Dr Madhava, who comes over to the Island every other Thursday, to hold a clinic at St Mary's. It's all down to Sonya, our Macmillan Nurse, that we got to see him this time around or it could have been another fortnight wait - not something I think we could have contemplated - plus she got blood test results and the biopsy results organised in time so Dr M could have them to hand. Our appointment was at 9.30am; being punctual, as we always are, we arrived in plenty of time (9.17 according to the car park ticket) and found the Outpatients Department, checked in, and waited. And waited, and waited and waited. Forty-five minutes later (so now it's 10.15) one of the nurses called us and put us in a side room - which had two chairs and an examination couch in it, so we weren't too sure where to sit; was C supposed to bet on the couch??? - where we waited again...for another 15 or 20 minutes while Dr M was on the phone (which incidentally we could hear).
Then he came in and we had to go over the whole history of how the problem came to light, C's symptoms, what he's had so far in terms of scans etc (is this not all in his file?????)...and then Dr M's phone rang and he went off to take the call. At this point I'm starting to feel like I'm in some sick comedy show, where you sense there is bad news, but no-one is taking it seriously and things keep happening to avoid you being told...get the idea? We can even hear the nurses outside the door talking about what they did last night/are doing tonight/will do at lunch time etc, which puts a weird commonplace slant on the whole situation. Dr M comes back - having had a fairly in-depth discussion about a patient's treatment, all of which we could hear as the door was open this time (bit worrying that he was saying they couldn't try a certain treatment as the funding wasn't there - felt sorry for the chap he was talking about) - and thankfully Sonya arrived too. The upshot is that Southampton General are not happy about doing the nephrectomy (removal of the kidney) due to the spread to liver and lung, so there are two options: (1) embolization, which involves cutting off the blood supply to the tumour or (2) crack on with chemotherapy to eradicate the spread and see if this will also reduce the tumour. Having sat around for seven weeks we opted for (2), which seemed to be the choice of Dr M and also Southampton General. So there we are - we finally have a plan! We've got an appointment to go up to the Chemo Unit on Monday afternoon to have some 'education' on the treatment, and also to hopefully pick up the drugs so we can get cracking.
Home again in the autumn sunshine; so glad that the weather was nicer as it does lift your spirits! I went off to meet up with Hannah and Tina before choir, and Rom was home with C, with No 2 expected later on, as usual - chip shop dinner tonight I think!!
Met with Hannah, but Tina got delayed after a meeting at the school she works at, and having to coax a pupil back in!! We ordered her meal and she managed to put it away and have a quick drink in record time before we had to go!! Hope she didn't get indigestion...
Choir was amazing - we tackled 'Gaudete' for the first time, and it sounds great!! I think that fact that it's in Latin has thrown a few people, but if we can manage to nail an eight part, unaccompanied version of Over the Rainbow, and perform it in a national competition in front of a theatreful of people and three judges, I guess we can do practically anything!!! There are some lovely pieces we're doing for the Christmas concert - Hannah has also suggested that we resurrect 'Santa Baby' from last year; I'm in two minds about this! On the one hand it is a good 'comedy' piece, with five of us dressed in tacky Santa costumes, fishnet tights and what Vicki calls 'FMBs' (I had no idea what that meant...but basically it's black boots; work the acronym out yourself!) doing a few choreographed moves. On the other, we've done it once and I'm wondering if we can do it again with the same 'panache' as last time!!!!! Time will tell...and we've recruited Hayley as Claire Q left recently and she was one of the originals. Yes folks, there's something for everyone in these concerts!!!!
Went to the pub afterwards and spent a great hour or so catching up with peeps and generally relaxing and winding down. We are becoming a regular feature on Thursday nights down there - I'm not sure we're always that popular though, as we take over a large table which they've already set up for meals, so by the time we leave they have to do it again...which frankly must be so onerous for them, laying out knives and forks and serviettes.....meow!!!
The heavens opened today - heavy rain which looked set for the day; this put a damper on any activity outside of home really, so we spent most of the morning pootling around the house doing odd jobs, which wasn't very rewarding.
C got onto the GP surgery as we realised, after a prompt from Esplanade, that he hasn't been signed off sick! Not something we'd thought about really, but I supposed that as he is on the payroll there, they do need formal confirmation that he's unable to work; bizarre how it never crossed our minds. So he spoke to the very nice Dr Hesse, who asked C how he was doing and making sure that he has what he needs; he always gets quite emotional when anyone shows concern about his welfare - I guess this is because he is so used to being the one doing the asking that it's difficult to be on the other end of it! So he arranged to collect the sick certificate later.
I meanwhile had arranged to meet up with a couple of friends/colleagues - Kate and Siobhan - who I haven't seen in a good few weeks. I am admin support for Kate and Siobhan when I am at work; Kate however has been off sick herself since the end of May, having been diagnosed with breast cancer, which thankfully she is now coming through successfully. She's a very hands on and busy person, and hugely supportive of those close to her, which is amazing considering what she has and is going through. She and Siobhan have been friends for a long time, and I always love being around them as they are so upbeat, supportive, encouraging and generally all round lovely. Kate made some amazing soup, and delicious houmus, so we sat around for a good few hours catching up and putting the world to rights. I left there feeling well nourished in more ways than one!! We're going to try and meet up more regularly in the next few weeks, for I am really thankful and grateful - they are both really busy and I feel very blessed that they have time for me. Thank you girlies xx
The rain was just as bad as ever when I left - I am really noticing the difference driving a car which is much lower than Gregory the Vitara was; I seem to attract a lot of passing spray from lorries, buses etc, which I presume is normal!! I'm just not used to it I guess.
C was starting to feel a bit anxious about our appointment tomorrow; your mind does tend to wander a bit when you're not occupied enough, and it's easy to imagine all sorts of scenarios (usually bad when you're feeling down). He's had a bit of discomfort again today - thankfully it's nothing horrendously painful, but he does notice it a bit nowadays. It's amazing to think how well he's coping - he has this large tumour where his right kidney used to be, and all he's taking is paracetamol!! He barely complains about it, and just tries to get on as normal - which is exactly how it should be really (don't want to let this cancer take over) but I do worry that he's being a bit too brave at times and perhaps putting up with more than he should. He's very 'old school' about pain - grin and bear it - so it's a job to get him to 'give in' when it's clear he should. More nagging in the weeks to come methinks....
