I woke up this morning to two surprises - the sun shining in my face (as I've taken to not putting the blind down at night just so the morning light can stream in) and something warm and hairy snuggled up - no, not C as you might imagine, but Sidney in his customary morning position!! He tends to come into the bedroom in the morning and 'scuff' up the quilt to get a little nesting area next to me for a morning cuddle, but generally I'm half awake when he does it so am aware he's there. And he always seems so sleepy in the mornings - which we think we've explained as when C got up at 2.30am there was Sidney, wide awake and keeping watch out of the bedroom window...those urban foxes have a lot to answer for!
This morning I went to meet my lovely friend Tricia for a quick coffee before she went back to the mainland - she works in Hertfordshire now, having been 'let go' by the idiotic Council a couple of years back. Sadly it was a rushed meet up as I had to be in Newport for 12 to pick C up and meet Romillly; but we managed a good catch up and, as always, it was a real lift to see her again. It was also nice that her daughter and son on law, Hannah and Will, popped in as well - tenuous links I know but Hannah works at the same place as I do, and Will is Head of Music at Medina, whose community choir I sing with...it's a small world!
C ventured into Newport this morning to visit colleagues at Esplanade Garage, where he's done some part time work over the last year or so. He was admittedly a bit apprehensive about going in, as he hates to get emotional in public and obviously people are aware of his situation and empathetic - little should he have feared though, as he felt fine and really enjoyed being there; many thanks therefore to Nick, Neil, David, Mark, Jane, Jean, Steve, Jim, and Deano for being particularly supportive and friendly. It gave C a real lift and he wanted to make sure you all knew it!
Later, I had to go into work to drop off my sick note; I wanted to do this in person as it's always nice to acknowledge your colleagues who support you when times are tough and today was no exception. It was a bit 'sticky' getting there though, as I'd forgotten that the road to my workplace is currently being resurfaced - hence turning into Sandy Lane and feeling like the Land Rover was stuck, literally, to the road!! Turning the corner we found that this was because there was literally glue on the road to which the road crew was applying tarmac, and we sailed up there straight into it!! Thankfully they were really nice and I pulled over into the layby and walked up the road to work. It was really nice to see some colleagues again (even thought it's still quiet as it's the summer holidays and many people are still off), but thank you so much to Ezzy, Issy, Sof and Kirstie for the support, hugs and general lift when I went in. Sometimes the work is crap, but the people I work with are fantastic.
We got home and found Romilly in a flap - it's her boyfriend Dan's 21st birthday on Thursday and she was trying to print out some photos onto trendy canvas paper, which sadly the printer was not cooperating with; a trip to Tesco failed to provide normal photo paper so she had to make do with card - which thankfully was fine - and the pictures were done. She was frantically wrapping things after that! C and I ventured to Tesco to do the shopping - just a few bits we thought and were frankly shocked when the bill was £105.....
And so home - quite relaxed tonight; Romilly and Dan have gone to the circus, despite Rom's inherited-from-me dread of clowns.... No 1 and Gem came to take Sidney for a mad dash around with Archibald (their JR terrier) so thankfully he's spent his last vestige of energy for the day.
So tomorrow's the day - the meet up with heap big chief surgeon at QA Hospital Urology Department. I'm going to squeeze in an over-the-Downs stride with Sidney first thing, then we'll venture out around lunchtime to be there in time for 2pm. And see what HBCS says about C's operation...watch this space for an update tomorrow, keeping fingers crossed for a much awaited timetable....please fate!!!!
Tuesday 31 August 2010
D Day + 18: Monday 30 August 2010 - Bank Holiday, and the sun shone!
Unusually for a Bank Holiday Monday we woke up to bright sunshine! C had a call from his brother in Finland at 8.30am - they are two hours ahead of us and were quite surprised we were still in bed! John (brother) and his wife Siv are hopefully coming over next weekend for a flying visit, which will be nice as we haven't seen them for a year; the kids always love meeting up with them and frankly it's quite entertaining watching them together as their mannerisms are so similar!! It will also be something to look forward to as there are bound to be walks, or lunches, or dinner out, or all three, a lovely and welcome distraction.
Feeling inspired by the good weather we decided to crack on and do a few jobs around the garden, which has sadly been neglected lately for one reason or another - I've been away, it's been raining, we've been preoccupied.... First task was one that I've inherited from C, just like the housework - mowing the lawn; hmmmm, not my favourite job either (have you seen how much lawn we have????). Thankfully before I started C's sister Jill and husband Arth arrived with pastries so we obviously had to make coffee and chat with them! I did get to the lawns eventually - well technically I'm not sure they're lawns as there is more weed than grass in them - and did my duty. It was hell and I got very hot!!
After lunch I decided we were going out for an hour as we were pacing around again - anything to stop that happening so we took the dogs up on Brading Down for a quick trot and then had ice cream from Bill (check out his Facebook page - 'Bill on Brading Down' or something...) and sat in the sun like grockles.
Home again and when Romilly got back from work we decided to honour our BH tradition and order in a curry; always a treat as they are amazing - Monsoon in Ryde - and as they now deliver as well it's even easier.
We were all shattered and in bed by 9.30, reading or playing this devilishly addictive word game I've downloaded onto my iPhone, and C onto his iPad. And so I forgot to blog - I'm typing this on Tuesday morning! I think we had such a normal day yesterday I temporarily forgot about the cancer, blog, etc...which I bet won't happen too often; nice that it can though, just for a while...
Feeling inspired by the good weather we decided to crack on and do a few jobs around the garden, which has sadly been neglected lately for one reason or another - I've been away, it's been raining, we've been preoccupied.... First task was one that I've inherited from C, just like the housework - mowing the lawn; hmmmm, not my favourite job either (have you seen how much lawn we have????). Thankfully before I started C's sister Jill and husband Arth arrived with pastries so we obviously had to make coffee and chat with them! I did get to the lawns eventually - well technically I'm not sure they're lawns as there is more weed than grass in them - and did my duty. It was hell and I got very hot!!
After lunch I decided we were going out for an hour as we were pacing around again - anything to stop that happening so we took the dogs up on Brading Down for a quick trot and then had ice cream from Bill (check out his Facebook page - 'Bill on Brading Down' or something...) and sat in the sun like grockles.
Home again and when Romilly got back from work we decided to honour our BH tradition and order in a curry; always a treat as they are amazing - Monsoon in Ryde - and as they now deliver as well it's even easier.
We were all shattered and in bed by 9.30, reading or playing this devilishly addictive word game I've downloaded onto my iPhone, and C onto his iPad. And so I forgot to blog - I'm typing this on Tuesday morning! I think we had such a normal day yesterday I temporarily forgot about the cancer, blog, etc...which I bet won't happen too often; nice that it can though, just for a while...
Sunday 29 August 2010
D Day + 17: Sunday 29 August 2010 - A Venture to Ventnor....
I managed to get up in time to cadge a lift with No 3 this morning, so that I could walk back across the Downs with Sidney. No 3 drops us off at the viewpoint layby and we spend a peaceful hour or so wandering back towards Brading. This morning however C and Charlie (other dog, my 'himbo' Westie) met us on Brading Down, which is just at the end of the walk and saved us ten minutes or so.
C was feeling much more 'up and at 'em' today and by 11am he was getting a bit stir crazy and wanted to 'do' something - by which he meant go somewhere. For some reason the thought of Ventnor Down popped into my head and I suggested we pack up the tea making kit, buy some baguettes and go over there for a picnic lunch. Now this is not like me at all - the bit about going to Ventnor I mean - as my lovely friend Mr Cane will tell you; I spent the vast majority of my time when we shared an office taking the mickey out of him for living in Ventnor. I can't explain what it is I find so strange about it! I've been there several times with choir, one of the basses is the landlord of a very nice pub, the sea front is lovely - it's just somewhere that I've always thought of as a bit, well, 'odd'. No offence intended, it's not the only place I think is 'odd' (Wroxall, there's another one...) but as a caulkhead born and bred in the centre and north of the Island I suppose it could be because it's so far south....
Anyhow, we decided to nip down to the local service station as they have a nice bakery, and buy some lunch provisions - we had not, however, reckoned with the impact of this damn scooter weekend, and when we got there the place was HEAVING with scooters; I promptly panicked and we drove past it, ending up at Morrison's in Lake which, although also heaving with scooters, is bigger and so the effect is diluted somewhat.
Having a Land Rover gives you a distinct advantage when going places where the road is very 'countryfied', by which I mean the surface is pitted with potholes, very uneven and ensures an extremely bumpy ride; Monty did us proud up on Ventnor Down and we got to the very end car park with no trouble at all. The views from there are amazing - I always thought that Culver Down was big, but Ventnor Down looks, well, down!, on Culver and dwarfs it.
So we parked up and C sparked up the little camping stove to boil the kettle - I know, we do it in style you know, no flask here...
It was very snug in there, especially when the rain lashed down horizontally straight at the window!!!!
We went for a little stroll once the rain had stopped - the views really are amazing, and when the sun shone it was beautiful up there. Didn't go far though - C does tend to get tired easily now; his cough has returned with a vengeance too so moving about too much is not a practical idea at the moment. Just a wander down for a photo opportunity....
I drove back via the back roads - I really am getting into this Land Rover driving stunt, it's very empowering manoeuvering this huge metal beast along narrow country lanes; things do tend to get out of my way...not sure if that's because of the size of Monty or the image of a manic blonde driving him!!!
And so home for peace - my dad didn't come over today (he does most Sundays) so C watched the football and I read my book. I've discovered a trio of books by this ex-midwife called Jennifer Worth who worked in the East End of London in the 1950s - it's fascinating stuff. I've just poured a large Bombay Sapphire and tonic, and C is on the Ipad - a peaceful evening ahead; No 3 is out tonight at Cinema Under the Stars with my sister and her three kids. I just hope the rain holds off....Robin Hill in extreme weather is not a good place to be!!!
C was feeling much more 'up and at 'em' today and by 11am he was getting a bit stir crazy and wanted to 'do' something - by which he meant go somewhere. For some reason the thought of Ventnor Down popped into my head and I suggested we pack up the tea making kit, buy some baguettes and go over there for a picnic lunch. Now this is not like me at all - the bit about going to Ventnor I mean - as my lovely friend Mr Cane will tell you; I spent the vast majority of my time when we shared an office taking the mickey out of him for living in Ventnor. I can't explain what it is I find so strange about it! I've been there several times with choir, one of the basses is the landlord of a very nice pub, the sea front is lovely - it's just somewhere that I've always thought of as a bit, well, 'odd'. No offence intended, it's not the only place I think is 'odd' (Wroxall, there's another one...) but as a caulkhead born and bred in the centre and north of the Island I suppose it could be because it's so far south....
Anyhow, we decided to nip down to the local service station as they have a nice bakery, and buy some lunch provisions - we had not, however, reckoned with the impact of this damn scooter weekend, and when we got there the place was HEAVING with scooters; I promptly panicked and we drove past it, ending up at Morrison's in Lake which, although also heaving with scooters, is bigger and so the effect is diluted somewhat.
Having a Land Rover gives you a distinct advantage when going places where the road is very 'countryfied', by which I mean the surface is pitted with potholes, very uneven and ensures an extremely bumpy ride; Monty did us proud up on Ventnor Down and we got to the very end car park with no trouble at all. The views from there are amazing - I always thought that Culver Down was big, but Ventnor Down looks, well, down!, on Culver and dwarfs it.
So we parked up and C sparked up the little camping stove to boil the kettle - I know, we do it in style you know, no flask here...
It was very snug in there, especially when the rain lashed down horizontally straight at the window!!!!
We went for a little stroll once the rain had stopped - the views really are amazing, and when the sun shone it was beautiful up there. Didn't go far though - C does tend to get tired easily now; his cough has returned with a vengeance too so moving about too much is not a practical idea at the moment. Just a wander down for a photo opportunity....
I drove back via the back roads - I really am getting into this Land Rover driving stunt, it's very empowering manoeuvering this huge metal beast along narrow country lanes; things do tend to get out of my way...not sure if that's because of the size of Monty or the image of a manic blonde driving him!!!
And so home for peace - my dad didn't come over today (he does most Sundays) so C watched the football and I read my book. I've discovered a trio of books by this ex-midwife called Jennifer Worth who worked in the East End of London in the 1950s - it's fascinating stuff. I've just poured a large Bombay Sapphire and tonic, and C is on the Ipad - a peaceful evening ahead; No 3 is out tonight at Cinema Under the Stars with my sister and her three kids. I just hope the rain holds off....Robin Hill in extreme weather is not a good place to be!!!
Saturday 28 August 2010
D Day + 16: Saturday 28 August 2010 - The Future's Bright, The Future's....
...Orange; well in terms of my vehicle it is anyway! We went and collected my new car today - although technically I can't drive it yet as we're waiting for the changeover documents and tax disc to arrive, but at least it's here, parked in the garage, awaiting the day I can legally take it out. It was a bit of a wrench parting with Gregory (my Vitara - he's been good fun); I swore years ago that I would never have a sensible car again, and my driving experience had to be fun fun fun, but clearly petrol prices and the hideously expensive RFL have put paid to that. The new car is nice though - a bit different (it's orange) and it's still got my beloved cherished registration plate so it's not all bad; well it's not bad at all really, having driven it and loved it, or her - she's called Jemima Jaffa!!! I know, weird maybe, but I do tend to name my cars: since I bought my first car (from C incidentally, in 1986) they've been called - Reggie, Nora, Roger, Bianca, Ruby, Nigel, Gus, Mavis, Boris, Zoe, Aggie, Rory, Winston, Tiger, Bess, Gregory and now Jemima Jaffa. Doesn't everyone, though?
Today was also No 1 son's birthday - Brendan is 32 today, so when we went to collect JJ we gave him his card and pressie. He's into XBox or something games so got a voucher for one of those. He's suffering a bit at the mo having fallen over the other day (not drunk I'm reliably informed) and done some nasty damage to his shoulder. And he was at work. We said 'Happy Birthday' to which he replied 'Is it?' so I guess he was not a happy chappy at that point - I think he'll be better tonight though as he's going out for a meal with friends and, surprisingly, No 2, which is nice. No 3 is also out in Ryde tonight, which worries us slightly as it's BH weekend and the scooterists are over...
Not that I have anything against scooterists generally, I'm sure the majority are really nice normal people enjoying a weekend away doing what they love best - who wouldn't? But it does grate just slightly when an entire town, and its feeder roadways, are completely taken over by them. We had to go into Ryde to drop back a DVD (Green Zone, Matt Damon, very good - thanks Carol!) and it was basically hell on a stick to get in and out of the town; everywhere you turn there are scooters - parked on the road, the grass, driveways, car parks, even the pavement in some cases - and that noise they make....you can hear it miles away. That said, I hope they all have a lovely weekend and go home happy (and I personally will be happy when they go home). Having seen so many in pub car parks it did make me speculate on how many end up being breathalysed by PC Plod....
I drove the Land Rover into Ryde - it's a very powerful experience being up that high in something that moves and feels like a tank...you can see why things get out of your way PDQ, oh the power...on the way home C took us 'off road' down a bumpy byway. I have to confess to wishing it had been a bit wetter/muddier/slightly more risque, but I've got to start somewhere!!
So today has been a good day really - I realise I haven't said much about C, but he's been okay and it's felt like quite a normal run of the mill day. I think we've both realised however that he does run out of 'puff' quickly, and we need to keep topping him up with food and/or drink to keep his energy levels up. Apart from a couple of what we now call 'moments' when he dips down a bit low, he's had another good day. We just need to get on and see the consultant next week to be able to have some idea of a timetable for ops, treatment, recovery etc.
And despite C saying that, because I walk the dogs now instead of him, that Sidney is 'mummy's boy', we both know that's not true - Sidney is entirely fickle in terms of who gives him what he wants; we both know that at the end of the day there's only one person he wants to cuddle up with...and it isn't the one with blonde curly hair!
Today was also No 1 son's birthday - Brendan is 32 today, so when we went to collect JJ we gave him his card and pressie. He's into XBox or something games so got a voucher for one of those. He's suffering a bit at the mo having fallen over the other day (not drunk I'm reliably informed) and done some nasty damage to his shoulder. And he was at work. We said 'Happy Birthday' to which he replied 'Is it?' so I guess he was not a happy chappy at that point - I think he'll be better tonight though as he's going out for a meal with friends and, surprisingly, No 2, which is nice. No 3 is also out in Ryde tonight, which worries us slightly as it's BH weekend and the scooterists are over...
Not that I have anything against scooterists generally, I'm sure the majority are really nice normal people enjoying a weekend away doing what they love best - who wouldn't? But it does grate just slightly when an entire town, and its feeder roadways, are completely taken over by them. We had to go into Ryde to drop back a DVD (Green Zone, Matt Damon, very good - thanks Carol!) and it was basically hell on a stick to get in and out of the town; everywhere you turn there are scooters - parked on the road, the grass, driveways, car parks, even the pavement in some cases - and that noise they make....you can hear it miles away. That said, I hope they all have a lovely weekend and go home happy (and I personally will be happy when they go home). Having seen so many in pub car parks it did make me speculate on how many end up being breathalysed by PC Plod....
I drove the Land Rover into Ryde - it's a very powerful experience being up that high in something that moves and feels like a tank...you can see why things get out of your way PDQ, oh the power...on the way home C took us 'off road' down a bumpy byway. I have to confess to wishing it had been a bit wetter/muddier/slightly more risque, but I've got to start somewhere!!
So today has been a good day really - I realise I haven't said much about C, but he's been okay and it's felt like quite a normal run of the mill day. I think we've both realised however that he does run out of 'puff' quickly, and we need to keep topping him up with food and/or drink to keep his energy levels up. Apart from a couple of what we now call 'moments' when he dips down a bit low, he's had another good day. We just need to get on and see the consultant next week to be able to have some idea of a timetable for ops, treatment, recovery etc.
And despite C saying that, because I walk the dogs now instead of him, that Sidney is 'mummy's boy', we both know that's not true - Sidney is entirely fickle in terms of who gives him what he wants; we both know that at the end of the day there's only one person he wants to cuddle up with...and it isn't the one with blonde curly hair!
Friday 27 August 2010
D Day + 15 Friday 27 August 2010 - Oops, I missed one....
Hi all - sorry to those of you who logged in yesterday to see the blog, but there wasn't one; truth is I went out last night and didn't get it done beforehand, and definitely in no state to do it when I got home. Apologies - this one will be a double-day!!
Yesterday I went to see my GP; well, not my GP, but one of the GPs at the surgery where my GP is based. Having braced myself to be assertive and strong, I promptly caved when she asked me what she could do for me and I started explaining - thankfully C was with me and between us we explained our situation. She promptly said she was signing me off work as I was clearly in no fit state to be of any use to anyone (my words, not hers). Relief flooded me, washing away the small amount of guilt I had been feeling. She asked me what I did for a job, and when I told her I worked for the IW Council she said "Ah, no way" (her words, not mine) and promptly signed me off for four weeks. So I have breathing space. C and I came out of the surgery feeling slightly relieved to know we have this space, and promptly went and bought a new plant - which actually wasn't a conscious thing but I needed to buy my lovely friend Tina a birthday present and we were in a garden centre so hey, that's the way it goes....
So, as I said, I went out last night...I have to confess to being a bit apprehensive about it as I hadn't seen the choir girlies since we got back from tour. Fallout from spending an intensive amount of time with peeps can always be a bit prickly so I didn't know what to expect, but it was all really nice - lots of yummy cocktails consumed and all well.
I was even on best behaviour when Romilly collected me at 11pm sharp (wouldn't dare be late for my daughter any more). It was a lovely few hours break and we didn't discuss the 'c' word once...apart from my friend Kat's current treatment, with which I wish her a speedy recovery.
And so into today - Friday. Still didn't manage to get up for my early morning speed walk, but 7am I was awake and did a cooked brekkie for us all again - we'll all be getting fat at this rate; free time is not always a good thing...I went out with a couple of friends for coffee and cake (although I wasn't going to have cake, but caved in at the sight of cherry bakewell) and a good catch up. C also went out with his mate Simon for lunch, so we both had a nice respite. By the time he got home I was back and well in to sorting out the new choir newsletter and starting to organise new music for the Christmas concert. I took the dogs out for a run at about teatime, and when I got back No 2 was here making tea - he stayed for dinner with us, which was nice for all of us, and then C and I watched a DVD I'd got from town earlier. And so here I am - condensing two days of light activity into one blog. My friend Shaz was worried she had missed yesterday, so hopefully won't be disappointed with my merged effort!!!!!
I was really pleased that C got out with a mate of his for a while today - it must have been nice for him to talk about things with another chap and get the whole thing in perspective; Simon is a really lovely guy and I know C values his company a lot, so to have spent time with him, talking about things and to know that Simon was genuinely upset and shocked at his situation was a real revelation for C. I know there are lots of his friends and colleagues out there who feel the same, and it's very reassuring to know; thanks guys, it means a lot to both of us.
And so to bed - I hope no-one feels cheated out of what should be two days worth of waffled, but I really would have, well, waffled last night...I guess it's about the quality, not the quantity, as with most things....goodnight!!
Yesterday I went to see my GP; well, not my GP, but one of the GPs at the surgery where my GP is based. Having braced myself to be assertive and strong, I promptly caved when she asked me what she could do for me and I started explaining - thankfully C was with me and between us we explained our situation. She promptly said she was signing me off work as I was clearly in no fit state to be of any use to anyone (my words, not hers). Relief flooded me, washing away the small amount of guilt I had been feeling. She asked me what I did for a job, and when I told her I worked for the IW Council she said "Ah, no way" (her words, not mine) and promptly signed me off for four weeks. So I have breathing space. C and I came out of the surgery feeling slightly relieved to know we have this space, and promptly went and bought a new plant - which actually wasn't a conscious thing but I needed to buy my lovely friend Tina a birthday present and we were in a garden centre so hey, that's the way it goes....
So, as I said, I went out last night...I have to confess to being a bit apprehensive about it as I hadn't seen the choir girlies since we got back from tour. Fallout from spending an intensive amount of time with peeps can always be a bit prickly so I didn't know what to expect, but it was all really nice - lots of yummy cocktails consumed and all well.
L to R: Kat, Chris, Tina, me, Vicki and Hayley - my lovely choir girlies
I was even on best behaviour when Romilly collected me at 11pm sharp (wouldn't dare be late for my daughter any more). It was a lovely few hours break and we didn't discuss the 'c' word once...apart from my friend Kat's current treatment, with which I wish her a speedy recovery.
And so into today - Friday. Still didn't manage to get up for my early morning speed walk, but 7am I was awake and did a cooked brekkie for us all again - we'll all be getting fat at this rate; free time is not always a good thing...I went out with a couple of friends for coffee and cake (although I wasn't going to have cake, but caved in at the sight of cherry bakewell) and a good catch up. C also went out with his mate Simon for lunch, so we both had a nice respite. By the time he got home I was back and well in to sorting out the new choir newsletter and starting to organise new music for the Christmas concert. I took the dogs out for a run at about teatime, and when I got back No 2 was here making tea - he stayed for dinner with us, which was nice for all of us, and then C and I watched a DVD I'd got from town earlier. And so here I am - condensing two days of light activity into one blog. My friend Shaz was worried she had missed yesterday, so hopefully won't be disappointed with my merged effort!!!!!
I was really pleased that C got out with a mate of his for a while today - it must have been nice for him to talk about things with another chap and get the whole thing in perspective; Simon is a really lovely guy and I know C values his company a lot, so to have spent time with him, talking about things and to know that Simon was genuinely upset and shocked at his situation was a real revelation for C. I know there are lots of his friends and colleagues out there who feel the same, and it's very reassuring to know; thanks guys, it means a lot to both of us.
And so to bed - I hope no-one feels cheated out of what should be two days worth of waffled, but I really would have, well, waffled last night...I guess it's about the quality, not the quantity, as with most things....goodnight!!
Wednesday 25 August 2010
D Day + 13: Wednesday 25 August 2010 - Rain, Rain, Rain....
Typical English summer. Just when you think you should be able to sunbathe, swim in the sea, barbecue etc the clouds roll up and the heavens open (an idiomatic phrase, given that I don't believe in God, heaven, hell etc). Today no exception and as we had to go to Portsmouth it was even more annoying - my car has a cherished registration number (code for 'something different') and as I'm changing my car soon it all has to be dealt with in the proper fashion. We could have sent it via the post, but as we had hoped to get it all sorted so we could have the car we went over - not to be sadly, as they don't issue your tax disc, transfer etc there and then so we've still got to wait.
C was much more upbeat today, hence the trip. He was going to go on his own but asked me along too as he said he was a little concerned he might 'run out of puff', in which case he would have felt a bit vulnerable...so along I went and we had quite a good day, except for the rain...
It was raining when we woke up, raining when we got in the car, on the train, on the ferry, in the taxi, to the offices, back in the taxi, to Gunwharf...didn't let up all day. It even managed to get heavier when I had to take Charlie Dog and his gummy eyes to the vet in Wootton. And by the time I got to East Cowes after that to pick Romilly up from work she looked like a half drowned blonde rat...her car's been in for repair and so we've reverted to running her to work and back again - she hates it, it's taken away her independence!!
The weather was SO horrible and SO miserable that I decided to make a 'winter' dinner tonight - so Romilly and C had sausages, mashed potato, Yorkshire pudding and gravy...then we lit the log fire (again) and sat down to watch a film. It felt like bloody winter!!!!
Forgot to mention after all this excitment that this morning, before we left, C had a call from QA Hospital - they've asked us to go in next Wednesday at 2pm to meet the consultant to discuss his case and treatment. Another week...I know I said I must stop wishing time away, but this being in limbo is driving us nuts!!
Anyhow, off to bed soon; it's been a funny day - wet mainly - and it will be nice to get tucked up in bed, him with his iPad and me with my iPhone, and wait to see what tomorrow brings.... probably more rain!
C was much more upbeat today, hence the trip. He was going to go on his own but asked me along too as he said he was a little concerned he might 'run out of puff', in which case he would have felt a bit vulnerable...so along I went and we had quite a good day, except for the rain...
It was raining when we woke up, raining when we got in the car, on the train, on the ferry, in the taxi, to the offices, back in the taxi, to Gunwharf...didn't let up all day. It even managed to get heavier when I had to take Charlie Dog and his gummy eyes to the vet in Wootton. And by the time I got to East Cowes after that to pick Romilly up from work she looked like a half drowned blonde rat...her car's been in for repair and so we've reverted to running her to work and back again - she hates it, it's taken away her independence!!
The weather was SO horrible and SO miserable that I decided to make a 'winter' dinner tonight - so Romilly and C had sausages, mashed potato, Yorkshire pudding and gravy...then we lit the log fire (again) and sat down to watch a film. It felt like bloody winter!!!!
Forgot to mention after all this excitment that this morning, before we left, C had a call from QA Hospital - they've asked us to go in next Wednesday at 2pm to meet the consultant to discuss his case and treatment. Another week...I know I said I must stop wishing time away, but this being in limbo is driving us nuts!!
Anyhow, off to bed soon; it's been a funny day - wet mainly - and it will be nice to get tucked up in bed, him with his iPad and me with my iPhone, and wait to see what tomorrow brings.... probably more rain!
Tuesday 24 August 2010
D Day + 12: Tuesday 24 August - There's No Place Like Home
I didn't go in to work today. I deliberated the options that I had been made aware of by my line manager; ummed and ahhed, thought, considered, reasoned. And stayed at home. It wasn't an easy decision; I am not one of these people who are prepared to work the system when it isn't in my favour - but having weighed things up in my mind I came to the conclusion that I can do far more good being at home right now than sitting at my desk with not very much to do. I knew that I am going to need to be around for C after his operation, during his recovery, while he's having immunotherapy etc; but I couldn't get out of my head the thought that all this, while very very necessary, would be when he is actually physically ill and unable to go out or do very much. I want, and need, to spend time with him while he is still this C, the C that comes out for lunch, walks the dogs with me, comes to the hut with me, does the shopping with me, goes for drives with me and generally is able to live a normal life. And we'll both need to be able to remember this time in the weeks and months ahead when it will seem like a different life again.
He's been tired today; we're not sure why. But he has struggled and looked a bit 'peaky' at times. I don't think this is due to a shopping trip to Morrisons, though I could understand if it was because it was quite an experience for both of us - completely out of our comfort zone there!! I have to confess to a small flutter of panic that this cancer is starting to affect him physically now - he's felt cold to touch sometimes too, which is completely not like him at all; he was always like a radiator. I hope I'm wrong, and that it was just an off day...
I met up with our choir director, Hannah, today - we haven't had much of a chance to catch up recently so it was good to talk, and weirdly to discuss the running order for the Christmas concert; I can hear the howls of "What? But it's only August!" Believe you me, when you are trying to organise a show, and then arrange to train 60+ singers (most of whom don't read music and learn by ear, like me!) Christmas suddenly seems a whole lot nearer! It was nice to be out and about, meeting someone and talking about normal stuff; Hannah also has a very nice way of putting things she wants to say - she'd say she always says the wrong thing, but she doesn't, she says what she feels, and as I respect her enormously given what she's been through herself, I don't take offence. She's kind of an inspiration to me...but don't tell her that!
Our lovely friend Deb came round tonight (her daughter Lucy comes up to do my hair colour) and spent quite a while ensconced with C discussing the merits of (a) his iPad and (b) her new phone which, she readily admits, 'frightens' her!!! It's been a while since I saw Deb - even though we work in the same building she's often out and about - and it's always nice to catch up. She and C have an amusing relationship - they tease each other with innuendo, up to a certain point, and then both get scared and blush/laugh/get embarrassed. Highly entertaining to watch...!!!!
C had a really lovely email from a former colleague, Barrie, who lives in Spain - his news has travelled far and wide! It's given him a real boost, not just because Barrie has taken the time and effort to email him, but also to realise the serious health problems Barrie himself has been through, and conquered, recently. We both wish him a continued recovery and huge thanks for getting in touch.
Hannah, aforementioned choir director, quite rightly said that we must try not to let our lives be taken over by this cancer, and when she's had problems she's found it helps to have a plan to focus on...sounds like a good idea, and I hope that before long we can do that; however right now just getting through the days compos mentis is enough, but I will hold that thought and work to it before too long, I hope.
He's been tired today; we're not sure why. But he has struggled and looked a bit 'peaky' at times. I don't think this is due to a shopping trip to Morrisons, though I could understand if it was because it was quite an experience for both of us - completely out of our comfort zone there!! I have to confess to a small flutter of panic that this cancer is starting to affect him physically now - he's felt cold to touch sometimes too, which is completely not like him at all; he was always like a radiator. I hope I'm wrong, and that it was just an off day...
I met up with our choir director, Hannah, today - we haven't had much of a chance to catch up recently so it was good to talk, and weirdly to discuss the running order for the Christmas concert; I can hear the howls of "What? But it's only August!" Believe you me, when you are trying to organise a show, and then arrange to train 60+ singers (most of whom don't read music and learn by ear, like me!) Christmas suddenly seems a whole lot nearer! It was nice to be out and about, meeting someone and talking about normal stuff; Hannah also has a very nice way of putting things she wants to say - she'd say she always says the wrong thing, but she doesn't, she says what she feels, and as I respect her enormously given what she's been through herself, I don't take offence. She's kind of an inspiration to me...but don't tell her that!
Our lovely friend Deb came round tonight (her daughter Lucy comes up to do my hair colour) and spent quite a while ensconced with C discussing the merits of (a) his iPad and (b) her new phone which, she readily admits, 'frightens' her!!! It's been a while since I saw Deb - even though we work in the same building she's often out and about - and it's always nice to catch up. She and C have an amusing relationship - they tease each other with innuendo, up to a certain point, and then both get scared and blush/laugh/get embarrassed. Highly entertaining to watch...!!!!
C had a really lovely email from a former colleague, Barrie, who lives in Spain - his news has travelled far and wide! It's given him a real boost, not just because Barrie has taken the time and effort to email him, but also to realise the serious health problems Barrie himself has been through, and conquered, recently. We both wish him a continued recovery and huge thanks for getting in touch.
Hannah, aforementioned choir director, quite rightly said that we must try not to let our lives be taken over by this cancer, and when she's had problems she's found it helps to have a plan to focus on...sounds like a good idea, and I hope that before long we can do that; however right now just getting through the days compos mentis is enough, but I will hold that thought and work to it before too long, I hope.
Monday 23 August 2010
D Day + 11: Monday 23 August 2010 - Separation
I realised today that it's only eleven days since C was diagnosed. It feels like so much longer; we've lived a lifetime of emotions in these eleven days.
Today I went back to work after three weeks off. It's never an easy thing to do, and was so much harder this time round. I didn't really know how I would feel - maybe being back would be a good distraction for a while? Maybe I'd be grateful to be around people, doing something purposeful? As it turned out I felt like a fish out of water and just wanted to get home - as it's so quiet at work at the moment with the schools being closed for the summer there isn't a lot happening; we used to use this time to catch up on jobs we've been putting off all year. But at least at home I have things to do, and it's reassurance for C, although today having Romilly at home was nice for him anyway and they did lovely dad-and-daughter things. Their relationship is lovely to watch - she's very like him, but very like me, and she's always been very close to her pa, even more so now that her security has been threatened. Same with the boys - ironic really that something which could potentially (but hopefully won't) tear us apart is bringing us closer together.
That said, my line manager at work was very supportive and understanding, as were the lovely girlies in my office. They did manage to reduce me to tears though! I guess I'm just not as tough as I'd hoped. I've got to just go day by day and decide what I can cope with - leaving C this morning was very hard; he was trying to hold it together, knowing that I had to at least go in, but he was clearly upset and looked very vulnerable as I looked back to see him waving me off from the window. Heartbreaking.
For the first time today I let myself, just momentarily, contemplate the worst outcome - kind of 'feel the fear' moment. It scared me into almost having a panic attack. I CANNOT contemplate that we are going to lose this fight - the mere micro thought that we will lose is so wrong, unfair, unmentionable, unbelievable; took me to the lowest place I've been for a long time. I'm not going there again. Sod feel the fear and do it anyway - I realise the fear's there and it can damn well bugger off.
C had a chat with his Macmillan nurse today - Sonya. She is lovely - very switched on empathetic and eminently sane at the same time. She gave him some straight answers to his questions and he said he felt very reassured having spoken to her. One thing I'm struggling to understand though is that she says she is worried about me; why? Surely I'm the backup here, to support C and the kids through this process. I can't afford to cave in and certainly have no intention of doing so. C said he's worried about me and the kids too - if there's a lesson to be learned here it's that he REALLY needs to start thinking about him and stop putting everyone else first; but I guess after this long it's a hard habit to break.
Today I went back to work after three weeks off. It's never an easy thing to do, and was so much harder this time round. I didn't really know how I would feel - maybe being back would be a good distraction for a while? Maybe I'd be grateful to be around people, doing something purposeful? As it turned out I felt like a fish out of water and just wanted to get home - as it's so quiet at work at the moment with the schools being closed for the summer there isn't a lot happening; we used to use this time to catch up on jobs we've been putting off all year. But at least at home I have things to do, and it's reassurance for C, although today having Romilly at home was nice for him anyway and they did lovely dad-and-daughter things. Their relationship is lovely to watch - she's very like him, but very like me, and she's always been very close to her pa, even more so now that her security has been threatened. Same with the boys - ironic really that something which could potentially (but hopefully won't) tear us apart is bringing us closer together.
That said, my line manager at work was very supportive and understanding, as were the lovely girlies in my office. They did manage to reduce me to tears though! I guess I'm just not as tough as I'd hoped. I've got to just go day by day and decide what I can cope with - leaving C this morning was very hard; he was trying to hold it together, knowing that I had to at least go in, but he was clearly upset and looked very vulnerable as I looked back to see him waving me off from the window. Heartbreaking.
For the first time today I let myself, just momentarily, contemplate the worst outcome - kind of 'feel the fear' moment. It scared me into almost having a panic attack. I CANNOT contemplate that we are going to lose this fight - the mere micro thought that we will lose is so wrong, unfair, unmentionable, unbelievable; took me to the lowest place I've been for a long time. I'm not going there again. Sod feel the fear and do it anyway - I realise the fear's there and it can damn well bugger off.
C had a chat with his Macmillan nurse today - Sonya. She is lovely - very switched on empathetic and eminently sane at the same time. She gave him some straight answers to his questions and he said he felt very reassured having spoken to her. One thing I'm struggling to understand though is that she says she is worried about me; why? Surely I'm the backup here, to support C and the kids through this process. I can't afford to cave in and certainly have no intention of doing so. C said he's worried about me and the kids too - if there's a lesson to be learned here it's that he REALLY needs to start thinking about him and stop putting everyone else first; but I guess after this long it's a hard habit to break.
Sunday 22 August 2010
D Day + 10: Sunday 22 August 2010 - Reflection
Today the first impact of C's illness hit home - I'm going to have to do some housework. Now bear with me; since C's been semi retired he's taken on the mundane, day to day upkeep of our old cottage. I haven't laid hand on the vaccuum cleaner or duster for many a year, and frankly he does a very good job. But the effort of pushing the vaccuum cleaner (I'm resisting the temptation to call it a Hoover because it isn't; it's a Vax) was quite overhwelming for me, and I think I'd rather sign up for an entire week's ironing, thanks very much. I did get through it, but it wasn't fun; I have no idea what the state of the house is going to be like without C's ample administrations...we'll have to wait and see.
It's been a strange day for me; knowing that this is my last day of leave until December is difficult to accept, considering what we're going to be going through in the next few months. It started iffy, with more drizzle and cloud and frankly a pretty crappy August day, again. Having had a 'hearty' breakfast we then descended into a kind of despondency as the weather was not remotely motivating and the tendency was to curl up in a ball and blank it out. Thankfully Bren and Gem (No 1 + fiancee) arrived to take the mutts out for a scamper, so that broke time up. When they arrived back with hyper mutts our neighbour Marc (who used to work with C at Bembridge) also popped round for a cup of tea and chat. It's nice to have a room full of people and I hope it continues this way!
Once the visitors had gone it was a waiting game until my dad, Gordy, arrived. He comes over most Sundays, but for some reason does not acknowledge the current situation and merrily goes on as if nothing was different - which his lovely in some way, but frustrating in others. Chich (No 2) was here too, so that always helps to dispel the difficulty, and thankfully Romilly (No 3) also arrived in time for dinner. Amen.
I had another look at the choir summer concert DVD tonight in the hopes that my dad would look and think how gutted he was to have missed it. Predictably though he showed no emotion whatsoever at me singing my heart out, so it seems like a lost cause.
I'm due back at work tomorrow morning; please excuse the shortness of this blog, but frankly I am dreading it. I cannot comprehend anything akin to my former life, so being back at work seems like a complete and utter travesty of normal life. Fate only knows how I'm going to deal with this one now, when it was enough of a chore to be there before, and now that I have this huge cancer thing hanging over us it's not going to be any easier. Still, I know that the lovely bouncy Roger has his last day tomorrow, so it will be nice at least to see him before he goes.
We had a nice 'winter' dinner tonight; beef stew, jacket potatoes and veg, plus I made a crumble. Comfort food methinks. I know at this precise moment that I've had way too much wine than is good for a 'school night'; add to this the fact that I've watched the choir's summer concert DVD and realised how much I miss it, and you can see why I'm wishing time away (or not). I've also been nagging No 2 to join the choir - he's a lovely chap and love singing (which he admits) but I'm not sure he's okay with joining a choir (perhaps not cool enough??!!) I hope he does because I think he would be an absolute bonus for us. Watch this space...
C has struggled a bit today - I've tried to keep him upbeat but am worried that his illness is starting to make itself felt. Hopefully he will be okay when I'm away tomorrow and the rest of the week, but I have to be honest and say I am very reluctant to leave him right now, given his fragile emotional state....
We'll see.
It's been a strange day for me; knowing that this is my last day of leave until December is difficult to accept, considering what we're going to be going through in the next few months. It started iffy, with more drizzle and cloud and frankly a pretty crappy August day, again. Having had a 'hearty' breakfast we then descended into a kind of despondency as the weather was not remotely motivating and the tendency was to curl up in a ball and blank it out. Thankfully Bren and Gem (No 1 + fiancee) arrived to take the mutts out for a scamper, so that broke time up. When they arrived back with hyper mutts our neighbour Marc (who used to work with C at Bembridge) also popped round for a cup of tea and chat. It's nice to have a room full of people and I hope it continues this way!
Once the visitors had gone it was a waiting game until my dad, Gordy, arrived. He comes over most Sundays, but for some reason does not acknowledge the current situation and merrily goes on as if nothing was different - which his lovely in some way, but frustrating in others. Chich (No 2) was here too, so that always helps to dispel the difficulty, and thankfully Romilly (No 3) also arrived in time for dinner. Amen.
I had another look at the choir summer concert DVD tonight in the hopes that my dad would look and think how gutted he was to have missed it. Predictably though he showed no emotion whatsoever at me singing my heart out, so it seems like a lost cause.
I'm due back at work tomorrow morning; please excuse the shortness of this blog, but frankly I am dreading it. I cannot comprehend anything akin to my former life, so being back at work seems like a complete and utter travesty of normal life. Fate only knows how I'm going to deal with this one now, when it was enough of a chore to be there before, and now that I have this huge cancer thing hanging over us it's not going to be any easier. Still, I know that the lovely bouncy Roger has his last day tomorrow, so it will be nice at least to see him before he goes.
We had a nice 'winter' dinner tonight; beef stew, jacket potatoes and veg, plus I made a crumble. Comfort food methinks. I know at this precise moment that I've had way too much wine than is good for a 'school night'; add to this the fact that I've watched the choir's summer concert DVD and realised how much I miss it, and you can see why I'm wishing time away (or not). I've also been nagging No 2 to join the choir - he's a lovely chap and love singing (which he admits) but I'm not sure he's okay with joining a choir (perhaps not cool enough??!!) I hope he does because I think he would be an absolute bonus for us. Watch this space...
C has struggled a bit today - I've tried to keep him upbeat but am worried that his illness is starting to make itself felt. Hopefully he will be okay when I'm away tomorrow and the rest of the week, but I have to be honest and say I am very reluctant to leave him right now, given his fragile emotional state....
We'll see.
Saturday 21 August 2010
D Day + 9: Saturday 21 August 2010 - Water Water....
Water seems to be a recurrent theme with us lately, in various forms - C is trying valiantly to drink loads of the stuff to help flush his kidney and non-kidney through and is checking its status when it comes out 'the other end'; the weather has been miserable with plenty of drizzle etc; and we've spent more time in, on or looking at the sea in the last week or so than ever before! It is very relaxing stuff to be around - there's something comforting about the sound of the the sea on the shore, it takes you back to childhood days of summer when the only things you were worried about was who was friends with you, how long you had off school, what you were going to play that day and what was for dinner. Simple times.
C thinks I should have an 'angle' for this blog in these days when we are treading water (there it is again, you see, keeps cropping up, this wet stuff) for fear that it's going to get boring. I can see his point - daily mundane reports on what we've eaten, where we've been etc are bound to get more of a yawn factor going; however I quite like the idea that those mundane, boring, everyday things are in this blog so that in the weeks to come when the s**t hits the fan and we're dealing with hospitals, drugs, doctors etc on a regular basis I'll be able to look back and get a sense of how it was now. Comments please?
We've had another calm day today - spent time down at the beach hut this morning, an impromptu visit (they're always the nicest) for what was going to be tea and buns but ended up as lunch. I don't know what it is that makes beans on toast and cups of tea taste so differently nice down there; it was also nice that passers by were intrigued by the smell of toast emanating from a former railway carriage - not the aroma you'd expect by the seaside! One chap declared himself fascinated by the huts and said he's always wanted to see inside one; we duly obliged and let him poke his head in the door to get a full nostril full of toast aroma. Green with envy, clearly, nuff said.
I've acquired an iPhone; it's not like me to get all simpery over gadgets, but since the arrival of C's iPad I've been hooked, so it's like having a consolation prize. We've plugged it into the PC and it's currently doing synching and back ups or something, which is frustrating C as it's taking a long time. I have told him off for wishing time away - it's not like I've got to unplug it asap and go off to do something vital - he's becoming as impatient as I used to be...oh the joys of role reversal.
Romilly is off camping on the south coast of the Island tonight; usually in August you'd think that would be a lovely thing to do, however given the weather and fairly brisk winds I wouldn't be surprised if that plan gets aborted for the warmth and comfort of Dan's house...and presumably the return tomorrow of some very damp camp bedding; I hate the smell of 'tent'.
I've rented the newish Sherlock Holmes film for us to watch tonight; I had planned to have a 'dry' night tonight, given that my alcohol consumption this week has been a little on the high side. However I just remembered that I bought a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin, and the thought of a large one of those with some ice and a bit of tonic is too appealing to turn down...and I am on my last non-school night tonight. Ho hum.
C thinks I should have an 'angle' for this blog in these days when we are treading water (there it is again, you see, keeps cropping up, this wet stuff) for fear that it's going to get boring. I can see his point - daily mundane reports on what we've eaten, where we've been etc are bound to get more of a yawn factor going; however I quite like the idea that those mundane, boring, everyday things are in this blog so that in the weeks to come when the s**t hits the fan and we're dealing with hospitals, drugs, doctors etc on a regular basis I'll be able to look back and get a sense of how it was now. Comments please?
We've had another calm day today - spent time down at the beach hut this morning, an impromptu visit (they're always the nicest) for what was going to be tea and buns but ended up as lunch. I don't know what it is that makes beans on toast and cups of tea taste so differently nice down there; it was also nice that passers by were intrigued by the smell of toast emanating from a former railway carriage - not the aroma you'd expect by the seaside! One chap declared himself fascinated by the huts and said he's always wanted to see inside one; we duly obliged and let him poke his head in the door to get a full nostril full of toast aroma. Green with envy, clearly, nuff said.
The view from our hut - nice innit?
I've acquired an iPhone; it's not like me to get all simpery over gadgets, but since the arrival of C's iPad I've been hooked, so it's like having a consolation prize. We've plugged it into the PC and it's currently doing synching and back ups or something, which is frustrating C as it's taking a long time. I have told him off for wishing time away - it's not like I've got to unplug it asap and go off to do something vital - he's becoming as impatient as I used to be...oh the joys of role reversal.
Romilly is off camping on the south coast of the Island tonight; usually in August you'd think that would be a lovely thing to do, however given the weather and fairly brisk winds I wouldn't be surprised if that plan gets aborted for the warmth and comfort of Dan's house...and presumably the return tomorrow of some very damp camp bedding; I hate the smell of 'tent'.
I've rented the newish Sherlock Holmes film for us to watch tonight; I had planned to have a 'dry' night tonight, given that my alcohol consumption this week has been a little on the high side. However I just remembered that I bought a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin, and the thought of a large one of those with some ice and a bit of tonic is too appealing to turn down...and I am on my last non-school night tonight. Ho hum.
Friday 20 August 2010
D Day + 8: Friday 20 August - PJ Day
Something happened this morning that hasn't happened for quite a while; neither C nor I woke to an alarm, nor did we wake up at a 'normal' time!!! By the time tea, Ipad session/reading etc was completed it was 9.50am - disgraceful, we lost half the morning. Won't be doing that again in a hurry, it's thrown the rest of the day out!
Romilly (No 3) decided that it would be a good idea to go pyjama shopping today, to get a 'hospital kit' ready for C. I agreed. C went along with it - I think he knows that it's best to just give in to two women; to fight against it is just not worth the effort, we'd just get him another time. So off we trot to Newport.
Now I had an idea in my head that it would be good to embrace this hospital experience and go to town (literally and figuratively speaking) on the pyjama front - I'm thinking something along the lines of Peter Bowles' snazzy little number in 'Only When I Laugh' (remember that one???), something colourful, slinky, a bit sophisticated, with matching robe and footwear. Why not stand out, set the trend in hospital wear etc?
Well the reason why not was that C absolutely and resolutely refused to have anything that (a) coordinated or (b) stood out. Definitely not. No way. So we emerged from M&S with two pairs of cotton 'loungewear' (what's that mean???) trousers, a pair of slippers (arm up his back for those) and a new washbag (no way is he going in with his toiletries in a Tesco carrier, which is what he'd do left to his own devices). Blimey that was hard work; and men moan about women shopping? I ask you....
We then went and had lunch at Coast, which was nice, perched on stools watching Newport go by outside the window. Had a bit of an embarrassing moment though when I claimed a cappuccino the waitress brought over, which was actually for the girl next to us, as I'd ordered a latte...doh. C's thankfully still got a good appetite, and is managing to consume healthy amounts of water; I keep nagging him to eat so we can build him up as there is bound to come a time when food is unappealing.
Down to Matalan then for some t-shirts to go with the 'loungewear' trousers. Am sorely disappointed at the lack of serious pyjama action - Peter Bowles would never have succumbed to loungewear....
All that said, the entire shopping trip did take quite a bit out of C - if he's up and about too much the site of the tumour gets a bit uncomfortable; he's not in pain as such, but you can tell he's struggling, even though he keeps going. He's just not up to taking the dogs out at the moment either, so me and the mutts went up onto Culver Down for Sid to have a charge around (I swear he's got ADHD) and Charlie to plod along behind me - the times I think I've lost Charlie, and called him time and time again only to realise that he's standing right behind me and moving round as I do; must look hilarious to any onlookers. It was really blowy up there today, and lots of mist rolling in from the sea (name that tune) and a bit of drizzle. Suffice it to say that what was my fairly controlled, tousled and curly hairdo earlier today is now akin to the worst head in Worzel Gummidge's wardrobe, with extra frizz...
I've also been to see my lovely friend Tricia today - it's her birthday and I wanted to make sure I got her present to her on the actual day. We used to work together and it's been a couple of years since she left, but we always try to meet up when she's back on the Island (she works in Hertfordshire). Sadly this hasn't happened so far these holidays with all that's been going on...but I hope to be able to do this before she goes back. I do miss her.
Nothing much planned for tonight - I think we'll just light the fire (again) and watch something gentle on TV - the Sky Planner is chock full of Midsomer Murders (I'm ashamed to confess I have a weakness for these!), and the fridge chock full of wine so I expect the obvious will happen!!
Romilly (No 3) decided that it would be a good idea to go pyjama shopping today, to get a 'hospital kit' ready for C. I agreed. C went along with it - I think he knows that it's best to just give in to two women; to fight against it is just not worth the effort, we'd just get him another time. So off we trot to Newport.
Now I had an idea in my head that it would be good to embrace this hospital experience and go to town (literally and figuratively speaking) on the pyjama front - I'm thinking something along the lines of Peter Bowles' snazzy little number in 'Only When I Laugh' (remember that one???), something colourful, slinky, a bit sophisticated, with matching robe and footwear. Why not stand out, set the trend in hospital wear etc?
We then went and had lunch at Coast, which was nice, perched on stools watching Newport go by outside the window. Had a bit of an embarrassing moment though when I claimed a cappuccino the waitress brought over, which was actually for the girl next to us, as I'd ordered a latte...doh. C's thankfully still got a good appetite, and is managing to consume healthy amounts of water; I keep nagging him to eat so we can build him up as there is bound to come a time when food is unappealing.
Down to Matalan then for some t-shirts to go with the 'loungewear' trousers. Am sorely disappointed at the lack of serious pyjama action - Peter Bowles would never have succumbed to loungewear....
The start of the 'hospital kit' - don't think PB would approve
All that said, the entire shopping trip did take quite a bit out of C - if he's up and about too much the site of the tumour gets a bit uncomfortable; he's not in pain as such, but you can tell he's struggling, even though he keeps going. He's just not up to taking the dogs out at the moment either, so me and the mutts went up onto Culver Down for Sid to have a charge around (I swear he's got ADHD) and Charlie to plod along behind me - the times I think I've lost Charlie, and called him time and time again only to realise that he's standing right behind me and moving round as I do; must look hilarious to any onlookers. It was really blowy up there today, and lots of mist rolling in from the sea (name that tune) and a bit of drizzle. Suffice it to say that what was my fairly controlled, tousled and curly hairdo earlier today is now akin to the worst head in Worzel Gummidge's wardrobe, with extra frizz...
I've also been to see my lovely friend Tricia today - it's her birthday and I wanted to make sure I got her present to her on the actual day. We used to work together and it's been a couple of years since she left, but we always try to meet up when she's back on the Island (she works in Hertfordshire). Sadly this hasn't happened so far these holidays with all that's been going on...but I hope to be able to do this before she goes back. I do miss her.
Nothing much planned for tonight - I think we'll just light the fire (again) and watch something gentle on TV - the Sky Planner is chock full of Midsomer Murders (I'm ashamed to confess I have a weakness for these!), and the fridge chock full of wine so I expect the obvious will happen!!
Thursday 19 August 2010
D Day + 7: Thursday 19 August 2010 - Good News
C telling his sister the good news
Having had the appointment with Mr O brought forward, we duly arrived at the clinic for 3.50 and went in to see him. (He still reminds me of Trevor McDonald, and I still think he - Mr O - is a really nice chap). Thankfully he started the conversation with "Well we have some good new for you..." which was a relief given the sense of numbness that C and I have been suspended in all day. The MRI scan results show that, although the tumour is very large and basically his right kidney is now the tumour, not kidney any more, there is a gap or 'plane' between it and the liver, its nearest neighbour in organ town, which means that they can whip the bugger out and remove most of the cancer with it. Phew; now I can go ahead and buy new stripey pyjamas for C's stay in hospital - something I've been teasing him about and will now have to produce. He's going to have to go over the Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth for the operation, which should be within the next month - when we asked Mr O for timescale he said he anticipated that "...the kidney will be in a bucket inside of the next four weeks." Gotta love the man's turn of phrase - he also told C that his chances are good given that he is "young and fit" - which is very flattering for a 54 year old; apparently in medical terms you are not 'old' until you are over 70!
We came out of there on a bit of a high; it's good news, the best we could have hoped for, and we are feeling very positive. It would be easy to forget that C is still very ill, and that he will be going 'through the mill' over the next few weeks - however we must keep a realistic handle on this and not get too complacent; he will still need immunotherapy after the op to deal with one or two small areas of cancer which have spread to his liver and lung, and although he won't be 'cured' there's a good chance that he will go into remission and have a better prognosis.
Nos 1, 2 and 3 arrived to be told the news and everyone was pleased; such a welcome change to the news we had to give them this time last week. And so life will go on at the moment, in the same way it has so far; we just have to prepare for a short notice call to go over to QA, so I'd better get on and buy those pyjamas.....
D Day + 7: Thursday 19 August 2010 - Countdown
It never ceases to amaze me that the human body can be so aware of what it needs without us consciously being aware of it - I slept like the proverbial log last night, as did C, despite knowing what today would bring. Good really as we've been feeling quite washed out lately.
Today started in true English manner - large cooked breakfast! Having been to Tesco IN PERSON yesterday we found some huge flat mushrooms, the inspiration for breakfast. Romilly was up in time to join us so we sat down a trois for eggs, bacon (not me though), waffles (me), toast (them), tomatoes, and flat mushrooms. I've even decided that this orange-juice-from-concentrate stuff is not good for C and splashed out on freshly squeezed juice, which both he and Rom agreed was better than 'the other stuff'. I suppose if I'm going to overspend it may as well be on something healthy and of benefit, if it's not going on shoes.....
Time to kill today before the appointment...we went to C's sister Jill's house to see her and hubby Arth for a cuppa, armed with pastries from Morrison's. Spent a lovely hour there, chatting and not thinking about cancer...until we had to leave for me to go to the dental hygienist. Now I always used to rip the 'p' out of my former colleague Mr Cane about visiting he hygienist, as he has been doing for years and which was an unknown experience for me until I braved the dentist again two years ago after almost 20 years absence. Mr Cane regularly goes to his hygienist; I always thought it was weird getting someone else to clean your teeth, but now I'm subscribing to prevention rather than cure as far as toofy pegs are concerned, I can see the benefits - I just struggle to deal with the scraping that goes on halfway through...ick.
Jill had suggested we meet up for lunch today, which was a really good idea given that we are killing time (not something to make a habit of though) and needed a distraction, so off to The Folly for a couple of hours respite, lovely food, fantastic views over the river, and some much needed Dutch courage. The atmosphere at The Folly is always great and today was no exception, enough people to create a good ambience without it being overwhelming. I also spotted some colleagues and had a quick chat with them before leaving; a timely reminder that I'm due back at work next week, and that the people I work with are great. Took a quick piccy before we left....
Note C, in centre, clutching the newly acquired Ipad....
Having returned home to chill out before the appointment, we got a call from the clinic to say that it's been brought forward to 3.50; so we are off very soon to see Mr O and discover the 'nature of the beast.' Not sure if we're reading anything into it, but how often does your appointment get brought forward? Must not get into the habit of assuming things...not healthy, productive or, usually, very accurate. Upate on appointment later.
Today started in true English manner - large cooked breakfast! Having been to Tesco IN PERSON yesterday we found some huge flat mushrooms, the inspiration for breakfast. Romilly was up in time to join us so we sat down a trois for eggs, bacon (not me though), waffles (me), toast (them), tomatoes, and flat mushrooms. I've even decided that this orange-juice-from-concentrate stuff is not good for C and splashed out on freshly squeezed juice, which both he and Rom agreed was better than 'the other stuff'. I suppose if I'm going to overspend it may as well be on something healthy and of benefit, if it's not going on shoes.....
Time to kill today before the appointment...we went to C's sister Jill's house to see her and hubby Arth for a cuppa, armed with pastries from Morrison's. Spent a lovely hour there, chatting and not thinking about cancer...until we had to leave for me to go to the dental hygienist. Now I always used to rip the 'p' out of my former colleague Mr Cane about visiting he hygienist, as he has been doing for years and which was an unknown experience for me until I braved the dentist again two years ago after almost 20 years absence. Mr Cane regularly goes to his hygienist; I always thought it was weird getting someone else to clean your teeth, but now I'm subscribing to prevention rather than cure as far as toofy pegs are concerned, I can see the benefits - I just struggle to deal with the scraping that goes on halfway through...ick.
Jill had suggested we meet up for lunch today, which was a really good idea given that we are killing time (not something to make a habit of though) and needed a distraction, so off to The Folly for a couple of hours respite, lovely food, fantastic views over the river, and some much needed Dutch courage. The atmosphere at The Folly is always great and today was no exception, enough people to create a good ambience without it being overwhelming. I also spotted some colleagues and had a quick chat with them before leaving; a timely reminder that I'm due back at work next week, and that the people I work with are great. Took a quick piccy before we left....
Having returned home to chill out before the appointment, we got a call from the clinic to say that it's been brought forward to 3.50; so we are off very soon to see Mr O and discover the 'nature of the beast.' Not sure if we're reading anything into it, but how often does your appointment get brought forward? Must not get into the habit of assuming things...not healthy, productive or, usually, very accurate. Upate on appointment later.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
D Day + 6: Wednesday 18 August - And So To Bed
Just got back from the cinema - we've been to see Knight and Day, and it was quite good really, and excellent for escaping reality for a bit. Didn't bode too well when we arrived at Cineworld though - apparently the tills were all broken so the tickets were being sold at the food counter, resulting in a long queue. Seemed a bit weird listening to people asking for "Two adults, two children for Toy Story 3 please, and four bags of popcorn, two cokes and a hot dog" - however what was scarier was the amount of money he was asked for all that!!!
Came out to the car park afterwards to spot two traffic wardens having a field day on double-parked cars - I swear they looked like all their Christmases had come at once, they couldn't write the tickets fast enough!!! Thankfully we had parked in a proper space and just drove away.
I don't know if it's down to the cancer, his age, or a combination of the two, but when C has to 'go', he really has to go...the cinema loos had a queue, and he doesn't feel comfortable using the urinals in case he passes blood again (it happened this morning - it's so scary seeing blood appear where you don't expect it to). So I, still in Cameron Diaz mode from watching the film, did a swift reconnoitre and managed to find a secluded dark corner along the way home; the sense of relief was immediate and anyhow I was all up for an aggressive defence if anyone had questioned what he was doing. Ooh, just try me....
Cup of tea on the go now, and both feeling tired; also apprehensive about tomorrow and what we will be telling the kids late afternoon after the appointment. I just hope it's not going to scare any of us any more than we are already....
Came out to the car park afterwards to spot two traffic wardens having a field day on double-parked cars - I swear they looked like all their Christmases had come at once, they couldn't write the tickets fast enough!!! Thankfully we had parked in a proper space and just drove away.
I don't know if it's down to the cancer, his age, or a combination of the two, but when C has to 'go', he really has to go...the cinema loos had a queue, and he doesn't feel comfortable using the urinals in case he passes blood again (it happened this morning - it's so scary seeing blood appear where you don't expect it to). So I, still in Cameron Diaz mode from watching the film, did a swift reconnoitre and managed to find a secluded dark corner along the way home; the sense of relief was immediate and anyhow I was all up for an aggressive defence if anyone had questioned what he was doing. Ooh, just try me....
Cup of tea on the go now, and both feeling tired; also apprehensive about tomorrow and what we will be telling the kids late afternoon after the appointment. I just hope it's not going to scare any of us any more than we are already....
D Day + 6: Wednesday 18 August - In Limbo
Weird day today; following yesterday's adrenaline run re the scan, today we have been pacing, sitting, looking at each other and trying to pass the time until our appointment with Mr O tomorrow afternoon - this is probably unwise as time really is precious, especially at the moment (another quip, ooh get me, they just roll out!) so another plan was needed to occupy at least some bits of the day.
Surprisingly I was up first this morning - mainly, I should add, due to C snoring contentedly and very loudly. Now normally this would invoke me to deliver a sharp dig in the back/ribs/arm/whatever part of his body is nearest to me, but our current situation has managed to conjure up a patience in me that I didn't know I had, so I quietly got up, got dressed and went for a long speed walk. By the time I got back C was awake so I took tea up to bed and we spent half an hour lounging around - this is something I am going to struggle with next week, not having this time in the mornings to just be around C and plan our day. Hey ho....
We had a lateish breakfast and said goodbye to Romilly - she's working in Cowes for the next couple of day, then I rang C's ex-boss and long term friend, John, to let him know our news. I hadn't realised how hard it would be repeating the news to someone different, and when John wavered slightly in what he was saying towards the end I nearly lost it. This is something I am going to have to work on big time if I'm going to be any use at all in the coming months.
It's funny how the little things somehow become poignant - have I said this yet? But somehow going to Tesco and doing the shopping is now something to share and enjoy (choosing things to eat and drink we haven't seen or had in ages; splashing out on Bombay Sapphire gin, a newly acquired habit of mine from France which may prove to be a huge source of comfort...or at least just an enjoyable drink!). We bought stuff for lunch, splashing out on a huge pot of mixed olives, feta and sun dried tomatoes, heavenly. Getting to the checkout was a bit of a shock - it was only supposed to be a mini shop, but we still managed rack up over £100!!!! Thank goodness for Clubcard vouchers......
Bit of a problem with Broadband this afternoon, which resulted in C swearing profusely and using the 'c' word, which he NEVER, does and I got quite cross with him - it's the first time I've told him to 'get a grip' so far but it was so daft, considering what he's going to have to get to grips with soon...perspective, where art thou???
We took the dogs out for a short run - still not sure how much energy C can expend on exercise, but a half hour walk in the breeze up on Culver went well and he seems okay so far; just having a quick snacky tea and we've decided to go to the cinema tonight, something we haven't done for ages.
And that's another day filled and almost over; we're split on how to feel about tomorrow - I want to see Mr O and find out what the 'damage' is so we can plan what's ahead; C wants to exist in blissful ignorance in the belief that if he doesn't know it's not going to happen....oh what a role reversal that one is! Never thought he'd be the one in La La Land while my feet are firmly stuck on terra firma. But then I guess that's what life is going to be like for us...constant surprises of one kind or another and a persistent feeling of not knowing one's a*se from one's elbow......
Surprisingly I was up first this morning - mainly, I should add, due to C snoring contentedly and very loudly. Now normally this would invoke me to deliver a sharp dig in the back/ribs/arm/whatever part of his body is nearest to me, but our current situation has managed to conjure up a patience in me that I didn't know I had, so I quietly got up, got dressed and went for a long speed walk. By the time I got back C was awake so I took tea up to bed and we spent half an hour lounging around - this is something I am going to struggle with next week, not having this time in the mornings to just be around C and plan our day. Hey ho....
We had a lateish breakfast and said goodbye to Romilly - she's working in Cowes for the next couple of day, then I rang C's ex-boss and long term friend, John, to let him know our news. I hadn't realised how hard it would be repeating the news to someone different, and when John wavered slightly in what he was saying towards the end I nearly lost it. This is something I am going to have to work on big time if I'm going to be any use at all in the coming months.
It's funny how the little things somehow become poignant - have I said this yet? But somehow going to Tesco and doing the shopping is now something to share and enjoy (choosing things to eat and drink we haven't seen or had in ages; splashing out on Bombay Sapphire gin, a newly acquired habit of mine from France which may prove to be a huge source of comfort...or at least just an enjoyable drink!). We bought stuff for lunch, splashing out on a huge pot of mixed olives, feta and sun dried tomatoes, heavenly. Getting to the checkout was a bit of a shock - it was only supposed to be a mini shop, but we still managed rack up over £100!!!! Thank goodness for Clubcard vouchers......
Bit of a problem with Broadband this afternoon, which resulted in C swearing profusely and using the 'c' word, which he NEVER, does and I got quite cross with him - it's the first time I've told him to 'get a grip' so far but it was so daft, considering what he's going to have to get to grips with soon...perspective, where art thou???
We took the dogs out for a short run - still not sure how much energy C can expend on exercise, but a half hour walk in the breeze up on Culver went well and he seems okay so far; just having a quick snacky tea and we've decided to go to the cinema tonight, something we haven't done for ages.
And that's another day filled and almost over; we're split on how to feel about tomorrow - I want to see Mr O and find out what the 'damage' is so we can plan what's ahead; C wants to exist in blissful ignorance in the belief that if he doesn't know it's not going to happen....oh what a role reversal that one is! Never thought he'd be the one in La La Land while my feet are firmly stuck on terra firma. But then I guess that's what life is going to be like for us...constant surprises of one kind or another and a persistent feeling of not knowing one's a*se from one's elbow......
Tuesday 17 August 2010
D Day + 5: Tuesday 17 August 2010 - Scan Day, the first hurdle
Today was the first hurdle in this cancer story - C's MRI scan to determine the extent of the cancer and whether surgery to remove his right kidney was going to be possible. C has a fear of small spaces so he'd been prescribed a Diazepam tablet to take before the scan.
We were kicking our heels a bit this morning - although I knew C was dreading the scan he was doing a very good job of covering it up, but we had to get on and do something so a pootle off to see No 1 son, then a quick visit to a local garden centre for a cuppa and, in my case anyway, a delumpcious cheese scone....it's also worth mentioning that as C has been told that sugar feeds cancer cells (by someone in the know - his niece who is battling cancer too) he's decided to give up sweetener in his tea. A brave move; it's not going to be easy but he's determined to try, to the extent that he also turned down a Cadbury's Twirl bar yesterday - and believe me that has NEVER happened before....He took the 'magic pill' while were there.
We got to the hospital eventually, and by the time we arrived C looked quite relaxed (actually his eyes were heavy and I thought he was going to fall asleep, but I guess that's for the best!). We sat in the waiting room and finally went down to the scan room with a lovely nurse, who had to insert a canula so that they could put the 'contrast' dye into C to show up the extent of his cancer. It was no easy feat as she struggled to find a vein - C coped fantastically as she poked around, wincing only slightly, while I was in the corner with my eyes shut! Pathetic! Anyhow, once the canula was in they took us down to the MRI room and C had to strip down to avoid wearing any metal - those hospital gowns really don't flatter, not helped by the socks though I admit; and thank goodness my mum's mantra of always making sure you have clean underwear on is embedded in my soul....He was very calm and I was so proud of how he just got on with the whole thing, letting the nurses put him on the narrow bed and connecting him up ready to slide into the 'tin tunnel'...I know how much he'd been dreading it; it was hard to leave him and I felt completely helpless leaving him in someone else's care, but I knew there was little I could do now the process was underway, so I reluctantly allowed myself to be shooed off to the waiting room. En route I bumped into lovely Clare, who sings in the choir - she hasn't been for some time though, and it was really nice to talk to her; unfortunately I had to explain what I was doing there, and explaining it to someone for the first time got me into a bit of a state (I really must stop breaking down when I talk about it; it's not on). She was lovely though, very supportive and stayed with me in the waiting room until C emerged looking none the worse for wear and actually quite proud of himself (especially as he had two rather lovely nurses as an escort!). The sense of relief now this scan was over was wonderful - the first thing C had been dreading, over and done with, and he said it wasn't really that bad at all. I don't think he's about to take up pot holing though, well not unless Diazepam is on the equipment list...
Lunchtime upon us we decided to go to The Woodvale in Gurnard for something to eat - there are lovely views out across the Solent from the picture windows there, and the food is nice - it's encouraging that C still has a healthy appetite at the moment; I'm dreading when that goes as I will know then that he's really poorly. Thankfully it wasn't too busy and we spent a lovely couple of hours there, waiting for C to 'come round' a bit from the magic tablet. A word of note though - the WiFi signal is really poor there so poor Ipad was redundant!
We went into Cowes after lunch - C was determined to buy himself a 'nice' t-shirt, having turned an envious shade of green when Romilly and I bought nice ones in Hollister in Southampton on Friday...we discovered the Weird Fish shop, and the deed was done. Home via the floating bridge - an experience we don't have very often - which was nice, having been squeezed on right at the back! Fine really, as long as I didn't look in the rear view mirror at the car behind me, looking like it was about to slide off into the Medina....
Home to peace and quiet - I took the dogs out and C entertained Ipad. We've decided it needs to be cosy so have lit the log fire, which may sound weird in August, but living in a 160 year old cottage gives you the privilege of a summer fire!!!
Now we have a waiting game until seeing Mr O again on Thursday; C's ups have been more prevalent than his downs again today - the only downs being minor ones when he spoke to a friend who was so lovely and supportive; he really didn't realise how many people care about him and this whole experience is going to prove a learning curve in so many ways for him. I wish he realised how amazing a person he is, and how much people like him; he really is the most inoffensive, kind, selfless, giving and all round amazing family person - I hope he manages to let us take care of him for a change, instead of worrying about how we're all doing, whether we're okay, need anything...this time is about him now, what he needs, but knowing him as I do I don't think taking that role is going to be easy for him....
We were kicking our heels a bit this morning - although I knew C was dreading the scan he was doing a very good job of covering it up, but we had to get on and do something so a pootle off to see No 1 son, then a quick visit to a local garden centre for a cuppa and, in my case anyway, a delumpcious cheese scone....it's also worth mentioning that as C has been told that sugar feeds cancer cells (by someone in the know - his niece who is battling cancer too) he's decided to give up sweetener in his tea. A brave move; it's not going to be easy but he's determined to try, to the extent that he also turned down a Cadbury's Twirl bar yesterday - and believe me that has NEVER happened before....He took the 'magic pill' while were there.
We got to the hospital eventually, and by the time we arrived C looked quite relaxed (actually his eyes were heavy and I thought he was going to fall asleep, but I guess that's for the best!). We sat in the waiting room and finally went down to the scan room with a lovely nurse, who had to insert a canula so that they could put the 'contrast' dye into C to show up the extent of his cancer. It was no easy feat as she struggled to find a vein - C coped fantastically as she poked around, wincing only slightly, while I was in the corner with my eyes shut! Pathetic! Anyhow, once the canula was in they took us down to the MRI room and C had to strip down to avoid wearing any metal - those hospital gowns really don't flatter, not helped by the socks though I admit; and thank goodness my mum's mantra of always making sure you have clean underwear on is embedded in my soul....He was very calm and I was so proud of how he just got on with the whole thing, letting the nurses put him on the narrow bed and connecting him up ready to slide into the 'tin tunnel'...I know how much he'd been dreading it; it was hard to leave him and I felt completely helpless leaving him in someone else's care, but I knew there was little I could do now the process was underway, so I reluctantly allowed myself to be shooed off to the waiting room. En route I bumped into lovely Clare, who sings in the choir - she hasn't been for some time though, and it was really nice to talk to her; unfortunately I had to explain what I was doing there, and explaining it to someone for the first time got me into a bit of a state (I really must stop breaking down when I talk about it; it's not on). She was lovely though, very supportive and stayed with me in the waiting room until C emerged looking none the worse for wear and actually quite proud of himself (especially as he had two rather lovely nurses as an escort!). The sense of relief now this scan was over was wonderful - the first thing C had been dreading, over and done with, and he said it wasn't really that bad at all. I don't think he's about to take up pot holing though, well not unless Diazepam is on the equipment list...
Lunchtime upon us we decided to go to The Woodvale in Gurnard for something to eat - there are lovely views out across the Solent from the picture windows there, and the food is nice - it's encouraging that C still has a healthy appetite at the moment; I'm dreading when that goes as I will know then that he's really poorly. Thankfully it wasn't too busy and we spent a lovely couple of hours there, waiting for C to 'come round' a bit from the magic tablet. A word of note though - the WiFi signal is really poor there so poor Ipad was redundant!
We went into Cowes after lunch - C was determined to buy himself a 'nice' t-shirt, having turned an envious shade of green when Romilly and I bought nice ones in Hollister in Southampton on Friday...we discovered the Weird Fish shop, and the deed was done. Home via the floating bridge - an experience we don't have very often - which was nice, having been squeezed on right at the back! Fine really, as long as I didn't look in the rear view mirror at the car behind me, looking like it was about to slide off into the Medina....
Home to peace and quiet - I took the dogs out and C entertained Ipad. We've decided it needs to be cosy so have lit the log fire, which may sound weird in August, but living in a 160 year old cottage gives you the privilege of a summer fire!!!
Now we have a waiting game until seeing Mr O again on Thursday; C's ups have been more prevalent than his downs again today - the only downs being minor ones when he spoke to a friend who was so lovely and supportive; he really didn't realise how many people care about him and this whole experience is going to prove a learning curve in so many ways for him. I wish he realised how amazing a person he is, and how much people like him; he really is the most inoffensive, kind, selfless, giving and all round amazing family person - I hope he manages to let us take care of him for a change, instead of worrying about how we're all doing, whether we're okay, need anything...this time is about him now, what he needs, but knowing him as I do I don't think taking that role is going to be easy for him....
Monday 16 August 2010
D Day + 4: Monday 16 August 2010: Evening Update
We went to the hut, we swam in the sea, we barbecued. It was so very relaxing down there tonight that we all said "Why don't we do this more often?" and the obvious answer is that we don't make the bloody effort, it's easier not to. We stayed until it was getting dark, and just in time to remove me before I removed the cute dog belonging to the DFTs (Down From Towns darling) which they had tied to their hut and promptly ignored the whole time. She's cute, she's 9, and she' called Pudding. I want to bring her home.
I am fairly merry having had a lovely time, lots of fresh air and some lovely wine. Rom did the cooking on the barbecue, which was a lovely break for us. C seemed to really relax and seemed as happy tonight as I've seen him in a while. All to the good, given what he's facing tomorrow.
Hey ho; must try and anchor these lovely positive happy times in my mind, they are going to be so important to remember when things get really tough. It's difficult to imagine how bad things will get...I hope we're not getting complacent in our ability to cope in the months ahead.
And so to bed soon, to await tomorrow and all that it brings - just should mention that I have had such wonderful messages from people, sending love, thoughts, prayers etc to us all. It's a real comfort to know that someone out there is thinking of us - thank you all, you are amazing.
I am fairly merry having had a lovely time, lots of fresh air and some lovely wine. Rom did the cooking on the barbecue, which was a lovely break for us. C seemed to really relax and seemed as happy tonight as I've seen him in a while. All to the good, given what he's facing tomorrow.
Hey ho; must try and anchor these lovely positive happy times in my mind, they are going to be so important to remember when things get really tough. It's difficult to imagine how bad things will get...I hope we're not getting complacent in our ability to cope in the months ahead.
And so to bed soon, to await tomorrow and all that it brings - just should mention that I have had such wonderful messages from people, sending love, thoughts, prayers etc to us all. It's a real comfort to know that someone out there is thinking of us - thank you all, you are amazing.
D Day + 4: Monday 16 August 2010: On The Up?
I woke up grumpy this morning. It's something that happens, I'm not good in the morning. I did feel for C a bit as he was already awake, on the Ipad and quite upbeat when the morning monster rose from the depths and moaned randomly about the pile of ironing left at the end of the bed the previous day. What can I say; it's not rational behaviour!
I took myself off for a long speed walk, ipod plugged in, to walk off the grumps, and returned to find C up, dressed and about to go for the paper - he's been much better today, less tearful and starting to want to just get on with this damn business and get better. He had a small upset when we were talking about No 1 son and his recent engagement, but that passed and he was 'up and at 'em' once again.
Bren and Gem came round, with Archie (their dog) in tow - Gem couldn't stop smiling and seems so happy about it, it's a lovely thing to see and we can't wait for the preparations to start. Bren bought her a lovely ring, clever boy he does have taste, which she apparently hasn't taken off since he proposed!!
We had the call from the hospital telling us that the MRI scan is tomorrow at 11.45am - given his fear of enclosed spaces Mr O had prescribed him Diazepam to take before the scan; C's relief at this was soon replaced with frustration as the prescription was full price but he only got the one tablet!!!!! He needs to take it an hour before the scan, so by the time I get him to the hospital he should be nicely chilled...and hopefully not comatose as I'm not sure I could carry him....
He's started to prepare for the fact that he may have to go into hospital and is writing lists of things I may need to know - starting with passwords to various accounts etc in case I have to access them when he can't. I'm wondering if this includes his bank account and/or savings account, which may inexplicably be slightly lighter by the time he comes out...He's also had his posh watch checked (he thought it wasn't working but apparently is and the hand he thought was the broken second hand is, in fact, the stopwatch hand), and we had lunch out - small world that this is, the place we ate is run by an ex boss of mine that I haven't seen in years; add to that that I went into New Look with Rom and saw another mate from years ago and the whole world seems to be shrinking.......so maybe it's not caving in at all, it's just got a bit smaller?
The weather today has been amazing; blue sky, hot sunshine, enough breeze to make it bearable - one of those summer days that are so beautiful in this country and make you forget the rain. The garden is however starting to look rather dry and crispy, although the bee population, and that of butterflies, is active and busy and a delight to watch. It will be interesting to see which poor parched plants make it to the autumn...
As it's been so nice, and we're all feeling more positive and active, we're going down to the beach hut tonight - high tide is at 5pm so a swim is on the cards, plus barbecue and drinkies (for me and Rom - C's off that). No 2 son is coming as well, having read Rom's post on FB and wanting to join in...I've despatched him to get his swimmers, towel and some nice cold beer...and who said having kids was hard work??? They do come in handy.
I'm counting today as D Day + 4, but it feels different - we've packed up despair and fear for a minute and are enjoying life; is this because after Thursday we'll really know what we're facing? I don't know, but this 'one day at a time' plan is bloody marvellous right now and I'm sticking to it for all I'm worth.
So I'm off to dip in the briny, cook outdoors, drink nice wine and watch the boats going in and out of Bembridge Harbour. A perfect end to a lovely day, and one to be remembered.
I took myself off for a long speed walk, ipod plugged in, to walk off the grumps, and returned to find C up, dressed and about to go for the paper - he's been much better today, less tearful and starting to want to just get on with this damn business and get better. He had a small upset when we were talking about No 1 son and his recent engagement, but that passed and he was 'up and at 'em' once again.
Bren and Gem came round, with Archie (their dog) in tow - Gem couldn't stop smiling and seems so happy about it, it's a lovely thing to see and we can't wait for the preparations to start. Bren bought her a lovely ring, clever boy he does have taste, which she apparently hasn't taken off since he proposed!!
We had the call from the hospital telling us that the MRI scan is tomorrow at 11.45am - given his fear of enclosed spaces Mr O had prescribed him Diazepam to take before the scan; C's relief at this was soon replaced with frustration as the prescription was full price but he only got the one tablet!!!!! He needs to take it an hour before the scan, so by the time I get him to the hospital he should be nicely chilled...and hopefully not comatose as I'm not sure I could carry him....
He's started to prepare for the fact that he may have to go into hospital and is writing lists of things I may need to know - starting with passwords to various accounts etc in case I have to access them when he can't. I'm wondering if this includes his bank account and/or savings account, which may inexplicably be slightly lighter by the time he comes out...He's also had his posh watch checked (he thought it wasn't working but apparently is and the hand he thought was the broken second hand is, in fact, the stopwatch hand), and we had lunch out - small world that this is, the place we ate is run by an ex boss of mine that I haven't seen in years; add to that that I went into New Look with Rom and saw another mate from years ago and the whole world seems to be shrinking.......so maybe it's not caving in at all, it's just got a bit smaller?
The weather today has been amazing; blue sky, hot sunshine, enough breeze to make it bearable - one of those summer days that are so beautiful in this country and make you forget the rain. The garden is however starting to look rather dry and crispy, although the bee population, and that of butterflies, is active and busy and a delight to watch. It will be interesting to see which poor parched plants make it to the autumn...
As it's been so nice, and we're all feeling more positive and active, we're going down to the beach hut tonight - high tide is at 5pm so a swim is on the cards, plus barbecue and drinkies (for me and Rom - C's off that). No 2 son is coming as well, having read Rom's post on FB and wanting to join in...I've despatched him to get his swimmers, towel and some nice cold beer...and who said having kids was hard work??? They do come in handy.
I'm counting today as D Day + 4, but it feels different - we've packed up despair and fear for a minute and are enjoying life; is this because after Thursday we'll really know what we're facing? I don't know, but this 'one day at a time' plan is bloody marvellous right now and I'm sticking to it for all I'm worth.
So I'm off to dip in the briny, cook outdoors, drink nice wine and watch the boats going in and out of Bembridge Harbour. A perfect end to a lovely day, and one to be remembered.
Sunday 15 August 2010
D Day + 3: Sunday 15 August, p.m. - Reflection
I think for the first time since D Day, I've spent quite a lot of time thinking about our situation and how we are going to fare in the weeks and months ahead. This came home to me big time when I was walking the dogs (Sidney - mad chocolate Patterdale, you know, C's Skidney, and Charlie the very placid, ploddy Westie with bad eyesight and not much of a handle on things, he's my 'himbo' dog) on Culver Down, where I tend to go quite a lot with them as (a) it's up high, (b) there aren't many trees and (c) there are a lot of ups and downs to test my leg muscles. I crossed over the top to see Sandown Bay, and as I walked along I could see a Brittany Ferry coming in; I realised that a week earlier, I was on that ferry, looking across to the Island and talking to a friend about how I walk the dogs on that down etc etc. And realisation hit that at that point I had NO idea what was ahead for us other than what I thought life was going to bring. And here we are a week later......
I'd left C watching the football with Dan and Rom (C has splashed out and subscribed to some sports channel on Sky so that he can watch the games, a good preparation for times when he can't do much except stare at the TV). I have to confess to a slight, very mild, panic attack up on that Down at that point as, having reflected on what life had been like the previous week, it slammed home that things will be very different. I expect I drew quite a few weird looks from passers by - Ipod plugged in and walking along at a fair pace with tears streaming down my face!
We have had some fantastic news today though - No 1 son, the eldest offspring, proposed to his girlfriend today on her 30th birthday, for which he'd taken her to Brighton for the day in an Audi convertible. She said yes, thankfully!, and there is now the prospect of a wedding in hopefully the not too distant future. We shall all be very proud for Gem and Bren's wedding, and obviously gives C something to aim to be well for (whenever they plan for it to happen). Life certainly is a rollercoaster....
I made dinner tonight, Romilly's childhood favourite meal that, if ever asked what she wanted to eat, she would undoubtedly ask for - egg fried rice, with garlic salt to sprinkle on it. It's years since we had garlic salt in the house and the smell brought back to many memories - what is it about scent that kick starts your memory? I did manage to sneak some veggies in there, which didn't go unnoticed.
So we are at the end of another day. We should find out tomorrow when C is to have his MRI scan. At the moment we seem to be in a state of ignorant capability - knowing what is wrong but not how we are to deal with it - which will come to an end once dates and times are allotted. I can somehow feel the remnants of what I thought was a normal life slowly and sneakily slipping away from me, to be replaced with a series of appointments, assessments, medication...Somehow it still hasn't hit me that this is my life, our life, now. And someone else will be in control while I try to maintain some sort of routine with work, shopping, cooking, dog walking, eating, sleeping.....with no idea of when the end of it all will be, or indeed what it will be.
I've asked friends on Facebook to let me know what song they would put on an Ipod if it was the last one they could...it will be interesting to see what they suggest, and why. I have to confess to being a little afraid that, over time, the reliance I place on friends for support, sustenance, reassurance etc will wain, as it will no doubt do in some cases. The thought of doing all this alone is scary - although C knows that I will not let him down while we are going through this. Who will be there for me, day in day out, remains to be seen.
Close of another day - another glass of wine beckons, while C watches Top Gear on the Ipad and the garden grows dark but filled with the sound of grasshoppers (or should we call them cicadas as it's so balmy out there?). And so we go on.....
I'd left C watching the football with Dan and Rom (C has splashed out and subscribed to some sports channel on Sky so that he can watch the games, a good preparation for times when he can't do much except stare at the TV). I have to confess to a slight, very mild, panic attack up on that Down at that point as, having reflected on what life had been like the previous week, it slammed home that things will be very different. I expect I drew quite a few weird looks from passers by - Ipod plugged in and walking along at a fair pace with tears streaming down my face!
We have had some fantastic news today though - No 1 son, the eldest offspring, proposed to his girlfriend today on her 30th birthday, for which he'd taken her to Brighton for the day in an Audi convertible. She said yes, thankfully!, and there is now the prospect of a wedding in hopefully the not too distant future. We shall all be very proud for Gem and Bren's wedding, and obviously gives C something to aim to be well for (whenever they plan for it to happen). Life certainly is a rollercoaster....
I made dinner tonight, Romilly's childhood favourite meal that, if ever asked what she wanted to eat, she would undoubtedly ask for - egg fried rice, with garlic salt to sprinkle on it. It's years since we had garlic salt in the house and the smell brought back to many memories - what is it about scent that kick starts your memory? I did manage to sneak some veggies in there, which didn't go unnoticed.
So we are at the end of another day. We should find out tomorrow when C is to have his MRI scan. At the moment we seem to be in a state of ignorant capability - knowing what is wrong but not how we are to deal with it - which will come to an end once dates and times are allotted. I can somehow feel the remnants of what I thought was a normal life slowly and sneakily slipping away from me, to be replaced with a series of appointments, assessments, medication...Somehow it still hasn't hit me that this is my life, our life, now. And someone else will be in control while I try to maintain some sort of routine with work, shopping, cooking, dog walking, eating, sleeping.....with no idea of when the end of it all will be, or indeed what it will be.
I've asked friends on Facebook to let me know what song they would put on an Ipod if it was the last one they could...it will be interesting to see what they suggest, and why. I have to confess to being a little afraid that, over time, the reliance I place on friends for support, sustenance, reassurance etc will wain, as it will no doubt do in some cases. The thought of doing all this alone is scary - although C knows that I will not let him down while we are going through this. Who will be there for me, day in day out, remains to be seen.
Close of another day - another glass of wine beckons, while C watches Top Gear on the Ipad and the garden grows dark but filled with the sound of grasshoppers (or should we call them cicadas as it's so balmy out there?). And so we go on.....
D Day + 3: Sunday 15 August, a.m. - Realisation and Other Things
So having spent last evening meeting up with old school friends and catching up on the last 25 years plus (which is not easy when there are five of you and only three or four hours available; add in the amount of alcohol involved and you can imagine how off track that conversation kept going) it was back home feeling shattered to find C a little lost on his own. He admitted to feeling a bit down and bless him said that he knows I can't be here 24/7, but it was tough. I had had doubts about going out, but as we have decided to be as normal as possible I went ahead, slightly guiltily; it wasn't easy to leave him for the evening, but as everything is in a state of "suck it and see" I guess that's how we'll have to play things.
Suffice it to say that last night's reminiscences may well have contributed to the realisation of what we're in the middle hitting home big time when I woke up this morning. C was the same, slightly teary and emotional, thoughts on both parts of how heavy this situation is on us and how drastically life has to change - regrets on things that weren't said or done, things that might have been, missed opportunities and the chances that have now possibly slipped irrevocably past us. Any plans for life ahead must now be put on hold as we brace ourselves to deal with this damned cancer; not an easy thing to come to terms with.
Slipping into a normal, mundance, home-based routine seems to have settled us for now - those daily things you moan about that need doing hold a soothing pattern today; having been a confirmed ironing atheist all my life it's strange to accept that just pressing creases out of clean fabric can help clear the mind of other things.
Jill, C's eldest sister, arrived on the doorstep this morning; she's fiercely supportive and caring of us all, and this situation with her baby brother has unsettled her more than I've ever seen - I think she's been holding off visiting for the past couple of days, which can't have been easy as I'm sure her first instinct was to get over here immediately she knew what was going on. Kettle on, tea made, we sat round and had a chat about stuff, tear free on this occasion, but it's difficult to have any idea of how anyone can help when we don't know what C is facing in the immediate future - only after Thursday's consultant appointment will that be any clearer; I've never been very patient, and this waiting game is frankly driving me nuts.
Little things are starting to sound a chord; I have been doing laundry and the smell of the new washing powder seems to register majorly, as does the feel of the wind in the garden and the peace out there with just the sparrows twittering away. I feel like I'm walking through a dream at the moment, almost as if I'm sitting on someone else's shoulder watching her life pan out in front of me; where I can tilt my head to one side and say "Oh dear, how sad" because it's not really happening to us......that's where the regret for the life we thought we'd have hits home and those things that went before D Day seem part of a different time.
So that's this morning - I've had so many texts and Facebook messages about this blog, and generally it seems to be accepted as a positive thing; it's really quite heartening when people you know, even if only slightly, are following this and sending love, thoughts and prayers (ick, even though I don't do those) to us. Although I have admitted to feeling lost right now, I realise that there are people out there for us and when the time comes to call for support I'm sure they will be there...I'm just not sure what we'll need to ask for, and that is the crux of it - I am an ORGANISED person who PLANS things and LIKES TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON...this is not where I'm comfortable!
On another lighter note, Romilly got the vaccuum cleaner out and cleaned the downstairs carpets; this has not happened for quite some time and threw me a little...however if this is going to be a regular occurrence I might have to introduce her to polish, the iron and even perhaps, fate forbid, the supermarket trolley......
Suffice it to say that last night's reminiscences may well have contributed to the realisation of what we're in the middle hitting home big time when I woke up this morning. C was the same, slightly teary and emotional, thoughts on both parts of how heavy this situation is on us and how drastically life has to change - regrets on things that weren't said or done, things that might have been, missed opportunities and the chances that have now possibly slipped irrevocably past us. Any plans for life ahead must now be put on hold as we brace ourselves to deal with this damned cancer; not an easy thing to come to terms with.
Slipping into a normal, mundance, home-based routine seems to have settled us for now - those daily things you moan about that need doing hold a soothing pattern today; having been a confirmed ironing atheist all my life it's strange to accept that just pressing creases out of clean fabric can help clear the mind of other things.
Jill, C's eldest sister, arrived on the doorstep this morning; she's fiercely supportive and caring of us all, and this situation with her baby brother has unsettled her more than I've ever seen - I think she's been holding off visiting for the past couple of days, which can't have been easy as I'm sure her first instinct was to get over here immediately she knew what was going on. Kettle on, tea made, we sat round and had a chat about stuff, tear free on this occasion, but it's difficult to have any idea of how anyone can help when we don't know what C is facing in the immediate future - only after Thursday's consultant appointment will that be any clearer; I've never been very patient, and this waiting game is frankly driving me nuts.
Little things are starting to sound a chord; I have been doing laundry and the smell of the new washing powder seems to register majorly, as does the feel of the wind in the garden and the peace out there with just the sparrows twittering away. I feel like I'm walking through a dream at the moment, almost as if I'm sitting on someone else's shoulder watching her life pan out in front of me; where I can tilt my head to one side and say "Oh dear, how sad" because it's not really happening to us......that's where the regret for the life we thought we'd have hits home and those things that went before D Day seem part of a different time.
So that's this morning - I've had so many texts and Facebook messages about this blog, and generally it seems to be accepted as a positive thing; it's really quite heartening when people you know, even if only slightly, are following this and sending love, thoughts and prayers (ick, even though I don't do those) to us. Although I have admitted to feeling lost right now, I realise that there are people out there for us and when the time comes to call for support I'm sure they will be there...I'm just not sure what we'll need to ask for, and that is the crux of it - I am an ORGANISED person who PLANS things and LIKES TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON...this is not where I'm comfortable!
On another lighter note, Romilly got the vaccuum cleaner out and cleaned the downstairs carpets; this has not happened for quite some time and threw me a little...however if this is going to be a regular occurrence I might have to introduce her to polish, the iron and even perhaps, fate forbid, the supermarket trolley......
Saturday 14 August 2010
D Day +2: Saturday 14 August 2010: Visitors (pm)
Having had a visit from Neil this afternoon, during which there was the first real discussion about C's cancer with someone outside the family (which I'm sure did him good as it was someone else's perspective on the situation), another surprise visitor rocked up this afternoon - our ex-neighbour Bill, who moved to Portugal last November with his partner Di (they had the field at the top of the lane to which Sidney would invariable escape whenever he got the chance). Bill and Di are back for Di's daughter's 21st birthday, and are staying down the road.
Bill has always been a real tonic for C - when he lived along the road from us I would often wander up the garden and find the two of them deep in conversation about some 'man' stuff, usually to do with tools/gadgets or moaning about kids. It was a sad day for us when they moved away, so it's a real treat when Bill turns up for a visit, although he himself confesses that the only thing he misses about England is Sidney - "Siddooo" as he always calls him - and I think Sidney feels the same!!
Bill invited us out to Portugal later in the year, which may well be a welcome break in C's treatment, and if he's up to travelling we'll hopefully make the trip. All these things are so up in the air and it's impossible right now to make any firm decisions, but it's nice to know that the option is there, if we want it. It's nice to have friends, and it's even nice when they are there in these situations, where it would be understandable if they ran a mile in the opposite direction - I think the next few months will be very telling in that area.
Bill has always been a real tonic for C - when he lived along the road from us I would often wander up the garden and find the two of them deep in conversation about some 'man' stuff, usually to do with tools/gadgets or moaning about kids. It was a sad day for us when they moved away, so it's a real treat when Bill turns up for a visit, although he himself confesses that the only thing he misses about England is Sidney - "Siddooo" as he always calls him - and I think Sidney feels the same!!
Bill invited us out to Portugal later in the year, which may well be a welcome break in C's treatment, and if he's up to travelling we'll hopefully make the trip. All these things are so up in the air and it's impossible right now to make any firm decisions, but it's nice to know that the option is there, if we want it. It's nice to have friends, and it's even nice when they are there in these situations, where it would be understandable if they ran a mile in the opposite direction - I think the next few months will be very telling in that area.
D Day + 2: Saturday 14 August 2010: Part 1
Somehow I will never quite get to grips with mornings; since being on leave I've either been surviving on minimal hours sleep (in France) or too much (at home) and feeling groggy in the mornings either way. This morning wasn't too bad, and thankfully C had slept much better so was not quite as shattered as yesterday; this state of affairs was much aided by the fact that Sidney (the dog) was not roaming around the bed and bedroom quite so much as usual - perhaps he's got a handle on what's happening? He is a sensitive chap, thinks he's half human really....
It's been handy having some kind of plan for the days so far - I know were only two days post diagnosis, but having something to look forward to, small though it may be, is giving some kind of shape to the days. Something I hope we can continue as the weeks and months go by. C needed to go to the Post Office (EBay sales still ongoing) and the chemist for the diazepam Mr O had prescribed for C to take before the MRI scan (he gets a bit claustrophobic and the thought of spending any length of time in a narrow tube is frankly quite alarming). Chores done, we decided to investigate changing my car, a Suzuki Grand Vitara - I've had it a while and it's becoming quite expensive to run (1.6 litre engine and the price of petrol these days, oo er...). Off down to Son No 1's place of work to check out a Jimny....sadly it's not going to prove any more economic than good old Greg I've got now (named by my bubbly friend Deb, don't ask why...I don't know either). So a rethink required there.
Also went down to the Roman Villa for a cuppa and some of their home made cake - it never ceases to amaze me that at the Villa you will ALWAYS find (1) a man with a beard and sandals, (2) someone wearing those trousers of which the bottom half zip off to turn them into shorts (possibly the man with beard and sandals) and (3) someone who spends a lot of time pontificating about the Romans, why they built the villa there, what their lifestyle was like etc etc (and not usually a member of the staff). Love the Villa as I do, it does seem to attract a certain type of person, which worries me slightly as I wonder what they think of me.....
C has spend a substantial amount of time 'genning' up on the ipad - this is, he explains, so he can understand how it works and get the most from it...personally I think it's a good cover for just playing with it; he's getting quite flash explaining what it does and what he's 'zipped' over to it from the computer, mobile phone etc.... He's downloaded some ibooks (the free ones) and a couple of podcasts, but spent most of his time reading the manual on the ipad, on the ipad.....Neil, his mate from work and former golf partner, has arrived now and they are hunched over the ipad like two small boys in the school playground with a new supply of conkers......
Am off out tonight to meet up with some old school friends - should be interesting as I haven't seen most of them in years; no doubt there will be much discussion on how we've all changed and what we're all up to now...I'm just wondering whether to pass on my news - it's bound to be a bit of a conversation killer!
It's really weird that it's easy to forget that C has cancer...he's so well in himself, no pain or discomfort, and doesn't look ill. I hate to think this is going to change and he will become quite poorly and weak; he doesn't do illness very well, and this is going to be a real challenge for him to accept. Talking about it is when it hits home; but hopefully those around us will keep talking and we'll have this thing out in the open.
It's been handy having some kind of plan for the days so far - I know were only two days post diagnosis, but having something to look forward to, small though it may be, is giving some kind of shape to the days. Something I hope we can continue as the weeks and months go by. C needed to go to the Post Office (EBay sales still ongoing) and the chemist for the diazepam Mr O had prescribed for C to take before the MRI scan (he gets a bit claustrophobic and the thought of spending any length of time in a narrow tube is frankly quite alarming). Chores done, we decided to investigate changing my car, a Suzuki Grand Vitara - I've had it a while and it's becoming quite expensive to run (1.6 litre engine and the price of petrol these days, oo er...). Off down to Son No 1's place of work to check out a Jimny....sadly it's not going to prove any more economic than good old Greg I've got now (named by my bubbly friend Deb, don't ask why...I don't know either). So a rethink required there.
Also went down to the Roman Villa for a cuppa and some of their home made cake - it never ceases to amaze me that at the Villa you will ALWAYS find (1) a man with a beard and sandals, (2) someone wearing those trousers of which the bottom half zip off to turn them into shorts (possibly the man with beard and sandals) and (3) someone who spends a lot of time pontificating about the Romans, why they built the villa there, what their lifestyle was like etc etc (and not usually a member of the staff). Love the Villa as I do, it does seem to attract a certain type of person, which worries me slightly as I wonder what they think of me.....
C has spend a substantial amount of time 'genning' up on the ipad - this is, he explains, so he can understand how it works and get the most from it...personally I think it's a good cover for just playing with it; he's getting quite flash explaining what it does and what he's 'zipped' over to it from the computer, mobile phone etc.... He's downloaded some ibooks (the free ones) and a couple of podcasts, but spent most of his time reading the manual on the ipad, on the ipad.....Neil, his mate from work and former golf partner, has arrived now and they are hunched over the ipad like two small boys in the school playground with a new supply of conkers......
Am off out tonight to meet up with some old school friends - should be interesting as I haven't seen most of them in years; no doubt there will be much discussion on how we've all changed and what we're all up to now...I'm just wondering whether to pass on my news - it's bound to be a bit of a conversation killer!
It's really weird that it's easy to forget that C has cancer...he's so well in himself, no pain or discomfort, and doesn't look ill. I hate to think this is going to change and he will become quite poorly and weak; he doesn't do illness very well, and this is going to be a real challenge for him to accept. Talking about it is when it hits home; but hopefully those around us will keep talking and we'll have this thing out in the open.
D Day + 1: Friday 13 August 2010 - Ikea Day
So, you've been told your husband has cancer, you're in shock, you've told a few people, what next? Why not a trip to Ikea? This may not seem like an exciting thing for most people, but given that we live on the Isle of Wight, where we don't have many large, international stores, going to 'North Island', if you don't do it very often, is a bit of a treat. Southampton day trips are a thing of legend for us - it's a whole day thing, including breakfast on the Red Funnel ferry (a must - their hash browns are amazing :D), driving to Ikea (yes, we took the car - you never know whether you are going to come back with a piece of furniture so it's best to be prepared) and spending as long as possible browsing round it. In the old days we used to have to go to Croydon for Ikea, which was a very long day and involved lots more preparation - this would not be a casual visit as we would make lists of what we needed, make sure we had a big enough car, take stuff for Romilly (she got bored easily, still does) etc etc. Popping across the water on the off chance of making a purchase is a new experience as far as Ikea is concerned, and probably not the best one for me - I have a tendency to grab things as I go round, almost like panic buying, and once I reach the Marketplace downstairs I'm worse than a kid in a sweetshop; more than once I've got to the checkout and unpacked the shopping bag only to find that I've bought things I don't need, and have forgotten to get what I came for! So this leisurely stroll around the Southampton branch was more enjoyable and less frenetic than previous visits; and I didn't go too mad either!!
C had decided that he was going to buy an Ipad - and why not; there's nothing like being given seriously bad news to make you want to treat yourself, plus it will come in handy for things like ibooks when he's in hospital etc. This was duly purchased, and I swear Romilly looked a little green when C had the swish little white Apple bag with the ipad in it.... Licence to spend money was therefore given and I splashed out a little...not too much...and so did Rom. Very enjoyable experience was had by all, and we duly trouped home on the 4pm ferry to unpack the purchases (I've usually forgotten what I've bought by the time I get home so it's like shopping all over again...plus a reminder of how bad my short term memory is getting!)
Romilly went meteor-gazing with Dan once it got dark; C played with his new toy, and I watched a film, with a glass of wine, in front of a blazing log fire...I know it's August but it felt like October - any excuse!
C had decided that he was going to buy an Ipad - and why not; there's nothing like being given seriously bad news to make you want to treat yourself, plus it will come in handy for things like ibooks when he's in hospital etc. This was duly purchased, and I swear Romilly looked a little green when C had the swish little white Apple bag with the ipad in it.... Licence to spend money was therefore given and I splashed out a little...not too much...and so did Rom. Very enjoyable experience was had by all, and we duly trouped home on the 4pm ferry to unpack the purchases (I've usually forgotten what I've bought by the time I get home so it's like shopping all over again...plus a reminder of how bad my short term memory is getting!)
Romilly went meteor-gazing with Dan once it got dark; C played with his new toy, and I watched a film, with a glass of wine, in front of a blazing log fire...I know it's August but it felt like October - any excuse!
D (Diagnosis) Day - Thursday 12 August 2010, Part 2: Telling People
Trying to organise getting the three kids together at the same time, in the same place, without panicking them was no easy feat - they are all switched on and know that something isn't right, so it was going to be a battle! They had to come first though, be told together, and given the chance to ask us about what is happening and, as a family, be upset together. Romilly, the youngest and the only daughter (a perfect 50/50 cross between C and I, although I would tend to say she's more Cole than Wheeler....especially when there are other Coles around....) got home first and demanded to know why she had been summoned home and had to change her plans. It was tricky trying to stay 'normal' (though quite what that means for me I don't know, I'd hate to be labelled as normal) and not tell her until her brothers arrived - she does like to know things and will keep on until she finds out. She's always been good at this, working on the premise that if she badgers someone enough they will tell her what she wants to know as it's easier to get her off your back than keep telling her no; however C and I have developed enough tenacity over the last 18 years (or 17 I suppose, since she started talking) to keep batting her back!!!! The boys - Bren and Chich (C's sons, my stepsons, aged 31 and 29 respectively) duly arrived and we all sat round the table - they all knew something was up as this does not usually happen without there being a large meal involved. We explained what had happened, what would happen next to the best of our knowledge, and let them 'have their head' to cry, ask questions, or sit in stunned silence (they mainly did the latter). That said, it was obvious from the way they reacted that those kids are going to be a boundless source of support for their Dad, and me to an extent; they are and always have been amazing kids to us and will manage to keep us on track when the way ahead gets rather 'wobbly'.
After this we decided to go out for dinner anyway - we weren't going to but from the outset we've decided that life must and will go on and everything that we can do we will. It was a nice meal; Dad always loves to be 'mein host' and tells everyone to order what they want - he still hasn't got to grips with the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to and ordered a whole bottle of wine for me; I took three quarters of it home in my bag.
After this we decided to go out for dinner anyway - we weren't going to but from the outset we've decided that life must and will go on and everything that we can do we will. It was a nice meal; Dad always loves to be 'mein host' and tells everyone to order what they want - he still hasn't got to grips with the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to and ordered a whole bottle of wine for me; I took three quarters of it home in my bag.
D (Diagnosis) Day - Thursday 12 August 2010: Part 1 - Finding Out
Waking up on 12 August is always a bit upsetting these days - it's my Mum's birthday, and each year the day is just a reminder that she isn't here any more (she died in 2003). Dad always takes us out for dinner and we spend the evening together and toast Mum in a quiet moment. But today I also knew that we were going to see the consultant about the results of the CAT scan C had done last Thursday (while I was in France - see, I go away for the first time in ages, leave them all to it for a week and this is what happens.....)
Feeling fed up and missing choir people, I duly accompany C to the clinic, still wallowing in my own lowness - serves me bloody right in a way, I needed a wake up call but this was on a par with being blown clear out of the water. Mr O, the consultant, who reminded me somewhat of Trevor McDonald, sits us down and shows us the scan pictures. My head starts to buzz a little when he starts by saying "I'm sorry I don't have any better news for you..." and things after that are a bit of a blur. I daren't look at C straight away; the shock of what I'm being told means that holding it together, not panicking, breathing regularly and not screaming the place down is using up all my energy. I hear the words "large cancerous tumour...may have spread to liver...lung...chemotherapy....surgery...." etc and am scared, shit scared, and then I look over at this husband of mine.
C generally is not an emotional person; he's a bit 'old school' as far at that's concerned and usually keeps a 'stiff upper lip' and carries on - he's had plenty of experience of this as he's been through a lot in his life; losing his Dad at age 7, his younger son being born with serious heart problems, his own Mum's cancer battles, divorce etc etc. He always comes through with quiet dignity and stoicism, shedding barely a tear in the process, although you (or I really I suppose) know that inside he's falling apart a little bit. When I looked across at him in Mr O's consulting room I felt more scared than I ever have in my life - this man, this rock for me and our kids, the one that colleagues rely on the sort things out, the nicest neighbour, friend and ally, was openly and frighteningly sobbing in front of me and two complete strangers....readers I kid you not, that was the moment that I knew what we were up against; whatever else this cancer throws at us, the moment I saw C cry like that was a defining moment in this whole nightmare scenario.
And so we left the clinic. C now has a cancer nurse he can speak to, he has an MRI scan booked and his treatment will be discussed next Wednesday...and we will know the next step next Thursday afternoon. Depending on how 'attached' to the liver this cancerous kidney is will dictate whether he has surgery to remove it; whatever happens there will be chemotherapy. It's a scary prospect; I daren't even remember the statistics and percentages Mr O quoted at us...in my head this is a fight we CANNOT lose.
Feeling fed up and missing choir people, I duly accompany C to the clinic, still wallowing in my own lowness - serves me bloody right in a way, I needed a wake up call but this was on a par with being blown clear out of the water. Mr O, the consultant, who reminded me somewhat of Trevor McDonald, sits us down and shows us the scan pictures. My head starts to buzz a little when he starts by saying "I'm sorry I don't have any better news for you..." and things after that are a bit of a blur. I daren't look at C straight away; the shock of what I'm being told means that holding it together, not panicking, breathing regularly and not screaming the place down is using up all my energy. I hear the words "large cancerous tumour...may have spread to liver...lung...chemotherapy....surgery...." etc and am scared, shit scared, and then I look over at this husband of mine.
C generally is not an emotional person; he's a bit 'old school' as far at that's concerned and usually keeps a 'stiff upper lip' and carries on - he's had plenty of experience of this as he's been through a lot in his life; losing his Dad at age 7, his younger son being born with serious heart problems, his own Mum's cancer battles, divorce etc etc. He always comes through with quiet dignity and stoicism, shedding barely a tear in the process, although you (or I really I suppose) know that inside he's falling apart a little bit. When I looked across at him in Mr O's consulting room I felt more scared than I ever have in my life - this man, this rock for me and our kids, the one that colleagues rely on the sort things out, the nicest neighbour, friend and ally, was openly and frighteningly sobbing in front of me and two complete strangers....readers I kid you not, that was the moment that I knew what we were up against; whatever else this cancer throws at us, the moment I saw C cry like that was a defining moment in this whole nightmare scenario.
And so we left the clinic. C now has a cancer nurse he can speak to, he has an MRI scan booked and his treatment will be discussed next Wednesday...and we will know the next step next Thursday afternoon. Depending on how 'attached' to the liver this cancerous kidney is will dictate whether he has surgery to remove it; whatever happens there will be chemotherapy. It's a scary prospect; I daren't even remember the statistics and percentages Mr O quoted at us...in my head this is a fight we CANNOT lose.
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