It's Halloween. I realise that I haven't blogged since last Tuesday, and apologise to anyone who follows the blog regularly for not having done so. Truth is that I'm not sure how interesting the blog can be right now, as one day merges into the next in a routine of waking up late, dishing out the drugs, finding things to do, thinking about what to eat, what to watch on TV and what time to go to bed. Each day is more or less the same, punctuated all to infrequently by other things such as trips out, visitors etc etc. You get the picture. It appears that this cancer has taken over our lives in a way that I couldn't have predicted - it's made us fearful or unmotivated to do things any differently. A vicious cycle of repetitive routine. I have many friends who have told me to ring them, email them, text them, when I get fed up and want to meet up for coffee/lunch/drinks/dinner, but truth is that I am not, and never have been, any good at asking for help, in anything. And I supposed that I've taken on this role of caring for C so readily (as I believe I should) that it's difficult to know where or how to slot in anyone or anything else. If you ask me if I'd like to meet up I'll jump at the chance, and so would C with his friends, but we neither of us are the ones who can do the asking. And so we go on, day in and day out, with each other - which is not all bad, believe me; it would be far worse for anyone to go through this alone, and it wouldn't feel right for me not to do this with and for C.
It's also a bit of a let down for me not having anything particularly exciting or positive to share; and so as I realise that this blog is becoming mundane, so I realise that's why no-one comments on it. Is anyone reading it any more? It started as an outlet for me to share what we are going through - back in the early days post diagnosis I felt the need to get my thoughts and fears out there, a cathartic process for me, but as time goes on it becomes more difficult to do this - my fears are still there, my mind runs on, but I can't share this with everyone; the kids read this blog, so do a lot of our family, and for me to talk in the blog about what I am scared of will not do them any good, so I don't. C said to me at the beginning that the blog should have a purpose, and it did when I started, but now I'm not sure what purpose it serves. I can't and don't put down all the medical issues we are having, how we deal with them, because putting things down in black and white leaves what I say open to too much interpretation - and what I don't want to do is create a panic if someone reads something and takes it the wrong way. So where do I go from here?
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
D Day + 75: Tuesday 26 October 2010 - Rain Rain Go Away
Woke up to rain today - bit of a shocker after the long run of nice sunny weather we've been having; I just hope I haven't put the mockers on it by having referred to the sunshine such a lot in recent postings!!!!
C had a bad night last night - he woke me up this morning and was distinctly off colour and tired. He said he just couldn't settle at all, kept tossing and turning all night and barely got any sleep. Having done his meds I left him in bed to see if he could catch up, or at the very least relax a bit - thankfully his blood pressure was okay and nice and low.
Catching up on chores in the kitchen, I'd almost forgotten that Rom was about (it being half term) and she strolled in and plonked in the chair, yawning. It's a nightmare getting her interested in breakfast - she normally just about manages to get herself a bowl of cereal (chocolate one week, not chocolate the next - I still indulge her just slightly...) but as Mummy was on hand today she decided she'd like pancakes...and pancakes she got - with fresh lemon juice too, dontchaknow!! Not bad if I say so myself...
We sat and made some more Christmas cards this morning - Rom hasn't had a go at them yet and it was nice to sit and do something together. C got up around then and looked much perkier for a shower and clean clothes. He is starting to suffer with dry skin on his face now, as we had been warned, so we have to add regular applications of Savlon healing gel to the list of 'drug' administrations. Good job I'm generally organised - my drug chart is a sight to behold.
We also broke into the new jigsaw puzzle today, and assembled the outside edges in record time. Does everyone do that? It's always been the way with me and my lot - you sort all the pieces into edge and non-edge bits, then put all the edges together first. Makes perfect sense to me!
Leaving Rom and C at home having their lunch - beans on toast with cheese on top (well you have to have cheese on top, it's not the same otherwise) - I went off to meet another lovely friend of mine - Shaz (I think I've mentioned her before - she's the one who makes me spend money at garden centres) - and yes we went to another garden centre, for lunch and shopping (obviously). Shaz is very keen on Christmas, and gets her house decorated nice and early (her birthday is at the beginning of December and she likes to have everything sorted before then). So having downed a lovely lunch we wandered off and browsed in the Christmas section - lots of different colour schemes and lots of ideas for the tree, table etc. Got to feeling quite festive!! I did buy a couple of bits, and having moaned just the other day about not feeling like starting Christmas shopping, I did buy a couple of bits for Romilly's stocking. Yes, she has a stocking on Christmas morning, which she opens while sitting in bed with us. There, now I've embarrassed her to all you readers!!! I'm happy for her to carry on with this as long as possible...it's one last link to her being a little excited child. Talking of which, when I got home she was snuggled up on the sofa with C, watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - we bought a few classic films on DVD recently and she decided to watch this one; not much else to do in the rain right? Wrong! Off we went to Ryde as she needed to get some bits and pieces for her and Daniel's costumes for a Halloween party on Saturday. Wandering around Ryde we were, like a couple of drowned rats after a while, but mission was accomplished, plus a few extras (inevitable when you get two women going in and out of shops). She's gone over to Dan's tonight and C and I are tucked up in the lounge trying to ignore the horrible weather. I just hope we wake up tomorrow in much better spirits and weather conditions than today.
C had a bad night last night - he woke me up this morning and was distinctly off colour and tired. He said he just couldn't settle at all, kept tossing and turning all night and barely got any sleep. Having done his meds I left him in bed to see if he could catch up, or at the very least relax a bit - thankfully his blood pressure was okay and nice and low.
Catching up on chores in the kitchen, I'd almost forgotten that Rom was about (it being half term) and she strolled in and plonked in the chair, yawning. It's a nightmare getting her interested in breakfast - she normally just about manages to get herself a bowl of cereal (chocolate one week, not chocolate the next - I still indulge her just slightly...) but as Mummy was on hand today she decided she'd like pancakes...and pancakes she got - with fresh lemon juice too, dontchaknow!! Not bad if I say so myself...
We sat and made some more Christmas cards this morning - Rom hasn't had a go at them yet and it was nice to sit and do something together. C got up around then and looked much perkier for a shower and clean clothes. He is starting to suffer with dry skin on his face now, as we had been warned, so we have to add regular applications of Savlon healing gel to the list of 'drug' administrations. Good job I'm generally organised - my drug chart is a sight to behold.
We also broke into the new jigsaw puzzle today, and assembled the outside edges in record time. Does everyone do that? It's always been the way with me and my lot - you sort all the pieces into edge and non-edge bits, then put all the edges together first. Makes perfect sense to me!
Leaving Rom and C at home having their lunch - beans on toast with cheese on top (well you have to have cheese on top, it's not the same otherwise) - I went off to meet another lovely friend of mine - Shaz (I think I've mentioned her before - she's the one who makes me spend money at garden centres) - and yes we went to another garden centre, for lunch and shopping (obviously). Shaz is very keen on Christmas, and gets her house decorated nice and early (her birthday is at the beginning of December and she likes to have everything sorted before then). So having downed a lovely lunch we wandered off and browsed in the Christmas section - lots of different colour schemes and lots of ideas for the tree, table etc. Got to feeling quite festive!! I did buy a couple of bits, and having moaned just the other day about not feeling like starting Christmas shopping, I did buy a couple of bits for Romilly's stocking. Yes, she has a stocking on Christmas morning, which she opens while sitting in bed with us. There, now I've embarrassed her to all you readers!!! I'm happy for her to carry on with this as long as possible...it's one last link to her being a little excited child. Talking of which, when I got home she was snuggled up on the sofa with C, watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang - we bought a few classic films on DVD recently and she decided to watch this one; not much else to do in the rain right? Wrong! Off we went to Ryde as she needed to get some bits and pieces for her and Daniel's costumes for a Halloween party on Saturday. Wandering around Ryde we were, like a couple of drowned rats after a while, but mission was accomplished, plus a few extras (inevitable when you get two women going in and out of shops). She's gone over to Dan's tonight and C and I are tucked up in the lounge trying to ignore the horrible weather. I just hope we wake up tomorrow in much better spirits and weather conditions than today.
Monday, 25 October 2010
D Day + 74: Monday 25 October 2010 - D is for Deb
It's been weird the last few mornings, waking up in bed on my own. C has taken to going into the back bedroom when he wakes up in the early morning - that's where his new TV and Sky box are, and the spare bed is nice and comfy, so he gets up, usually around 5am, goes and makes some tea and has some cereal, and goes back to bed in the spare room. Sometimes he falls back to sleep, sometimes he stays awake. This morning was no exception, but he was feeling a bit low today, not quite the ticket, so I put him back in the 'big bed' (in our room) and told him to stay there - breakfast in bed was on the menu today. We had boiled eggs (got to get some protein into him), and as always accompanied by toast soldiers. Well, doesn't everyone?! His blood pressure had been up slightly this morning, and on second checking an hour later was up very slightly again, so I told him to stay in bed this morning, while I had to go off into work to drop in my new sick certificate. Armed with the ipad, that's exactly what he did.
It was nice to see the girls at work again; it's been a month since I went in last and they always seem pleased to see me, give me big hugs and ask how it's going. I had to apologise that I didn't have any good news for them, and I know it's always difficult when someone asks how things are - once you say they're not good, or have been tricky, it's a job for anyone to know what to say! Next time I go in I am going to take them some kind of treat as a thank you for their support - cakes always go down well as I remember....
Traffic on the Island today was horrendous - two main parts of the route into Newport were closed and I ended doing almost a tour of the south Wight to get home again! No idea what was going on - it seems a bit early in the financial year for the Council to be trying to spend up the highways budget.
I'd arranged to meet my lovely friend Deb today - I'm sure I've sung her praises before now, but she is an amazingly supportive and kind friend, and has been an absolute rock for me in the past few weeks. We went down to the Roman Villa - C came too, I let him get out of bed as his BP was now down to normal limits - ostensibly for coffee, but it's so lovely down there and the food is delicioso (as I know I've said before) so we stayed for lunch, and then more tea and cake. Yum. It's very easy to forget that there's a world out there, when you are spending so much time at home dealing with illness - and with a little effort you can change your outlook, just by being around people. And no obnoxious small children in the restaurant this time I'm happy to report (see yesterday's blog for that particular rant). It was lovely to watch C chatting and filling up on lunch; he does enjoy getting out, even if it is a bit of an effort sometimes. Just wish it could happen more really, but my powers of entertainment are limited and it's not easy to ask anyone else to arrange anything as I know everyone is so busy.
I dropped C back home so he could have a restorative nap, and Deb and I went off to another favourite place - the garden centre. I need to plant some bulbs in the front flower bed, and as it's notorious for weeds it seemed a good idea to get some of that bark stuff to put down. They had their Christmas display up so we had a look round that, but I still can't get excited about it; shrubs though are a different matter...I could have restocked the garden!! It was nice to spend some time with Deb; she's a very calm and thoughtful person to talk to, very balanced and non-judgemental. It helps to talk to her; and as she is going through a similar kind of thing herself, she has a view on how I feel that other people would struggle to understand - not that I don't love, want and appreciate seeing any of my other friends, as they are all wonderful and supportive in their unique ways. She's also amazing at supporting and talking with C - they get on really well and she calls him her 'other husband'. By the time we'd got back, had more tea etc and caught up with Romilly when she came home, it was gone 4pm - time had flown. So today D is for Deb - a Deb Day, and I hope there will be many more; I have a feeling C and I are going to need them.
It was nice to see the girls at work again; it's been a month since I went in last and they always seem pleased to see me, give me big hugs and ask how it's going. I had to apologise that I didn't have any good news for them, and I know it's always difficult when someone asks how things are - once you say they're not good, or have been tricky, it's a job for anyone to know what to say! Next time I go in I am going to take them some kind of treat as a thank you for their support - cakes always go down well as I remember....
Traffic on the Island today was horrendous - two main parts of the route into Newport were closed and I ended doing almost a tour of the south Wight to get home again! No idea what was going on - it seems a bit early in the financial year for the Council to be trying to spend up the highways budget.
I'd arranged to meet my lovely friend Deb today - I'm sure I've sung her praises before now, but she is an amazingly supportive and kind friend, and has been an absolute rock for me in the past few weeks. We went down to the Roman Villa - C came too, I let him get out of bed as his BP was now down to normal limits - ostensibly for coffee, but it's so lovely down there and the food is delicioso (as I know I've said before) so we stayed for lunch, and then more tea and cake. Yum. It's very easy to forget that there's a world out there, when you are spending so much time at home dealing with illness - and with a little effort you can change your outlook, just by being around people. And no obnoxious small children in the restaurant this time I'm happy to report (see yesterday's blog for that particular rant). It was lovely to watch C chatting and filling up on lunch; he does enjoy getting out, even if it is a bit of an effort sometimes. Just wish it could happen more really, but my powers of entertainment are limited and it's not easy to ask anyone else to arrange anything as I know everyone is so busy.
I dropped C back home so he could have a restorative nap, and Deb and I went off to another favourite place - the garden centre. I need to plant some bulbs in the front flower bed, and as it's notorious for weeds it seemed a good idea to get some of that bark stuff to put down. They had their Christmas display up so we had a look round that, but I still can't get excited about it; shrubs though are a different matter...I could have restocked the garden!! It was nice to spend some time with Deb; she's a very calm and thoughtful person to talk to, very balanced and non-judgemental. It helps to talk to her; and as she is going through a similar kind of thing herself, she has a view on how I feel that other people would struggle to understand - not that I don't love, want and appreciate seeing any of my other friends, as they are all wonderful and supportive in their unique ways. She's also amazing at supporting and talking with C - they get on really well and she calls him her 'other husband'. By the time we'd got back, had more tea etc and caught up with Romilly when she came home, it was gone 4pm - time had flown. So today D is for Deb - a Deb Day, and I hope there will be many more; I have a feeling C and I are going to need them.
D Day + 73: Sunday 24 October 2010 - Making up for Lost Time
It's two months until Christmas Eve. Two months. But I can't get motivated to start anything like present shopping, or even cracking on making the cards. I don't know what things will be like in two days, let alone two months, so I keep shelving all thoughts of Christmas almost as soon as they come into my head; no doubt that will come back to bite me on the a**e when it's almost upon us and I've still done nothing.
Having done practically nothing yesterday due to fending off aforesaid bats (like that - aforesaid, how 'literary'!!!) today was spent in almost a fury of activity trying to catch up on chores. I got the laundry sorted and hung out, only to realise that it wasn't that urgent because Romilly is on half term next week and doesn't need her college uniform. It was nice to get all the bedding clean, dried and pressed though - although it pains me to get into a nice clean bed with all the bedding pressed and crisp; I don't like ruffling the pillowcases, or sheet, or duvet cover...my ASD rearing its ugly head I guess.
I also decided to crack on and trim the hedge. For those of you who don't know our garden, it has a lovely living hedge running all the way down one side of it, and that totals about 160 feet of greenery that needs to be kept trim - 320 feet if you count both sides of it, and 480 feet if you are going to trim the top as well. That is a LOT of hedge. It was one of C's once or twice yearly jobs (depending on how much the bugger had grown), but as he can't manage it at the moment it has got a bit, well, out of hand (I think we've lost about a foot of garden and lane, either side, due to it's bushiness!!) I'd been talking to our neighbour the other day - she came to find me and ask if it was okay for her partner Alan to trim the hedge a bit, at which point I felt it prudent to explain why we hadn't done it for a while. She was very sympathetic, having been through a serious illness recently herself, and kindly offered to sort out trimming the hedge the lane side for us, which I hastily accepted. And so I thought I ought to get on and do the side in our garden - but with the demise of the hedge trimmers some time ago, it was down to my brute force and a pair of not-so-sharp-anymore shears. I managed to get half of it done, and exercise my bingo wings in the process, and as No 2 was round to watch footie with C (and cadge another roast dinner in the process, bless him) he gave me a hand clearing up the cuttings. This has left me with a huge pile of greenery in Chickoland that needs burning - oh dear, I need to have another bonfire....c'est la vie - vive le feu!!!
Once that was done I got the beef joint in the oven, instructed C which vegetables to prep for dinner, and went off for a tramp with the mutts. We went on a different route today, because Romilly had blocked the Land Rover in the garage with her car and frankly I couldn't be bothered to shift them all round. It was nice to go somewhere different - the footpath up past Little Jane's Cottage and into the woods is lovely right now, with the beech trees dropping golden brown leaves on the path, and being up that high you have amazing views through the clear air towards Portsmouth and Chichester. Lovely too for the mutts as they don't have to be on the lead at all on the way round, only when we get back to the road.
Feeling very righteous when I got back, so once the veg was on, and I'd chopped some kindling and refilled the log basket, I poured myself a glass of wine and plonked down on the sofa. A very full, and fulfilling day today. C has struggled though - I know he hates that he can't do much physical stuff any more, and watching me do the hedge was difficult for him. Plus I've been quite active doing all these chores; he helps me out whenever he can, but he still wants to be able to be the man he was before the diagnosis, which just isn't possible at the moment. I want him to concentrate his energies on getting back to a better state of health - physical and mental - and I know it's difficult for him. He is doing so well, keeps going and tries to do what he can, but it is painful to see him feeling so, as he calls it, 'useless' compared to how he used to be. I just wish it was as easy to take over his mental state as it is to take over his chores, just to make him feel good about himself again. Bloody bloody bloody cancer.
Having done practically nothing yesterday due to fending off aforesaid bats (like that - aforesaid, how 'literary'!!!) today was spent in almost a fury of activity trying to catch up on chores. I got the laundry sorted and hung out, only to realise that it wasn't that urgent because Romilly is on half term next week and doesn't need her college uniform. It was nice to get all the bedding clean, dried and pressed though - although it pains me to get into a nice clean bed with all the bedding pressed and crisp; I don't like ruffling the pillowcases, or sheet, or duvet cover...my ASD rearing its ugly head I guess.
I also decided to crack on and trim the hedge. For those of you who don't know our garden, it has a lovely living hedge running all the way down one side of it, and that totals about 160 feet of greenery that needs to be kept trim - 320 feet if you count both sides of it, and 480 feet if you are going to trim the top as well. That is a LOT of hedge. It was one of C's once or twice yearly jobs (depending on how much the bugger had grown), but as he can't manage it at the moment it has got a bit, well, out of hand (I think we've lost about a foot of garden and lane, either side, due to it's bushiness!!) I'd been talking to our neighbour the other day - she came to find me and ask if it was okay for her partner Alan to trim the hedge a bit, at which point I felt it prudent to explain why we hadn't done it for a while. She was very sympathetic, having been through a serious illness recently herself, and kindly offered to sort out trimming the hedge the lane side for us, which I hastily accepted. And so I thought I ought to get on and do the side in our garden - but with the demise of the hedge trimmers some time ago, it was down to my brute force and a pair of not-so-sharp-anymore shears. I managed to get half of it done, and exercise my bingo wings in the process, and as No 2 was round to watch footie with C (and cadge another roast dinner in the process, bless him) he gave me a hand clearing up the cuttings. This has left me with a huge pile of greenery in Chickoland that needs burning - oh dear, I need to have another bonfire....c'est la vie - vive le feu!!!
Once that was done I got the beef joint in the oven, instructed C which vegetables to prep for dinner, and went off for a tramp with the mutts. We went on a different route today, because Romilly had blocked the Land Rover in the garage with her car and frankly I couldn't be bothered to shift them all round. It was nice to go somewhere different - the footpath up past Little Jane's Cottage and into the woods is lovely right now, with the beech trees dropping golden brown leaves on the path, and being up that high you have amazing views through the clear air towards Portsmouth and Chichester. Lovely too for the mutts as they don't have to be on the lead at all on the way round, only when we get back to the road.
Feeling very righteous when I got back, so once the veg was on, and I'd chopped some kindling and refilled the log basket, I poured myself a glass of wine and plonked down on the sofa. A very full, and fulfilling day today. C has struggled though - I know he hates that he can't do much physical stuff any more, and watching me do the hedge was difficult for him. Plus I've been quite active doing all these chores; he helps me out whenever he can, but he still wants to be able to be the man he was before the diagnosis, which just isn't possible at the moment. I want him to concentrate his energies on getting back to a better state of health - physical and mental - and I know it's difficult for him. He is doing so well, keeps going and tries to do what he can, but it is painful to see him feeling so, as he calls it, 'useless' compared to how he used to be. I just wish it was as easy to take over his mental state as it is to take over his chores, just to make him feel good about himself again. Bloody bloody bloody cancer.
D Day + 72: Saturday 23 October 2010 - Bats and Not Much Activity
I think I may have had a slight hangover this morning; I don't get crashing hangovers as people describe, but I definitely wasn't the full ticket, so I would term it a bit 'bats in the belfry' rather than 'hung over.'
I spent the morning catching up on the blog again - the days seem to merge quickly into each other that I forget to do it some days and have to flog my brain to remember what happened! I also uploaded photos from the party last night (see yesterday's blog, and if you're on Facebook you can see them on my page, if you're my friend....) I must have had a good time, and a few white wines, because I don't remember what time I got home; all I do remember is getting a lift back with my lovely soprano buddy Tina and her partner Steve (thanks guys!) and walking up The Mall, still obviously wearing my Dick Turpin outfit...good job no-one was about or I may have been tempted to actually try out a bit of highway robbery....
Having taken most of the morning to 'come to', we ventured out to Ryde - C fancied something to keep him occupied, a hobby, and he's always enjoyed piecing together complicated models of various things, so we went out and bought a kit for a Peugeot 307 rally car; trouble was that there was no price on it, which led to much discussion over the telephone by the girl behind the counter, trying to ascertain what she should charge. In the end they came up with the figure of £11.40 - which, by mine and C's estimation, was about £30 short of what it should have been, compared to other similar kits on the same shelf...bargainarama. And I got a jigsaw puzzle...because I like them, so there.
We went and had a quick coffee in Liberty's, which started out quite relaxing but was quickly spoiled by a couple who came in with two young children - now, I don't want to sound like an old bag (though I expect some people would think I am just that) but my days of tolerating the loud noises and over activity of young children are well and truly over; my daughter is 18 years old, and even when she was a toddler I did not allow her, nor did she have any inclination, to make as much attention-seeking noise as possible and jump up and down or run around screaming when she didn't get it. I don't have anything against young children being out with their parents, but what I do object to is when they are allowed to impinge on the peace and enjoyment of other people in the vicinity while their parents either blatantly turn a blind eye or just look at them with a look of 'Bless them' on their faces. Small children are cute, when they behave cute, not when they shout, scream, cry loudly, run around in circles, jump up and down constantly or repeatedly yell the same word to gain some attention. So there were C and I, sitting at a table drinking tea, and these children are next to us, bounding around on the leather sofas; so we did the decent thing (which is sadly more than their parents did) and left quietly. Make of my opinion what you will - I doubt very much that I am alone!!!!!
I spent the morning catching up on the blog again - the days seem to merge quickly into each other that I forget to do it some days and have to flog my brain to remember what happened! I also uploaded photos from the party last night (see yesterday's blog, and if you're on Facebook you can see them on my page, if you're my friend....) I must have had a good time, and a few white wines, because I don't remember what time I got home; all I do remember is getting a lift back with my lovely soprano buddy Tina and her partner Steve (thanks guys!) and walking up The Mall, still obviously wearing my Dick Turpin outfit...good job no-one was about or I may have been tempted to actually try out a bit of highway robbery....
Having taken most of the morning to 'come to', we ventured out to Ryde - C fancied something to keep him occupied, a hobby, and he's always enjoyed piecing together complicated models of various things, so we went out and bought a kit for a Peugeot 307 rally car; trouble was that there was no price on it, which led to much discussion over the telephone by the girl behind the counter, trying to ascertain what she should charge. In the end they came up with the figure of £11.40 - which, by mine and C's estimation, was about £30 short of what it should have been, compared to other similar kits on the same shelf...bargainarama. And I got a jigsaw puzzle...because I like them, so there.
We went and had a quick coffee in Liberty's, which started out quite relaxing but was quickly spoiled by a couple who came in with two young children - now, I don't want to sound like an old bag (though I expect some people would think I am just that) but my days of tolerating the loud noises and over activity of young children are well and truly over; my daughter is 18 years old, and even when she was a toddler I did not allow her, nor did she have any inclination, to make as much attention-seeking noise as possible and jump up and down or run around screaming when she didn't get it. I don't have anything against young children being out with their parents, but what I do object to is when they are allowed to impinge on the peace and enjoyment of other people in the vicinity while their parents either blatantly turn a blind eye or just look at them with a look of 'Bless them' on their faces. Small children are cute, when they behave cute, not when they shout, scream, cry loudly, run around in circles, jump up and down constantly or repeatedly yell the same word to gain some attention. So there were C and I, sitting at a table drinking tea, and these children are next to us, bounding around on the leather sofas; so we did the decent thing (which is sadly more than their parents did) and left quietly. Make of my opinion what you will - I doubt very much that I am alone!!!!!
Saturday, 23 October 2010
D Day + 71: Friday 22 October 2010 - The Doctor, The Dishwasher and The Highwayman
I saw my GP again this morning - I've seen him more in the last month than in the last 20 odd years he's been my GP. He's a nice bloke, I like him and trust his judgement, and I don't have any worries talking to him about what's happening to us. He's very kind, and understands what it's like for me, and gave me some more time off, thankfully, to be at home with C. I asked him about C's illness and prognosis and what have you, and he seemed genuinely concerned that he couldn't give me a straight answer about what will happen - it's all too open ended, and apparently the biotherapy C is on can and does work wonders for many many cancer patients, as he has seen for himself. So it was encouraging for me to talk openly to someone in the know, and he has told me if there's anything else I need, to let him know. I felt very reassured, which is nice in the current climate of uncertainty.
The new dishwasher was delivered today - a bit of a double edged sword for me as although I was looking forward to the new one arriving, seeing the old one going was like losing an old friend, albeit one who's been harbouring fluff, dog biscuit and who-knows-what other kinds of detritus behind it for the last six and a half years! But off it went, into the back of the Currys lorry, leaving the new shiny silver model in its place. I have yet to give it a name....
No 2 came round this afternoon in his official capacity as a Sky installer - he's put in and connected a Sky box in the back room, linked to C's new TV, so that he can get a decent signal in there. No 2's workmate Jim was with him, a chap he's known for almost his whole life, and who used to play in the junior football team with him - which made me feel old yet again as I realised the little chap was now a grown man with family of his own, whereas I always used to think of him as aged 9 running around a muddy pitch in footie kit. How things have changed! It is nice though that the kids can do things for their dad now, and I know they love to look after him when they get the chance - he's done so much for them through their lives that they leap at the chance for a bit of payback. C has been an amazing dad to all three kids, and still is, and hopefully will continue to be for some time to come.
We also had No 1 round tonight! I was off to a Carry On themed fancy dress party for one of the choir girl's 50th birthday, so No 1 said he'd keep his dad company, and cook dinner for them both. Brilliant, off I went up to my bedroom to get all costumed up, leaving the two chaps wreaking havoc in my kitchen...well not havoc really, but it is weird to leave someone else in there doing the cooking!! No 1 rustled up a very nice dinner for him and his dad, and it was lovely to see them sat together watching the football, dinners on laps in front of the fire. Cosy.
And so to the party...and my costume!! I'd ummed and ahhed about going, but decided to grasp the nettle and get on with it - shouldn't pass up opportunities when they come your way, however trivial they seem. I'd managed to get a great costume from Masqueryde in Ryde - if you ever need to dress up go there; they are so helpful and can put together almost anything!! It only took a quick phone call and within the hour I'd been there, tried it all on, had several suggestions and additions made, paid, and come home fully equipped. It was a great party - and most people there had made an effort with costumes; it was a shame though that more choir members didn't go, as it made it slightly less impressive when we got up to do a couple of songs, as we'd been asked - I think there were 11 of us...and Kieron did amazingly well as the only bass. Told you we could rise to a challenge!!
The new dishwasher was delivered today - a bit of a double edged sword for me as although I was looking forward to the new one arriving, seeing the old one going was like losing an old friend, albeit one who's been harbouring fluff, dog biscuit and who-knows-what other kinds of detritus behind it for the last six and a half years! But off it went, into the back of the Currys lorry, leaving the new shiny silver model in its place. I have yet to give it a name....
No 2 came round this afternoon in his official capacity as a Sky installer - he's put in and connected a Sky box in the back room, linked to C's new TV, so that he can get a decent signal in there. No 2's workmate Jim was with him, a chap he's known for almost his whole life, and who used to play in the junior football team with him - which made me feel old yet again as I realised the little chap was now a grown man with family of his own, whereas I always used to think of him as aged 9 running around a muddy pitch in footie kit. How things have changed! It is nice though that the kids can do things for their dad now, and I know they love to look after him when they get the chance - he's done so much for them through their lives that they leap at the chance for a bit of payback. C has been an amazing dad to all three kids, and still is, and hopefully will continue to be for some time to come.
We also had No 1 round tonight! I was off to a Carry On themed fancy dress party for one of the choir girl's 50th birthday, so No 1 said he'd keep his dad company, and cook dinner for them both. Brilliant, off I went up to my bedroom to get all costumed up, leaving the two chaps wreaking havoc in my kitchen...well not havoc really, but it is weird to leave someone else in there doing the cooking!! No 1 rustled up a very nice dinner for him and his dad, and it was lovely to see them sat together watching the football, dinners on laps in front of the fire. Cosy.
And so to the party...and my costume!! I'd ummed and ahhed about going, but decided to grasp the nettle and get on with it - shouldn't pass up opportunities when they come your way, however trivial they seem. I'd managed to get a great costume from Masqueryde in Ryde - if you ever need to dress up go there; they are so helpful and can put together almost anything!! It only took a quick phone call and within the hour I'd been there, tried it all on, had several suggestions and additions made, paid, and come home fully equipped. It was a great party - and most people there had made an effort with costumes; it was a shame though that more choir members didn't go, as it made it slightly less impressive when we got up to do a couple of songs, as we'd been asked - I think there were 11 of us...and Kieron did amazingly well as the only bass. Told you we could rise to a challenge!!
Half of the micro-choir: L-R - Kieron, Hannah, Vicki, me, Kat, Ruth
D Day + 70: Thursday 21 October 2010 - Sunshine, Psychologist and School Singing
We had an appointment with the clinical psychologist this morning; Sonya had managed to get it sorted fairly quickly after last weekend's events with the blood pressure - which I am happy to report has settled nice and steadily now. C has been a bit apprehensive about seeing the CP, but as he worries about most things anyway I tend not to dwell on his anxiety too much and make him see these things as beneficial - which they are, and which he realises afterwards. She was really nice - her name's Jane, and she's quite young (but I guess most people look young to me now, I'm at that age I suppose) and we had our meeting in a nice side office in the Chemo Suite (the Purple Palace - my friend Deb would love it, it's her favourite colour...) It was obviously an emotional hour, as C was talking openly about his fears for his future, his worries for all of us, and recalling painful events in his past which may well have contributed to the way he tries to deal with things. But he opened up, and I was so so proud of him for that; I know it's not easy for him (I've told you about the Coles' problem of being emotional) and there were some things he said which even I hadn't talked with him about, so for him it's an amazing step to have taken, the first one on a hopefully long and productive path. He felt so much better when we came out, and it was lovely to see him almost back to the C he was before the diagnosis - my 'BC C' if you like!
It was another beautiful day - October sunshine seems to have been laid on for us, helping to lift our spirits and get through each day; you notice the colours in the trees so much clearer, and everywhere's green, even the air is clear. Makes you feel good - my mum would have described days like these as 'good to be alive days.' We didn't feel like going straight home, so went for lunch at the Roman Villa in Brading - if you haven't been there yet, try it; you don't have to go in to see the Villa itself, bear left through the main door and you can go straight into the little restaurant. The food is amazing - always good, fresh, hot, served nicely and fab value for money. And it's a nice place to sit out as well, if the weather's good, with views over towards Sandown Bay. You can see why old Vespasian fancied plonking a house right there. The only down side to lunch was the crashing bore sitting at the next table - pontificating in an overly loud voice about his recent 'dig' to a group of half a dozen ladies who were hanging on his every word, looking like rabbits in car headlights. Yawn.
Had a bit of a strange choir rehearsal tonight - it was open evening at the school, when parents of next year's pupil intake get the chance to have a look round, meet teachers and students, and generally get an idea of what the school can offer. And it was decided that it would be a good idea for the choir to have the rehearsal right there for everyone to see and hear. Which is fine when you're doing songs you're good at, and know well, but when you're still struggling with them and you don't have your usual accompanist or rehearsal room and there's a LOT of peripheral noise...well it doesn't make for a confidence boosting session, especially when you're being gawped at by all and sundry as well!!! But we struggle on - we've sung in so many different locations and situations now I think we can manage most things. The school's brilliant ukelele orchestra were the other end of the hall from us, and due to misinformation of timings, at one point we were in competition with them...as well as the peripheral noise! Good job we can rise to a challenge.
Pub debrief afterwards was interesting - Hannah (choir director) wanted to go over the list of music we're doing for the Christmas concert (Mon 13 Dec, 7.30pm, Medina Theatre - and tickets ARE on sale now so you have no excuse), which has changed slightly...it will need some tweaking and a bit of a cull if we're going to be out of the theatre before midnight....
It was another beautiful day - October sunshine seems to have been laid on for us, helping to lift our spirits and get through each day; you notice the colours in the trees so much clearer, and everywhere's green, even the air is clear. Makes you feel good - my mum would have described days like these as 'good to be alive days.' We didn't feel like going straight home, so went for lunch at the Roman Villa in Brading - if you haven't been there yet, try it; you don't have to go in to see the Villa itself, bear left through the main door and you can go straight into the little restaurant. The food is amazing - always good, fresh, hot, served nicely and fab value for money. And it's a nice place to sit out as well, if the weather's good, with views over towards Sandown Bay. You can see why old Vespasian fancied plonking a house right there. The only down side to lunch was the crashing bore sitting at the next table - pontificating in an overly loud voice about his recent 'dig' to a group of half a dozen ladies who were hanging on his every word, looking like rabbits in car headlights. Yawn.
Had a bit of a strange choir rehearsal tonight - it was open evening at the school, when parents of next year's pupil intake get the chance to have a look round, meet teachers and students, and generally get an idea of what the school can offer. And it was decided that it would be a good idea for the choir to have the rehearsal right there for everyone to see and hear. Which is fine when you're doing songs you're good at, and know well, but when you're still struggling with them and you don't have your usual accompanist or rehearsal room and there's a LOT of peripheral noise...well it doesn't make for a confidence boosting session, especially when you're being gawped at by all and sundry as well!!! But we struggle on - we've sung in so many different locations and situations now I think we can manage most things. The school's brilliant ukelele orchestra were the other end of the hall from us, and due to misinformation of timings, at one point we were in competition with them...as well as the peripheral noise! Good job we can rise to a challenge.
Pub debrief afterwards was interesting - Hannah (choir director) wanted to go over the list of music we're doing for the Christmas concert (Mon 13 Dec, 7.30pm, Medina Theatre - and tickets ARE on sale now so you have no excuse), which has changed slightly...it will need some tweaking and a bit of a cull if we're going to be out of the theatre before midnight....
D Day + 69: Wednesday 20 October 2010 - Curry Takeaway!!
C was going to meet Jill this morning; unfortunately she put her back out just before she was due to leave home, so they've had to postpone. At a bit of a loose end therefore, we wandered off to Currys in Newport - C had a fancy for a small TV in the spare room as that's where he goes to chill out etc; the bed is really comfy and it's a nice room anyhow, it made sense to equip it properly! Walking into Currys is a daunting experience - not being someone who's overly interested in technology (although I am getting there - as the iphone experience has shown me!) I get flummoxed by the variety and number of different types of electrical equipment - and the fact that you can now get TVs in so many shapes and specs leaves me cold. I can't really get my head around this 'HD ready' business either...But C knew what he wanted and having procured the services of a chap call Carel (I kid you not; I had to look at his name badge twice) proceeded to make his purchase...while I wandered off and drooled over the dishwashers. I know this sounds sad, but when you are faced with nice, shiny, brand spanking new bits of essential equipment (which I guess this is for me now, having had a dishwasher for many years) and you know that the one you have at home is (a) very old, (b) something you were given when somebody else got a newer one, and (c) definitely on its last legs, looking at these highly efficient, clean and up to date numbers is rather an envy-provoking experience. And then C bought one - I felt like a kid at Christmas, nose pressed against the window at the object of desire, and then Santa hands it to you!!! Brilliant!!! It took me aback a little bit - C is not usually given to spontaneous purchasing, preferring to do his research/measure/check out all the options, so this made me momentarily speechless...not a common occurrence. The guys in Currys were fantastic, arranging delivery to suit us, taking away the old one, all done efficiently and with a smile...which was unfortunately not the case when we went to Medina Quay for lunch afterwards.
I love Medina Quay - that may sound a bit naff, given that it's not exactly haute cuisine, but I spend a lot of time in there really, what with the pre-choir dinners with Hannah, the post-choir drinks, meeting up with friends for lunch/dinner/coffee over the years. It's kind of my local if you like, and I know some of the staff by name now! Our lunch experience today was not good though - it took forever to order the food, the table hadn't been cleared from the previous occupants, the waitress clearly wanted to be somewhere else - "Enjoy your meals" really needs to be said with some degree of care and enthusiasm, not a monotone with hints of 'I don't really care whether you do or not' thrown in - and when I went up to ask for a small glass of tap water so C could take his meds you'd think I'd asked her to serve it up standing on her head and juggling singing hamsters while humming the tune to the Magnificent Seven all at the same time: sigh, "Okay" she mumbled, and then proceeded to shout my request down the bar to the guy around the corner. Charming.
I had a choir concert tonight - arranged by and for Ryde Methodist Church in aid of Help for Heroes; although I'm not sure how much help they'd have got from the takings as there were more people in the choir than the audience! Must try and see these micro-concerts as a chance to rehearse rather than perform...although we did get some food and cups of tea afterwards in the church hall, which was rather quaint. And I discovered that I can get a whole mini doughnut in my mouth, and eat it without gagging (to my stomach's great discontent later on; shouldn't eat like that late at night...)
I love Medina Quay - that may sound a bit naff, given that it's not exactly haute cuisine, but I spend a lot of time in there really, what with the pre-choir dinners with Hannah, the post-choir drinks, meeting up with friends for lunch/dinner/coffee over the years. It's kind of my local if you like, and I know some of the staff by name now! Our lunch experience today was not good though - it took forever to order the food, the table hadn't been cleared from the previous occupants, the waitress clearly wanted to be somewhere else - "Enjoy your meals" really needs to be said with some degree of care and enthusiasm, not a monotone with hints of 'I don't really care whether you do or not' thrown in - and when I went up to ask for a small glass of tap water so C could take his meds you'd think I'd asked her to serve it up standing on her head and juggling singing hamsters while humming the tune to the Magnificent Seven all at the same time: sigh, "Okay" she mumbled, and then proceeded to shout my request down the bar to the guy around the corner. Charming.
I had a choir concert tonight - arranged by and for Ryde Methodist Church in aid of Help for Heroes; although I'm not sure how much help they'd have got from the takings as there were more people in the choir than the audience! Must try and see these micro-concerts as a chance to rehearse rather than perform...although we did get some food and cups of tea afterwards in the church hall, which was rather quaint. And I discovered that I can get a whole mini doughnut in my mouth, and eat it without gagging (to my stomach's great discontent later on; shouldn't eat like that late at night...)
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
D Day + 68: Tuesday 19 October 2010 - Heads Up
We had a bad night last night; nothing drastic, just restless and uncomfortable. C has taken to talking in his sleep, and I don't mean just mumbling nonsense, actual clearly understandable one-sided conversation - and I end up waking up and answering him because it sounds like he's talking to me!! But he's asleep...he thinks it's his anxieties coming out while his brain is relaxed, I think he could be right. So we woke up a few times in the night, and by the time it was really wake up time I felt shattered - a bit like "Oh I didn't hear that steamroller drive over me in the night and press all my limbs into the mattress where they've stuck like chewing gum to a hot pavement." That kind of feeling. Once I'd peeled myself off the mattress I had to do a quick get-dressed turn as today is BIN DAY - and I take the bin bags out now; plus it was recycling day so that box had to go out; if you ever fancy a giggle early on a Tuesday morning, do pop along our road about 8am and you will see a manic, frizzy-blond-haired muppet strategically depositing several black bin bags outside the house; every second week she'll lug a box of empty wine bottles out there too for extra entertainment - it's even more amusing in the rain....
Tesco again this morning, where we bumped into an old friend of ours - in that she has been a friend for years, not that she's old - Jante, who used to live next door to us in Binstead. It's always nice to catch up with her and her hubby Jonathon (although he wasn't there today). We have a shared love of dogs, gardening and good food; she's an amazing cook and we've had several delicious meals, and lots of nice wine, at their place over the years. C always feels a bit anxious at meeting people however, as he fears getting upset when relating the news of his illness - I've told him that unless they ask about it specifically we just don't drop it into the conversation, and that seems to work. We don't want to talk about it all the time, every time we see someone we know, and really don't want to make a point of telling people who don't know; but if you ask, of course we'll tell you how things are. It's just not going to take over our lives if we can help it.
Talking of lives, it's really interesting when you find out how your kids feel about things, especially when you don't ask them directly; they mention it in a conversation, with their body language, facial expression, or the most favourite way - on Facebook!! Our three kids are all amazing individuals and we are justifiably proud of each of them, but they are all absolutely useless as discussing emotive issues. That's a Cole thing (which I think each natural born Cole will tell you) not from me - I can burst into tears and tell you the inside and out of an issue at the drop of a hat; I'm an open book, no secrets, what you see and hear is what I am. But they keep things to themselves, don't talk much (unless you apply thumbscrews and/or emotional blackmail, which I haven't tried yet) directly. Last night C went up to see Rom in her room, where she tends to chill out in the evenings. He just wanted a cuddle with his baby girl, a bit of closeness and comfort, and she did that for him with a big smile; and a few tears in the process, which tells you how scared she is for her daddy, but just can't say it. Same with her brothers - I don't want to sit them down and make them tell me how they feel and ask me questions; I want them to know they can though, any time, when they are ready. In the meantime I'll keep an eye on them, probably via Facebook.
It's been a quiet afternoon; C felt quite tired after lunch so we just sat in the lounge, where he had a bit of a nap for a while. His sleep pattern is a bit weird right now - I keep trying to encourage him to rest when he feels tired but he resolutely tries to stick to a routine of some kind. He's been trying to hard today to stay upbeat and keep his head up - as I told him that if he keeps his head up he sees blue sky, trees and birds; looking down you just see feet and dirt!!! Much better with heads up - and talking of heads we now have an appointment to see the newly recruited psychologist at the Chemo Unit. I'm hoping this will prove really supportive and beneficial for C, and me to an extent; having someone to talk to who is objective and impartial. We have lovely lovely friends and family, and we do talk to them to a certain extent, but it's one hell of a burden to bear trying to support someone through cancer and not something either of us find it easy to expect of anyone else.
Tesco again this morning, where we bumped into an old friend of ours - in that she has been a friend for years, not that she's old - Jante, who used to live next door to us in Binstead. It's always nice to catch up with her and her hubby Jonathon (although he wasn't there today). We have a shared love of dogs, gardening and good food; she's an amazing cook and we've had several delicious meals, and lots of nice wine, at their place over the years. C always feels a bit anxious at meeting people however, as he fears getting upset when relating the news of his illness - I've told him that unless they ask about it specifically we just don't drop it into the conversation, and that seems to work. We don't want to talk about it all the time, every time we see someone we know, and really don't want to make a point of telling people who don't know; but if you ask, of course we'll tell you how things are. It's just not going to take over our lives if we can help it.
Talking of lives, it's really interesting when you find out how your kids feel about things, especially when you don't ask them directly; they mention it in a conversation, with their body language, facial expression, or the most favourite way - on Facebook!! Our three kids are all amazing individuals and we are justifiably proud of each of them, but they are all absolutely useless as discussing emotive issues. That's a Cole thing (which I think each natural born Cole will tell you) not from me - I can burst into tears and tell you the inside and out of an issue at the drop of a hat; I'm an open book, no secrets, what you see and hear is what I am. But they keep things to themselves, don't talk much (unless you apply thumbscrews and/or emotional blackmail, which I haven't tried yet) directly. Last night C went up to see Rom in her room, where she tends to chill out in the evenings. He just wanted a cuddle with his baby girl, a bit of closeness and comfort, and she did that for him with a big smile; and a few tears in the process, which tells you how scared she is for her daddy, but just can't say it. Same with her brothers - I don't want to sit them down and make them tell me how they feel and ask me questions; I want them to know they can though, any time, when they are ready. In the meantime I'll keep an eye on them, probably via Facebook.
It's been a quiet afternoon; C felt quite tired after lunch so we just sat in the lounge, where he had a bit of a nap for a while. His sleep pattern is a bit weird right now - I keep trying to encourage him to rest when he feels tired but he resolutely tries to stick to a routine of some kind. He's been trying to hard today to stay upbeat and keep his head up - as I told him that if he keeps his head up he sees blue sky, trees and birds; looking down you just see feet and dirt!!! Much better with heads up - and talking of heads we now have an appointment to see the newly recruited psychologist at the Chemo Unit. I'm hoping this will prove really supportive and beneficial for C, and me to an extent; having someone to talk to who is objective and impartial. We have lovely lovely friends and family, and we do talk to them to a certain extent, but it's one hell of a burden to bear trying to support someone through cancer and not something either of us find it easy to expect of anyone else.
Monday, 18 October 2010
D Days + 66 & 67 - Sunday 17 and Monday 18 October 2010 - Testing
I'm writing this on Monday evening; it's been a difficult couple of days after the events of Friday night - C is compounding the recovery of his blood pressure by worrying about the recovery of his blood pressure, so it's a vicious circle. Yesterday, Sunday, we decided he should take it easy to give it a chance to come down, but it wasn't easy staying indoors - we get a bit stir crazy and it seems a shame to waste the nice weather, but you do what you think you should. Unfortunately, not doing anything gives the mind time to wander and it was an emotional rollercoaster all day. His, and my, state of mind was not eased at all by the fact that he wasn't taking the cancer treatment - so it was like being back to square one, with all the worry and no action. Bren came round in the afternoon, having got himself worried by a phone call to his dad in the morning where C got upset...it's difficult to cope with when you've been used to your dad being the strong, dependable one your whole life, and Bren is no exception (the other two are the same). I'd lit the log fire in the afternoon - our cottage gets a bit chilly - so it was cosy in the sitting room, and they sat and watched TV together, but you could sense the unspoken concern. Rom and Dan came in late afternoon, and I took the dogs out for a breather (for me) and a run (for them). But the general atmosphere in the house was one of bated breath, waiting to see if the BP came down and whether C felt any better.
I don't think I mentioned that Rom went to a medium evening on Saturday - now by that I don't mean that it as middle sized or anything, but she went over to a famous house in Freshwater and took part in a gathering of spiritualists and mediums trying to contact ghosts. The house is supposed to be a hot spot for them. Sounded like she had an enjoyable night - she said she didn't get too scared and that it was very interesting - but as she didn't get to bed until 5am Sunday she was pooped by the time dinner was ready. I love the thought that there's an afterlife - it is reassuring the think that people we've loved and lost are there somewhere, watching us and protecting us. I don't have any belief whatsoever in God or Jesus or all that religious claptrap (only my opinion), but I do think everyone needs faith in something, and mine is that when you die you don't cease to exist, you just kind of move onto the next job...Must share something a bit naughty with you now too - when I sing with the choir, if we sing about Jesus Christ I sing 'Cheese's Crust' instead; it works when you're soprano as it's usually pitched high enough not to notice!!!!
And so to today - Monday. C and I were on tenterhooks as we had to ring the Chemo Suite and let them know what had happened Friday. Having spoken to them, and to Sonya, who both contacted C's oncologist, the upshot is that he needs to keep taking the anti-hypertension medicine, but restart taking the cancer treatment as well and see how things go. BP needs to be measured twice a day, and if it starts to rise again we need to contact Sonya and/or the Chemo Unit. Fingers crossed....
It's been a trial keeping his mood up; he gets very emotional about things and I sometimes have to get almost angry with him to buck him up. I have told him I will be there to give him the kick up the bum he needs, alongside the encouragement, nurtuing and medicating that it! But he knows deep down inside that the only person who can make any difference to his recovery is him, and that's a daunting prospect for anyone...he has done so amazingly well these last few months since the diagnosis that I have to allow him a blip - but just the one; can't let that little devil called Fear in to take over.....
I don't think I mentioned that Rom went to a medium evening on Saturday - now by that I don't mean that it as middle sized or anything, but she went over to a famous house in Freshwater and took part in a gathering of spiritualists and mediums trying to contact ghosts. The house is supposed to be a hot spot for them. Sounded like she had an enjoyable night - she said she didn't get too scared and that it was very interesting - but as she didn't get to bed until 5am Sunday she was pooped by the time dinner was ready. I love the thought that there's an afterlife - it is reassuring the think that people we've loved and lost are there somewhere, watching us and protecting us. I don't have any belief whatsoever in God or Jesus or all that religious claptrap (only my opinion), but I do think everyone needs faith in something, and mine is that when you die you don't cease to exist, you just kind of move onto the next job...Must share something a bit naughty with you now too - when I sing with the choir, if we sing about Jesus Christ I sing 'Cheese's Crust' instead; it works when you're soprano as it's usually pitched high enough not to notice!!!!
And so to today - Monday. C and I were on tenterhooks as we had to ring the Chemo Suite and let them know what had happened Friday. Having spoken to them, and to Sonya, who both contacted C's oncologist, the upshot is that he needs to keep taking the anti-hypertension medicine, but restart taking the cancer treatment as well and see how things go. BP needs to be measured twice a day, and if it starts to rise again we need to contact Sonya and/or the Chemo Unit. Fingers crossed....
It's been a trial keeping his mood up; he gets very emotional about things and I sometimes have to get almost angry with him to buck him up. I have told him I will be there to give him the kick up the bum he needs, alongside the encouragement, nurtuing and medicating that it! But he knows deep down inside that the only person who can make any difference to his recovery is him, and that's a daunting prospect for anyone...he has done so amazingly well these last few months since the diagnosis that I have to allow him a blip - but just the one; can't let that little devil called Fear in to take over.....
Saturday, 16 October 2010
D Day + 65: Saturday 16 October - Taking it Slowly (a.m.)
Good news!! C's blood pressure is down - still above what it should be, but much lower than yesterday. Huge relief for both of us. And this morning he took the first blood pressure tablet, along with the co-codamol - his cough seems to be less aggressive too, which helps him relax more. No cancer drug though, so no anti-sickness tablet - it's a whole new diet of medication at the moment.
Feeling a bit brighter we decided to go out after breakfast for a drive round. Went into Ryde to pay in some money for Rom from last night's party orders, and then over to Cowes for a coffee. We popped in to see Rom at work then over to Tiffins - highly recommended for their delicious yoghurt shakes, coffee and chocolate flavour this morning, but sadly as I am not a lover of ice cream the cold does tend to give me brain freeze...highly amusing to watch and nice for C to gloat as I always used to take the mickey out of him when he got 'ice cream eye'....aaaaarghhh!!!
The weather has been so amazing and autumnal this October it's actually a real pleasure to be out in it - the sun is still fairly warm, even though the breeze is chillier. Just lovely, and nice to think about having a log fire tonight and a glass of wine....
Feeling a bit brighter we decided to go out after breakfast for a drive round. Went into Ryde to pay in some money for Rom from last night's party orders, and then over to Cowes for a coffee. We popped in to see Rom at work then over to Tiffins - highly recommended for their delicious yoghurt shakes, coffee and chocolate flavour this morning, but sadly as I am not a lover of ice cream the cold does tend to give me brain freeze...highly amusing to watch and nice for C to gloat as I always used to take the mickey out of him when he got 'ice cream eye'....aaaaarghhh!!!
The weather has been so amazing and autumnal this October it's actually a real pleasure to be out in it - the sun is still fairly warm, even though the breeze is chillier. Just lovely, and nice to think about having a log fire tonight and a glass of wine....
Days 63 and 64: Thursday 14 October and Friday 15 October 2010: Downhill....
Sorry to have missed regular postings again - the end of the week went downhill a bit so it's taken me until now to get to sit down and post again. Picking up on the last posting, I nipped over to Nanny's to collect my piece of donk -and it was just as I remember as a child! Lovely...
My Donk
C has had a bit of a low spell the last couple of days. He's been feeling really tired, and his blood pressure, which we have to monitor daily, has been going up - a side effect of the anti-cancer drug. Thursday was okay - we took things easy, and although he's had restless nights he has managed to nap during the day to try and catch up. Rom and Chich were at home Thursday night while I went off to choir, as usual. We had another good rehearsal, and a bit of a challenge as some of us are taking on small group solos for the verses of Gaudete - which is all in Latin!! So finally the O level I took in Sixth Form has paid off....
Friday morning things started off okay - C's blood pressure, though up, wasn't too high. He phoned the Chemo Unit anyway and let them know, and they said we needed to keep a close eye on it and get back to them after the weekend with updated readings. Things took a downhill turn Friday afternoon however, when I took two readings (just to make sure) which were very much higher than the morning one...and so off to A&E we went, just to be on the safe side. Don't panic anyone - it's just a precaution, it doesn't mean anything drastic, we just need them to be aware of it!! So we went in and thankfully had the Red Carpet treatment due to the magic cancer emergency card we'd got from the Chemo staff!! Straight in to A&E, straight into a cubicle and the doctor - a very nice Spanish lady - came in and took bloods for testing. They have to check the platelets in C's blood due to the effect of the cancer drug - these went off asap and the results were back to say the readings were fine, the same as the previous set a few weeks ago. All that needed to be done was for him to have some tablets to help lower his blood pressure to more normal levels - which meant waiting for the on call pharmacist to make up the prescription. Worth mentioning too that the lovely senorita also gave C a nice 'happy' pill to relax him, and we got some of those for home too...might have to share those ones!!
And so three and a half hours later we got home - Romilly was doing me a Virgin Vie party, and as I wasn't there at the start she and the lovely Mrs Jones co-hosted and looked after the guests for me. It was so nice to know that they had everything under control and I could concentrate on sorting C out.
C went up to bed - he was shattered and still fairly dopey from the happy pill - and I had a couple of much wanted glasses of wine and a chin wag with the girls. And had a bit of commission to spend too, which was nice....thank you to Mags, Jan, Carol, Lu, Viv, Lora and Deb for making that happen.
Tomorrow C has to start taking the blood pressure tablet, but stop taking the anti cancer drug, until we can speak to the Chemo Unit on Monday - they seem to be the ones who are responsible overall for his care, so we need to liaise with them about Friday's events. They don't work weekends - shame cancer doesn't work like that too....
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
D Day + 62: Wednesday 13 October 2010 - Donk!!!!
The old adage 'Be careful what you wish for, it may come true' actually did!!! If you read yesterday's tri-blog, I mentioned my wonderful grandmother - Nanny - in it, and her amazing creation we all call 'donk'. Well guess what - she rang me this morning: "Hello darling, Nanny here - just to let you know that there is donk in the overn." YAY!!!! I am going over there tomorrow morning to collect some and generally gorge...and no I am not sharing it, with anyone.
C met up with some of his family at lunch time - his other sister, and nieces and great-niece - for lunch. It was a nice surprise for him to see them all, and from what he reported back they had a good old chinwag about everything. His niece-by-marriage, affectionately known as Little Nick, is undergoing similar treatment, so they could compare symptoms, reactions etc; I think C has felt a kind of kindred spirit in Nick, and she's always been such an upbeat, positive character it must have done him good. He returned all smiley and fondly remembering what they'd all talked about, with a tentative agreement to meet up again in a few weeks.
I meanwhile have been boring; well it may sound boring to you, but to me it's been a familarly content day with nothing too challenging on the cards. First job was to chase up what's going on with my beloved iphone. I have been without it for over a week and it has not been easy, especially when C has its big brother, the ipad, to play with! Having chased the repair company for info, they have informed me it has been despatched this afternoon by 'special delivery' and I should have it back tomorrow. Next thing I went and did the shopping - C usually does this with me, but his lunch engagement took priority so I took Monty (the Land Rover) to Tesco; he needed fuel, which I managed to deal with fine without looking like a bimbo who doesn't know how to handle such a meaty machine; then I did the shopping - once again, only a few bits I thought, and once again a full trolley and a credit card weighed down. Brilliant. I don't know why they don't just make money out of liquid so it can literally drip through my fingers....
I also have to confess that I am truly and deeply (and perhaps sadly) engrossed in a jigsaw puzzle...I know, I know, it's sad and what old ladies in care homes do, but they are a fascination for me and I can't help it. Say what you will, at least it's a fairly inoffensive obsession!! The only trouble is that the light in our dining room, where the puzzle reposes, is not brilliant and I have to do it in the morning when the light's good...trouble is the morning tends to drift into lunch time and then early afternoon before I realise it!
C had a doctor's appointment this afternoon; Sonya recommended it to discuss getting C referred for a chest x-ray as I told her I'm worried that his cough is getting worse. We actually saw our own GP, the one we've been registered with for over 20 years! Amazing. Anyhow he was fine about doing the referral, so now we have to go up to St Mary's for the x-ray somewhen; he also prescribed some more anti-sickness tablets as we're running low (I've made him take these anyway to prevent him feeling sick, no point waiting until he actually does before taking them) and some more co-codamo, which Dr Rogers has advised he takes four times a day as the codeine in them should help suppress the cough (saves having to prescribe a codeine linctus for the same thing). I think C felt a bit overwhelmed about how many drugs he has to take now - for someone who has barely been ill in his life, it's a bit of a shock to be on three types of drug daily - doses of one per day, three per day, and two four times a day. I feel a drug chart coming on......
C met up with some of his family at lunch time - his other sister, and nieces and great-niece - for lunch. It was a nice surprise for him to see them all, and from what he reported back they had a good old chinwag about everything. His niece-by-marriage, affectionately known as Little Nick, is undergoing similar treatment, so they could compare symptoms, reactions etc; I think C has felt a kind of kindred spirit in Nick, and she's always been such an upbeat, positive character it must have done him good. He returned all smiley and fondly remembering what they'd all talked about, with a tentative agreement to meet up again in a few weeks.
I meanwhile have been boring; well it may sound boring to you, but to me it's been a familarly content day with nothing too challenging on the cards. First job was to chase up what's going on with my beloved iphone. I have been without it for over a week and it has not been easy, especially when C has its big brother, the ipad, to play with! Having chased the repair company for info, they have informed me it has been despatched this afternoon by 'special delivery' and I should have it back tomorrow. Next thing I went and did the shopping - C usually does this with me, but his lunch engagement took priority so I took Monty (the Land Rover) to Tesco; he needed fuel, which I managed to deal with fine without looking like a bimbo who doesn't know how to handle such a meaty machine; then I did the shopping - once again, only a few bits I thought, and once again a full trolley and a credit card weighed down. Brilliant. I don't know why they don't just make money out of liquid so it can literally drip through my fingers....
I also have to confess that I am truly and deeply (and perhaps sadly) engrossed in a jigsaw puzzle...I know, I know, it's sad and what old ladies in care homes do, but they are a fascination for me and I can't help it. Say what you will, at least it's a fairly inoffensive obsession!! The only trouble is that the light in our dining room, where the puzzle reposes, is not brilliant and I have to do it in the morning when the light's good...trouble is the morning tends to drift into lunch time and then early afternoon before I realise it!
C had a doctor's appointment this afternoon; Sonya recommended it to discuss getting C referred for a chest x-ray as I told her I'm worried that his cough is getting worse. We actually saw our own GP, the one we've been registered with for over 20 years! Amazing. Anyhow he was fine about doing the referral, so now we have to go up to St Mary's for the x-ray somewhen; he also prescribed some more anti-sickness tablets as we're running low (I've made him take these anyway to prevent him feeling sick, no point waiting until he actually does before taking them) and some more co-codamo, which Dr Rogers has advised he takes four times a day as the codeine in them should help suppress the cough (saves having to prescribe a codeine linctus for the same thing). I think C felt a bit overwhelmed about how many drugs he has to take now - for someone who has barely been ill in his life, it's a bit of a shock to be on three types of drug daily - doses of one per day, three per day, and two four times a day. I feel a drug chart coming on......
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Just to Name and Praise...
Now we are this far into our story I wanted to name and praise quite a few people who have been amazing for keeping both C and me sane! In no particular order, thank you to:
- Our amazing kids, Bren, Chich and Romilly, and of course our soon to be daughter-in-law Gem
- Jill and Arth, C's sister and brother-in-law
- John and Siv, far away in Finland but whose thoughts are always with us
- Daniel Benjamin Storey for being such amazing support for Romilly, and for us
- Deb and Robin
- Shazza (x)
- Kealy, my sister
- Neil
- Allan
- Simon F
- Robert O and Barrie T for support and blog following
- Everyone in my admin section at Thompson House - Raquel, Kirstie, Chris, Erin, Issi, Olwen, Marion, Sof, Charlotte, Lindsey, Kay and last but not least, Lisa!!
- Sonya our Macmillan Nurse
- All my other colleagues at Thompson House
- All my amazing choir buddies - especially Tina, Ruth, Vicki, Rich, Hannah, Hayley, but everyone really
- And everyone who follows this blog - it's reassuring to know my waffle is not wasted and it's lovely to have your thoughts, best wishes and encouragement
D Days 59, 60 & 61: Sunday 10, Monday 11, Tuesday 12 October 2010 - Sievehead!!!!
Three days in one go - the days all merge into one at the moment so it's difficult to remember what I did when, and I've decided to give up trying to remember!! Basically our days consist of getting up, getting C to eat, doing something to keep us upbeat, and then relaxing and hoping we manage to get a good night's sleep. Apologies to those of you who follow regularly - I hope you don't feel cheated!! And don't panic if I don't blog every day - I'll try and catch up.
Our weekend was nice and peaceful - the October weather has been amazing and I've managed to catch up with tidying the garden; C enjoys being in the sunshine, as he is starting to feel the cold more every now and then (he's commandeered my fleece gilet as an emergency wrap up against the chill). I'm also starting to get to grips with regular cooking again, something I'd got out of due to working late etc. Good in some ways (regular home cooked, healthy meals), bad in others (I'm the one doing the cooking!!). It is a challenge to know what to give C to eat, as the tablets are now starting to affect his taste buds - if something doesn't have a strong flavour to start with it now tastes of cardboard (although as far as I'm aware he's never eaten cardboard so not sure how valid the comparison is) plus if it's too hot he can't tuck in straight away. Wees are also affected, changing colour (sorry, but it's true) - just waiting to see what happens with his hair.....One week in and so far it's been okay, nothing too drastic, but it is early days yet and we are still bracing ourselves for side effects.
C went off to have breakfast with Neil at Briddlesford again (told you this would become a habit) so Romilly and I went to Newport to do some shopping, by which I mean she needed some shirts for college, but we managed to browse for other things and squeeze in lunch and a coffee. It was lovely spending a few hours with my girly, doing girly things. I love the fact that although she's 18 now, she still acts like a toddler every now and then, and I get to be mummy!
We had a lovely roast dinner on Sunday evening; Daniel was over and he always relishes them, plus as there was some of Nanny's apple pie up for grabs it was even better!! Nanny is amazing - she's my grandmother, my mum's mum, 81 years old and as sprightly and active as someone 20 years her junior. She's been the backbone of my family since I lost my lovely mum, and is always there for a cuddle and a cup of tea. She's also a very hip and trendy grandmother (and let's not forget she's a great-grandmother of nine as well) who is into Facebook and emailing jokes. Amazing. And she makes amazing apple pies as well, and cakes; I always remember as a child, whenever I stayed at Nanny's house there was always supper (fruit cocktail and Dream Topping in posh glass dishes) and cakes for snacks, kept in a three-tier plastic box in the kitchen. My most favourite was what we all call Donk; a kind of cross between cake and pudding, full of sultanas and topped with brown sugar...haven't had that for years (hint). As a kind of weird coincidence C has known Nanny for years too - in fact she introduced me to him!! Nanny worked at the same garage that C did, both were there for years, and I got a job at their Sandown branch where C was manager. And the rest, as they say, is history....
C's struggled lately with The Cough - he's had this cough for two years now, and it now appears to be linked to the cancer, as there are small spots of it in his right lung; unfortunately this was never picked up before. It's been an ongoing issue for him and has not gone away; somehow it seems more relevant now though - before it was just annoying, now it's part of his illness and is just upsetting. Having spoken to Sonya again, she recommends seeing our GP and getting him to refer C for a chest scan...bit of a roundabout way of doing it maybe but there you go; plus, if it is due to the cancer, what exactly can they do that they're not already? We can't quite identify what triggers it either - he doesn't cough ALL the time, something sets it off. He does the slow breathing technique I've been drumming into him, which helps to relax him, but the cough is still there, lurking, like a big beastie in the dark....
...a bit like a black elephant, which leads me to the question of The Elephant in the Room - what if the worst happens? It's something we don't want to contemplate, acknowledge or discuss, but we have touched on it lately. I am firmly of the opinion that if you don't 'put it out there' it won't happen, so talking about something so awful is a big no no for me. But we did talk about it a little, and somehow it seemed to lift the shadow and we both felt better, maybe because now we can ignore it again - it's been acknowledged, now put it back in the box and close the lid firmly on it. C is not going anywhere anytime soon - full stop. And if I were religious I'd say Amen to that.....
Our weekend was nice and peaceful - the October weather has been amazing and I've managed to catch up with tidying the garden; C enjoys being in the sunshine, as he is starting to feel the cold more every now and then (he's commandeered my fleece gilet as an emergency wrap up against the chill). I'm also starting to get to grips with regular cooking again, something I'd got out of due to working late etc. Good in some ways (regular home cooked, healthy meals), bad in others (I'm the one doing the cooking!!). It is a challenge to know what to give C to eat, as the tablets are now starting to affect his taste buds - if something doesn't have a strong flavour to start with it now tastes of cardboard (although as far as I'm aware he's never eaten cardboard so not sure how valid the comparison is) plus if it's too hot he can't tuck in straight away. Wees are also affected, changing colour (sorry, but it's true) - just waiting to see what happens with his hair.....One week in and so far it's been okay, nothing too drastic, but it is early days yet and we are still bracing ourselves for side effects.
C went off to have breakfast with Neil at Briddlesford again (told you this would become a habit) so Romilly and I went to Newport to do some shopping, by which I mean she needed some shirts for college, but we managed to browse for other things and squeeze in lunch and a coffee. It was lovely spending a few hours with my girly, doing girly things. I love the fact that although she's 18 now, she still acts like a toddler every now and then, and I get to be mummy!
We had a lovely roast dinner on Sunday evening; Daniel was over and he always relishes them, plus as there was some of Nanny's apple pie up for grabs it was even better!! Nanny is amazing - she's my grandmother, my mum's mum, 81 years old and as sprightly and active as someone 20 years her junior. She's been the backbone of my family since I lost my lovely mum, and is always there for a cuddle and a cup of tea. She's also a very hip and trendy grandmother (and let's not forget she's a great-grandmother of nine as well) who is into Facebook and emailing jokes. Amazing. And she makes amazing apple pies as well, and cakes; I always remember as a child, whenever I stayed at Nanny's house there was always supper (fruit cocktail and Dream Topping in posh glass dishes) and cakes for snacks, kept in a three-tier plastic box in the kitchen. My most favourite was what we all call Donk; a kind of cross between cake and pudding, full of sultanas and topped with brown sugar...haven't had that for years (hint). As a kind of weird coincidence C has known Nanny for years too - in fact she introduced me to him!! Nanny worked at the same garage that C did, both were there for years, and I got a job at their Sandown branch where C was manager. And the rest, as they say, is history....
C's struggled lately with The Cough - he's had this cough for two years now, and it now appears to be linked to the cancer, as there are small spots of it in his right lung; unfortunately this was never picked up before. It's been an ongoing issue for him and has not gone away; somehow it seems more relevant now though - before it was just annoying, now it's part of his illness and is just upsetting. Having spoken to Sonya again, she recommends seeing our GP and getting him to refer C for a chest scan...bit of a roundabout way of doing it maybe but there you go; plus, if it is due to the cancer, what exactly can they do that they're not already? We can't quite identify what triggers it either - he doesn't cough ALL the time, something sets it off. He does the slow breathing technique I've been drumming into him, which helps to relax him, but the cough is still there, lurking, like a big beastie in the dark....
...a bit like a black elephant, which leads me to the question of The Elephant in the Room - what if the worst happens? It's something we don't want to contemplate, acknowledge or discuss, but we have touched on it lately. I am firmly of the opinion that if you don't 'put it out there' it won't happen, so talking about something so awful is a big no no for me. But we did talk about it a little, and somehow it seemed to lift the shadow and we both felt better, maybe because now we can ignore it again - it's been acknowledged, now put it back in the box and close the lid firmly on it. C is not going anywhere anytime soon - full stop. And if I were religious I'd say Amen to that.....
Sunday, 10 October 2010
D Day + 58: Saturday 9 October 2010 - Dans le Jardin
Oh there were bats in my belfry this morning! Didn't realise I'd had that much...then realised I hadn't, but also hadn't had dinner either so that explains it. Really, it does. Really.
So it took a while to get going this morning...more so than usual. Just as I was starting to think about doing something Deb and Robin arrived, so of course I had to put the kettle on and make more tea and talk to them; result!! We also tucked into the apple pie Nanny had sent over; C didn't wince, well not too much anyway...
Deb and Robin are talking about getting an allotment to grow some veggies...and further discussion has resulted in us agreeing to do this together - in Chickoland!!! It will take a bit of clearing, but Robin has a mate with a rotivator, and between the three of us, with C supervising and planning it out, it should be fine. There's even a chance we may get some chickens too, so it will be The Good Life, Brading Version! C went up armed with tape measure and planned out the area to use so we can decide what to put where. It will be really good to use that bit of land for something useful!!
Primed with the thought of being outdoors, I spend the afternoon doing the garden. The lawns all needed mowing again, all three of them, so I did that first as it puffs me out. The worst bit really is doing the PCP beforehand (that's Pooh Clearing Patrol to you) as it is extremely unpleasant to be mowing and have to upend the Flymo to wipe off the, well, doo!! Frustratingly Charlie then decided that the lawn was now too denuded of his presence and christened it once again....I trimmed part of the hedge, pruned a bay tree, a lavender bush, swept the patio - none of which is overly strenuous, but what does wear you out is the constant barrowing of debris up to the top of the garden to the compost heap! I suppose that it's good practice though for when the veggies need tending; I'll be up and down like a yoyo even more then...
Of course the upshot of such activity was that I was absolutely knackered. After a hot bath I could barely manage to lift a gin and tonic to my lips and all plans for the Saturday night viewing were abandoned - C went up around 8pm, and I managed to last out until 9.30 before giving in and hitting the pillow. Ironically it took me ages to get to sleep; you'd think being that shattered would mean you drift off to slumberland without a care, but not the case! What doesn't help is the Sky cable which runs down the wall past our bedroom window is a bit loose, and with just the right amount of wind it taps gently against the sill outside. Another job we keep meaning to get round to, but as neither of us is good up a ladder it has been put off and put off - a bit like replacing the back door, which is now almost impossible to open and shut, although the new one should arrive any day now so that will be a relief. I should make a list of jobs we need to do, but quite frankly the thought scares me - who is going to do them? I can take on the housework, the garden, some decorating etc, but things that involve electrical tools are beyond my capability, and C's at the moment. If only I had a little spare handyman somewhere...
So it took a while to get going this morning...more so than usual. Just as I was starting to think about doing something Deb and Robin arrived, so of course I had to put the kettle on and make more tea and talk to them; result!! We also tucked into the apple pie Nanny had sent over; C didn't wince, well not too much anyway...
Deb and Robin are talking about getting an allotment to grow some veggies...and further discussion has resulted in us agreeing to do this together - in Chickoland!!! It will take a bit of clearing, but Robin has a mate with a rotivator, and between the three of us, with C supervising and planning it out, it should be fine. There's even a chance we may get some chickens too, so it will be The Good Life, Brading Version! C went up armed with tape measure and planned out the area to use so we can decide what to put where. It will be really good to use that bit of land for something useful!!
Primed with the thought of being outdoors, I spend the afternoon doing the garden. The lawns all needed mowing again, all three of them, so I did that first as it puffs me out. The worst bit really is doing the PCP beforehand (that's Pooh Clearing Patrol to you) as it is extremely unpleasant to be mowing and have to upend the Flymo to wipe off the, well, doo!! Frustratingly Charlie then decided that the lawn was now too denuded of his presence and christened it once again....I trimmed part of the hedge, pruned a bay tree, a lavender bush, swept the patio - none of which is overly strenuous, but what does wear you out is the constant barrowing of debris up to the top of the garden to the compost heap! I suppose that it's good practice though for when the veggies need tending; I'll be up and down like a yoyo even more then...
Of course the upshot of such activity was that I was absolutely knackered. After a hot bath I could barely manage to lift a gin and tonic to my lips and all plans for the Saturday night viewing were abandoned - C went up around 8pm, and I managed to last out until 9.30 before giving in and hitting the pillow. Ironically it took me ages to get to sleep; you'd think being that shattered would mean you drift off to slumberland without a care, but not the case! What doesn't help is the Sky cable which runs down the wall past our bedroom window is a bit loose, and with just the right amount of wind it taps gently against the sill outside. Another job we keep meaning to get round to, but as neither of us is good up a ladder it has been put off and put off - a bit like replacing the back door, which is now almost impossible to open and shut, although the new one should arrive any day now so that will be a relief. I should make a list of jobs we need to do, but quite frankly the thought scares me - who is going to do them? I can take on the housework, the garden, some decorating etc, but things that involve electrical tools are beyond my capability, and C's at the moment. If only I had a little spare handyman somewhere...
D Day + 57: Friday 8 October 2010 - Outings
Apologies - I've got behind again!! There has been a lot going on so I haven't been as up to date as I'd like; note to self - must do better!!
Today was a day for get-togethers - as Big Brother Chris was still on the Island I went over to collect him from Carol's house; on arriving I found them both ensconced on the sofa with cups of tea, the detritus of online genealogy (their laptops) surrounding them!! They had apparently spent the previous evening, on in each corner of the sofa, doing their family history research like a pair of geeks!!! Carol's friend Lou arrived while I was there - she's Swedish but has live here for ages, having married one of Carol's friends back in the 70s. I haven't seen her in ages so it was nice to chat again.
Took Chris back to ours, and we went out for lunch - C suggested The Sloop, by which he means The Folly, so we headed off; it's a lovely place to have lunch, as I've mentioned before, right on the river and the food is amazing - it's just a bit of a trial getting there as the road down to it is very very potholed!! Fine when I had my jeep, but in an ordinary car it's a bit bumpy! I am loving my new car though; she's very nippy and wonderfully cheap to run compared to poor old Gregory - plus she has a good CD player which I am now using, sadly you may think, to practise some of the John Rutter carols we are doing for the Christmas concert. There have been many Thursdays lately when I have driven to Newport and back again over the Downs trilling merrily along to the Shepherd's Pipe Carol (known affectionately in choir as, you guessed it, the Shepherd's Pie Carol).
Chris and I took the dogs up on Culver and it was nice to catch up with each others' news - he knows what it's like to be the partner of someone who is seriously ill, as his girlfriend has sadly been in ill health for quite a long time. We have a lot in common, which is lovely considering we've been apart for the last 43 and a half years; it's such a shame that one of the strongest bonds we have is because of the suffering of our partners, we'd both wish it different for their sakes. Time came too soon again to drop him to the train station for his return to the mainland.
I spent the evening out with some friends from choir - they've been such a boost for me, especially over the last few weeks, and it's lovely to go out and talk properly together; we usually have to squeeze in quick 'Hello, how are you?'-s during the beginning/interval/end at choir rehearsals every Thursday! My lovely daughter was my lift home, and for Vicki too, so we had a lovely few drinkypoos at the pub, there was background music, and we laughed a lot too - a really really relaxing evening, which fortified me again for my day to day existence. If any of you read this - thank you !! x
My evening out meant that C was alone; it's not easy for me to leave him on his own (Romilly was out too) and I do worry that he will sit and brood. However he found some footie to watch on TV which seemed to have kept him occupied, and as he gets tired easily he had a fairly early night again. Rom and I got back to find him stretched out in bed, half covered, with Sidney snuggled in - he has lost some weight (C, not Sidney) and when he's asleep he looks peaceful, but vulnerable, and although we can wrap him in the duvet at night to keep him safe and warm, we wish it was as easy to do the rest of the time....
Today was a day for get-togethers - as Big Brother Chris was still on the Island I went over to collect him from Carol's house; on arriving I found them both ensconced on the sofa with cups of tea, the detritus of online genealogy (their laptops) surrounding them!! They had apparently spent the previous evening, on in each corner of the sofa, doing their family history research like a pair of geeks!!! Carol's friend Lou arrived while I was there - she's Swedish but has live here for ages, having married one of Carol's friends back in the 70s. I haven't seen her in ages so it was nice to chat again.
Took Chris back to ours, and we went out for lunch - C suggested The Sloop, by which he means The Folly, so we headed off; it's a lovely place to have lunch, as I've mentioned before, right on the river and the food is amazing - it's just a bit of a trial getting there as the road down to it is very very potholed!! Fine when I had my jeep, but in an ordinary car it's a bit bumpy! I am loving my new car though; she's very nippy and wonderfully cheap to run compared to poor old Gregory - plus she has a good CD player which I am now using, sadly you may think, to practise some of the John Rutter carols we are doing for the Christmas concert. There have been many Thursdays lately when I have driven to Newport and back again over the Downs trilling merrily along to the Shepherd's Pipe Carol (known affectionately in choir as, you guessed it, the Shepherd's Pie Carol).
Chris and I took the dogs up on Culver and it was nice to catch up with each others' news - he knows what it's like to be the partner of someone who is seriously ill, as his girlfriend has sadly been in ill health for quite a long time. We have a lot in common, which is lovely considering we've been apart for the last 43 and a half years; it's such a shame that one of the strongest bonds we have is because of the suffering of our partners, we'd both wish it different for their sakes. Time came too soon again to drop him to the train station for his return to the mainland.
I spent the evening out with some friends from choir - they've been such a boost for me, especially over the last few weeks, and it's lovely to go out and talk properly together; we usually have to squeeze in quick 'Hello, how are you?'-s during the beginning/interval/end at choir rehearsals every Thursday! My lovely daughter was my lift home, and for Vicki too, so we had a lovely few drinkypoos at the pub, there was background music, and we laughed a lot too - a really really relaxing evening, which fortified me again for my day to day existence. If any of you read this - thank you !! x
My evening out meant that C was alone; it's not easy for me to leave him on his own (Romilly was out too) and I do worry that he will sit and brood. However he found some footie to watch on TV which seemed to have kept him occupied, and as he gets tired easily he had a fairly early night again. Rom and I got back to find him stretched out in bed, half covered, with Sidney snuggled in - he has lost some weight (C, not Sidney) and when he's asleep he looks peaceful, but vulnerable, and although we can wrap him in the duvet at night to keep him safe and warm, we wish it was as easy to do the rest of the time....
Friday, 8 October 2010
D Day + 56: Thursday 7 October 2010 - En Famille Encore
I saw my big brother, Chris, today. He is down visiting for a couple of days. Some of you may be wondering how and when I managed to acquire an older brother, me having been the eldest for most of my life. Well in a nutshell, mum had a baby when she was 18 and her father made her give the baby up for adoption; after his adoptive father died in May 2009 Chris decided to try and trace his birth family, registered on Ancestry (the online genealogy site) to start the family tree, which threw up matches with mine and my aunt Carol's, and bingo - he had a contact. We met up for the first time ever on 20 December last year and it's been a whirlwind ever since!! He lives on the mainland but gets down to see us about every six weeks or so, and we're still catching up. Kealy and I also managed to track down his natural father, who now lives in France, and presented Chris with those details for his 45th birthday in May this year - they've been in touch, have met up when Chris went to France, and that all seems to be going well too. What a story - I've told Chris he has to write a book about it one day!! And he also now has a very impressive collection of surnames.....
Anyhow, C and I, along with Kealy and Toby, went over to Carol's house where Chris is staying, for a couple of hours catch up etc. Carol's house is lovely - she has a big open plan area downstairs where people just tend to arrive and gather; it has a lovely atmosphere and you always feel welcome. It's easy to sit there all day nattering!! It was also nice for C to get out again and see other family, as we haven't done much of that lately. He seemed to cope really well and was quite upbeat again; then home for a flop on the sofa!! Afternoon naps, how cosy, I must get into those...
Tonight was choir again - we're cracking on with the Christmas repertoire and it seems to be going well. Good job really, because it isn't that many rehearsals until the concert on 13 December (got your tickets yet??), which will creep up in no time! We've got quite a few other things to do as well before then, which means brushing up on three other repertoires before performing them. Busy busy busy....
Anyhow, C and I, along with Kealy and Toby, went over to Carol's house where Chris is staying, for a couple of hours catch up etc. Carol's house is lovely - she has a big open plan area downstairs where people just tend to arrive and gather; it has a lovely atmosphere and you always feel welcome. It's easy to sit there all day nattering!! It was also nice for C to get out again and see other family, as we haven't done much of that lately. He seemed to cope really well and was quite upbeat again; then home for a flop on the sofa!! Afternoon naps, how cosy, I must get into those...
Tonight was choir again - we're cracking on with the Christmas repertoire and it seems to be going well. Good job really, because it isn't that many rehearsals until the concert on 13 December (got your tickets yet??), which will creep up in no time! We've got quite a few other things to do as well before then, which means brushing up on three other repertoires before performing them. Busy busy busy....
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
D Day + 55: Wednesday 6 October 2010 - Reminiscences
I've been remembering things today; not run of the mill 'Oh crap I've forgotten to...' things, but memories of days past, mostly linked to Romilly, me and C. I don't know if this is because summer is at an end and we're into autumn, or because my perspective on life has changed since C was diagnosed, or because I've spent so much time at home recently that I've had a chance to let my mind wander. Or all three. But anyhow, memories of the past keep coming back and making me smile, if somewhat sadly at times. Because when think back you realise how much has changed and how much you've lost - now I'm not getting all morbid and morose here, not wishing things were the same or that they're worse now (although in some cases they clearly are worse). For instance, the span of my daughter's life - how she is now compared to how I remember her being at different stages; for some reason when I bring her to mind she's always about 4 or 5, with white blonde, unruly, curly hair and a cheeky smile, just finding her confidence; I can hear how her voice sounded then - whether she was laughing, whining or being bossy!!! And how grown up she has always been, and how proud of her I am. In my job I am aware of so many children who have problems which are plainly and simply down to the fact that their parents can't be bothered with them - I am so proud that Romilly has turned out as a mature, confident, independent, assertive, beautiful young woman, and that C and I have helped to make her that way. I'm also aware that right now, deep inside, she is frightened for her daddy, and trying not to show it. Even though she's 18 I still wish I could wrap her in cotton wool sometimes...like right now.
Anyhow...we had a nice day today, helped again by the fabulous autumn weather. We took a trip to Firestone Copse to walk the dogs - it's a nice flat walk which C could manage quite well - and to collect pine cones. I haven't done this for years, but used to a lot when Romilly was little - she used to get so excited as spotting them, for the first half dozen anyway, and when they cracked open at home as they got warm it was such a source of amusement! Having got round the one mile forest walk we unpacked the Land Rover and sat in the sunshine to have lunch. I'd brought proper nammet - for those of you who aren't caulkhead, I'll explain what this is: Nammet is an Isle of Wight term, derived from the words 'no meat' which related to the lunch that working chaps used to eat, consisting of bread, cheese and onion (old style 'ploughman's lunch' if you like) but no meat - they had that in the evening. So nammet we had - bread, cheese, pickled onion, tomato, and a large tin mug full of hot tea made on the amazingly useful mini gas stove C bought a while ago. We even have a proper old kettle! It was all delicious, and the sun was warm on our backs, and it was peaceful...proper nice nammet nipper. We even broke out the new tin mug Jill had bought for C for just such an occasion...
Anyhow...we had a nice day today, helped again by the fabulous autumn weather. We took a trip to Firestone Copse to walk the dogs - it's a nice flat walk which C could manage quite well - and to collect pine cones. I haven't done this for years, but used to a lot when Romilly was little - she used to get so excited as spotting them, for the first half dozen anyway, and when they cracked open at home as they got warm it was such a source of amusement! Having got round the one mile forest walk we unpacked the Land Rover and sat in the sunshine to have lunch. I'd brought proper nammet - for those of you who aren't caulkhead, I'll explain what this is: Nammet is an Isle of Wight term, derived from the words 'no meat' which related to the lunch that working chaps used to eat, consisting of bread, cheese and onion (old style 'ploughman's lunch' if you like) but no meat - they had that in the evening. So nammet we had - bread, cheese, pickled onion, tomato, and a large tin mug full of hot tea made on the amazingly useful mini gas stove C bought a while ago. We even have a proper old kettle! It was all delicious, and the sun was warm on our backs, and it was peaceful...proper nice nammet nipper. We even broke out the new tin mug Jill had bought for C for just such an occasion...
C with The Mug, nammet, and snazzy gas stove and kettle
The Mug has the slogan 'Keep Calm and Carry On' emblazoned on it - something to use as a mantra as Jill has suggested; bloody good idea.
Once home C got a call from a former colleague of his - Robert - who was over on the Island and rang to see if he could drop in. It was lovely to see him again (haven't seen him for years!) and he and C spent a couple of hours nattering and catching up. It really did C good - I've said this before, it's so nice for him to see other people and talk about normal things!! Romilly and I left them to it and spent a pleasant and highly amusing hour going through a country cottages brochure, doing accents depending on where in the country the cottages were...which got a bit silly as we couldn't drop the Welsh accent after a while to all the cottages after that were described in the 'voice of the valleys' despite being in Cornwall, Devon etc. Much mirth!!!! There are three standard phrases for the Welsh accent (according to my Dad): "Look you isn't it", "Whose coat is this jacket" and one I will not relate here as it's a bit iffy. We also managed the words 'cracking' and 'lovely' in fairly passable Tom Jones.
It's early evening now and we've settled down in the lounge; casserole's in the oven, and I need to get some logs in and open some more wine (there is a lot of that going on at the moment - wine I mean). It's nice to be up to date; memory is so unreliable (and clearly in the past right now anyway) that at least I know I've got today right.
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
D Day + 54: Tuesday 5 October 2010 - The War Begins
Now we're all equipped with our anti-cancer drug, it was time to launch The Weapon. After a full breakfast (while I can still manage to get him to eat it) C was ready to take the first of his 28 day drugs - plus an anti sickness tablet to be on the safe side. I took it out of the packet and had a good talk to it: "Now look mate, your job is to get inside my husband, find that bastard cancer and kick its ass big time; I don't care how you do it, just do it quick, do it hard and don't mess up. We don't have another option, we're pinning our hopes on you sunshine, now go to it." And C swallowed the tablet; something inside me lit up like a Christmas tree - after all these weeks of waiting we finally had the means at our disposal to fight back against this cancer instead of hanging in limbo. When he swallowed that tablet it was like a victory - I know we have a long way to go, but at last we are waging war on this cancer and it felt DAMN GOOD!!! The good thing is that he hasn't had any side effects today, apart from what he's been going through anyway, which is getting tired quite quickly.
So off we went to do the Tesco shop again (it's Tuesday then, right?) which went well and was under £100 for a change. It does frustrate C that he can't lift the heavy shopping bags though; he worries that people will see me lugging them around and think he's mean - I counter that by saying I am not a wimpy woman and have these arm muscles for a reason, plus it's good exercise!!! And also of course if I'm lugging them down from the car, he can start putting the shopping away...score!!!
After lunch he was quite tired; he needed a toes up so went and had a power nap on the sofa while I caught up with emails and the like. Once up and about we packed the tea making kit and took the dogs over to The Duver, a nice flat walk that C could manage. Sidney was mental - I didn't get to take him out yesterday and boy was he ADHD on speed; never stopped running about and even did the fetching-a-stick thing which he doesn't normally do; I even got him in the water without a problem!! We opened the hut up and I made tea, and we'd brought fruit cake; we sat outside the hut with a mug of tea and slice of cake like a couple of old dears!!! People walking past do seem quite envious though...it is lovely to sit there and watch the world go by.
Home again and time to flake; C's mate Allan (got another mention there mate) rang up for a chat and some advice about difficult customers, many of which C dealt with in his time at the dealership. It's nice that he feels he can still be useful, it's something he struggles with as he doesn't have a lot to do these days, and Al always manages to cheer him up (thank you xxx).
Healthy dinner tonight, well for C anyway - salmon, rice and vegetables. I was quite happy with potatoes (Kettle Chips) and grapes (chardonnay) and crap TV - I've discovered this new series called Wedding House where couples sign up for a speedy wedding of their dreams. I love seeing how people like to get married, especially when it's something a bit different.
Romilly's out tonight, staying at Daniel's. C has gone to bed now - he's quite tired and I've managed to convince him finally that his old routine has to go and he must listen to what his body tells him about when he needs to rest; not an easy thing to accept when he's such a creature of habit.
And I'm typing the blog - as up to date as I've been for a while. It's been a challenge these last couple of weeks to keep up to date; I tend to forget what I did the day before so it's a team effort to remember, so it's a bonus to be able to do this now. Someone said to me recently that I must be doing okay as the blog always sounds so cheerful and positive - well I am okay, but the blog is only a snapshot of my day and there are lots of times when I don't put in what I'm feeling or what I've done. It's difficult to be really honest about things when you know your kids and family read what you type, so it is edited to a degree. This story is really about C, and that's how I want to play it. My part is minimal really, a supporting role if you like, C is the star. And I think you'd agree, if you knew how he'd been these last seven weeks, that he truly is a star.
Night night.
So off we went to do the Tesco shop again (it's Tuesday then, right?) which went well and was under £100 for a change. It does frustrate C that he can't lift the heavy shopping bags though; he worries that people will see me lugging them around and think he's mean - I counter that by saying I am not a wimpy woman and have these arm muscles for a reason, plus it's good exercise!!! And also of course if I'm lugging them down from the car, he can start putting the shopping away...score!!!
After lunch he was quite tired; he needed a toes up so went and had a power nap on the sofa while I caught up with emails and the like. Once up and about we packed the tea making kit and took the dogs over to The Duver, a nice flat walk that C could manage. Sidney was mental - I didn't get to take him out yesterday and boy was he ADHD on speed; never stopped running about and even did the fetching-a-stick thing which he doesn't normally do; I even got him in the water without a problem!! We opened the hut up and I made tea, and we'd brought fruit cake; we sat outside the hut with a mug of tea and slice of cake like a couple of old dears!!! People walking past do seem quite envious though...it is lovely to sit there and watch the world go by.
Home again and time to flake; C's mate Allan (got another mention there mate) rang up for a chat and some advice about difficult customers, many of which C dealt with in his time at the dealership. It's nice that he feels he can still be useful, it's something he struggles with as he doesn't have a lot to do these days, and Al always manages to cheer him up (thank you xxx).
Healthy dinner tonight, well for C anyway - salmon, rice and vegetables. I was quite happy with potatoes (Kettle Chips) and grapes (chardonnay) and crap TV - I've discovered this new series called Wedding House where couples sign up for a speedy wedding of their dreams. I love seeing how people like to get married, especially when it's something a bit different.
Romilly's out tonight, staying at Daniel's. C has gone to bed now - he's quite tired and I've managed to convince him finally that his old routine has to go and he must listen to what his body tells him about when he needs to rest; not an easy thing to accept when he's such a creature of habit.
And I'm typing the blog - as up to date as I've been for a while. It's been a challenge these last couple of weeks to keep up to date; I tend to forget what I did the day before so it's a team effort to remember, so it's a bonus to be able to do this now. Someone said to me recently that I must be doing okay as the blog always sounds so cheerful and positive - well I am okay, but the blog is only a snapshot of my day and there are lots of times when I don't put in what I'm feeling or what I've done. It's difficult to be really honest about things when you know your kids and family read what you type, so it is edited to a degree. This story is really about C, and that's how I want to play it. My part is minimal really, a supporting role if you like, C is the star. And I think you'd agree, if you knew how he'd been these last seven weeks, that he truly is a star.
Night night.
D Day + 53: Monday 4 October 2010 - Acquiring 'The Weapon'
I've been in my current job eleven years today. I realised this this morning. I have a thing for dates sticking in my mind. It's been an interesting thought, and so much has changed along the way, but I am still very lucky in that I have amazing, friendly, supportive colleagues where I work and I am grateful on a daily basis for that. I also have ex-colleagues with whom I keep in touch and they have become good friends too - can't have enough of those at the moment.
Getting through the morning proved a bit of a challenge, knowing we had the appointment at the Chemo Unit at 2.30. Thankfully the golf started early, so C had something to focus on and take his mind off worrying - although he had had a bit of a down spell first thing (I think a pattern's emerging here; mornings are when he feels at his most vulnerable and emotionally fragile). We also spent a bit of time getting the veg and stuff ready for dinner - as I hadn't done a roast yesterday I was planning to get it ready for them today as Rom was in and Daniel was coming over. It's also a good opportunity to get more decent food into C, which I know is going to get more difficult over the next few months. As both of us were doing veg, it meant that one of us had to use the new peeler I bought at Ikea a while ago - now I am left handed, and cope admirably with the peeler we already have; unfortunately for me it's a dual handed peeler so it's fine for C to use as well, which meant that it was a race to the utensil drawer to see who 'drew the short straw' for the new one - it was me. There then ensued a quarter of an hour of trying to manoeuvre this peeler around some spuds - not a very satisfying activity for me as it ended up with me 'flaking' bits of peel off instead of doing it in a nice spiral as I usually do...mental note for next time: either get to the drawer first or get someone else to do the peeling!!
It was not easy leaving the house to go to the hospital, purely because the Ryder Cup was getting so nail-bitingly tense that we both wanted to watch it! We knew we'd miss the end of it so even having it on the car radio on the way was frustrating. We'd decided to get there early as the parking is a nightmare, especially in the afternoons as visiting time starts at 2.30 and our appointment was at, yep you guessed it, 2.30. We were very jammy however as someone was reversing out of a parking space just as I turned into the car park, so into the space I sailed and felt very smug watching other cars arriving and driving round the car park getting more frustrated. We managed to drag ourselves away from the golf on the radio, and went to get a cup of tea in the restaurant - I made the mistake of deciding to have a sandwich, as I hadn't had any lunch. The packet said it was egg and cress, it looked like egg and cress, but sadly that is where its relationship to egg and cress ceased - it tasted of nothing; I would have enjoyed eating the packet more. I have to admire the talent that sandwich maker has of creating the illusion of an egg and cress sandwich and managing to remove any semblance of flavour. Thank goodness the tea was okay!
We went off on time to find the Chemo Unit, which I am now going to affectionately call the Purple Palace - it's a lovely place, all clean and bright and airy, with comfy chairs (C promptly plonked himself in a mauve Laz-e-boy and started adjusting the seat position) a television discreetly in the background and windows all around. It almost felt like going into someone's new-build lounge, if you half closed one eye and ignored the electric IV pumps. Lovely place - it felt very calming and relaxed, which is how you want to feel, bearing in mind what you're there for. We were given a cup of tea and offered a nice posh biscuit, then met with one of the nurses there, who explained about the drug treatment and went through possible side effects etc, something they have to do so you're aware, although it's unlikely C will get all of them, and hopefully won't get any! She took all his information again (I swear we've done this three times already, but hey) and then gave us the drugs - he has the biotherapy drug, aka The Weapon, some anti-sickness medication and also some special mouth wash as mouth ulcers are a common side effect and this can help alleviate them. She also recommended that we monitor C's blood pressure daily so we went off and bought a machine to do that. We've also got what I call the 'Get Into A&E Free' card, which means that if C has any side effects of symptoms at night or over the weekend he can be seen as a priority case in A&E. Amazing how many doors this cancer can open....
Romilly was home when we got back, so we went through the whole thing with her so she knows what each drug is for and what we need to be aware of. We also tested out the blood pressure machine, which is a weird experience; that cuff gets really tight on your arm!!! We now have everything for C's treatment in a special box, including the diary we need to keep, and start tomorrow.
I was putting the finishing touches to the roast dinner when our lovely friend Deb appeared at the back door. She kept saying 'special delivery', which was nice as she is special (but it was a bit unusual for her to call herself that)...and when I turned around she was carrying a box of stuff. She said that she'd been asked to bring it in by my line manager at work - it was a box full of goodies for all of us, which my fantastically kind colleagues at work had put together; I burst into tears!!! I couldn't quite comprehend that they were so worried and concerned about me and my family that they'd do that, it was so touching and so amazingly generous that I went to bits (how wet, and there was me thinking I was holding it together - I collapse at the sight of such a lovely gift!). There was wine, chocolate, biscuits, popcorn, posh crisps and some DVDs - so so generous of them all and I can't thank them enough for such a wonderful surprise.
And so I had to leave all this activity (leaving Romilly to serve up and hope the dinner was okay and they didn't eat all the goodies from the box before I got back!) and go off to my choir sectional. Sopranos' turn tonight - the screechy lot - in Cowes. It's a really good boost for me to go to choir, even more so now. I also have wonderful friends in the choir, and when we all get together and sing it lifts the spirits like nothing else can. We worked hard on some difficult bits of the songs we're doing for Christmas and made some good progress; we are thrown a bit when we don't have the tune (which sopranos tend to have being the upper range of the choir) so it's extra frustrating!! We are so spoilt usually with lovely easy bits to sing! The two hours went by so fast; can't wait 'til Thursday now.
Home again and C was out for the count - he's been through the mill today emotionally, thinking about tomorrow when he starts taking the tablets. Bring it on....
Getting through the morning proved a bit of a challenge, knowing we had the appointment at the Chemo Unit at 2.30. Thankfully the golf started early, so C had something to focus on and take his mind off worrying - although he had had a bit of a down spell first thing (I think a pattern's emerging here; mornings are when he feels at his most vulnerable and emotionally fragile). We also spent a bit of time getting the veg and stuff ready for dinner - as I hadn't done a roast yesterday I was planning to get it ready for them today as Rom was in and Daniel was coming over. It's also a good opportunity to get more decent food into C, which I know is going to get more difficult over the next few months. As both of us were doing veg, it meant that one of us had to use the new peeler I bought at Ikea a while ago - now I am left handed, and cope admirably with the peeler we already have; unfortunately for me it's a dual handed peeler so it's fine for C to use as well, which meant that it was a race to the utensil drawer to see who 'drew the short straw' for the new one - it was me. There then ensued a quarter of an hour of trying to manoeuvre this peeler around some spuds - not a very satisfying activity for me as it ended up with me 'flaking' bits of peel off instead of doing it in a nice spiral as I usually do...mental note for next time: either get to the drawer first or get someone else to do the peeling!!
It was not easy leaving the house to go to the hospital, purely because the Ryder Cup was getting so nail-bitingly tense that we both wanted to watch it! We knew we'd miss the end of it so even having it on the car radio on the way was frustrating. We'd decided to get there early as the parking is a nightmare, especially in the afternoons as visiting time starts at 2.30 and our appointment was at, yep you guessed it, 2.30. We were very jammy however as someone was reversing out of a parking space just as I turned into the car park, so into the space I sailed and felt very smug watching other cars arriving and driving round the car park getting more frustrated. We managed to drag ourselves away from the golf on the radio, and went to get a cup of tea in the restaurant - I made the mistake of deciding to have a sandwich, as I hadn't had any lunch. The packet said it was egg and cress, it looked like egg and cress, but sadly that is where its relationship to egg and cress ceased - it tasted of nothing; I would have enjoyed eating the packet more. I have to admire the talent that sandwich maker has of creating the illusion of an egg and cress sandwich and managing to remove any semblance of flavour. Thank goodness the tea was okay!
We went off on time to find the Chemo Unit, which I am now going to affectionately call the Purple Palace - it's a lovely place, all clean and bright and airy, with comfy chairs (C promptly plonked himself in a mauve Laz-e-boy and started adjusting the seat position) a television discreetly in the background and windows all around. It almost felt like going into someone's new-build lounge, if you half closed one eye and ignored the electric IV pumps. Lovely place - it felt very calming and relaxed, which is how you want to feel, bearing in mind what you're there for. We were given a cup of tea and offered a nice posh biscuit, then met with one of the nurses there, who explained about the drug treatment and went through possible side effects etc, something they have to do so you're aware, although it's unlikely C will get all of them, and hopefully won't get any! She took all his information again (I swear we've done this three times already, but hey) and then gave us the drugs - he has the biotherapy drug, aka The Weapon, some anti-sickness medication and also some special mouth wash as mouth ulcers are a common side effect and this can help alleviate them. She also recommended that we monitor C's blood pressure daily so we went off and bought a machine to do that. We've also got what I call the 'Get Into A&E Free' card, which means that if C has any side effects of symptoms at night or over the weekend he can be seen as a priority case in A&E. Amazing how many doors this cancer can open....
Romilly was home when we got back, so we went through the whole thing with her so she knows what each drug is for and what we need to be aware of. We also tested out the blood pressure machine, which is a weird experience; that cuff gets really tight on your arm!!! We now have everything for C's treatment in a special box, including the diary we need to keep, and start tomorrow.
I was putting the finishing touches to the roast dinner when our lovely friend Deb appeared at the back door. She kept saying 'special delivery', which was nice as she is special (but it was a bit unusual for her to call herself that)...and when I turned around she was carrying a box of stuff. She said that she'd been asked to bring it in by my line manager at work - it was a box full of goodies for all of us, which my fantastically kind colleagues at work had put together; I burst into tears!!! I couldn't quite comprehend that they were so worried and concerned about me and my family that they'd do that, it was so touching and so amazingly generous that I went to bits (how wet, and there was me thinking I was holding it together - I collapse at the sight of such a lovely gift!). There was wine, chocolate, biscuits, popcorn, posh crisps and some DVDs - so so generous of them all and I can't thank them enough for such a wonderful surprise.
And so I had to leave all this activity (leaving Romilly to serve up and hope the dinner was okay and they didn't eat all the goodies from the box before I got back!) and go off to my choir sectional. Sopranos' turn tonight - the screechy lot - in Cowes. It's a really good boost for me to go to choir, even more so now. I also have wonderful friends in the choir, and when we all get together and sing it lifts the spirits like nothing else can. We worked hard on some difficult bits of the songs we're doing for Christmas and made some good progress; we are thrown a bit when we don't have the tune (which sopranos tend to have being the upper range of the choir) so it's extra frustrating!! We are so spoilt usually with lovely easy bits to sing! The two hours went by so fast; can't wait 'til Thursday now.
Home again and C was out for the count - he's been through the mill today emotionally, thinking about tomorrow when he starts taking the tablets. Bring it on....
Monday, 4 October 2010
D Day + 52: Sunday 3 October 2010 - Golf, Tears and a little bit of Choir
By the time I woke up this morning C had been up for a few hours; he didn't have a great night, and was awake around 6am. This meant he'd had time to dwell, in the quiet hours of the early morning, on his illness without anyone to talk to or cheer him up. I'm afraid this failing of mine to be able to get up in the mornings is proving a worry for me, as it means he's alone; and right now that's not a good thing. I made more tea/coffee and we sat in bed having a chat and cheer up, and he felt better by the time he went off to meet his mate Neil for breakfast.
Neil has been a pal of C's for years - they got to know each other through the car trade, and when No 1 worked at Esplanade a few years ago - and have been golf partners too. They've stayed in touch, and I know that Neil is a real boost for C and sees him most weekends. This is great for C - man talk, or waffle if you like, about things other than cancer. By the time he got back he was feeling much more upbeat and perky. They'd had breakfast at Briddlesford Farm - something I think will become a regular thing.....
The Ryder Cup was back on by early afternoon, so we sat and watched it - I have to confess to getting quite involved in it, which is unusual for me and I don't really do sport. But there was something about beating the Americans that was so appealing I wanted to watch it unfold! I think I found a favourite in Miguel Angel Jimenez - perhaps it was his calm demeanour and cheeky smile, perhaps it was that he has curly hair; who knows? Anyhow it was nice to sit with C and watch this, have him explain things to me (like the term 'dormy' which I think is akin in terms of being understood by women as the offside rule is in football). He's been quite cheerful this afternoon, which is lovely to see; we've discovered that the discomfort he sometimes experiences can be resolved by sitting more upright, so he decided to forgo the slumpy comfort of the sofa for his director's chair - problem solved, even Sidney seemed to approve!
Tonight was the long awaited viewing of the DVD of the choir tour to Brittany - we had planned to watch it back in September but there were technical problems getting it done, which thankfully Kieron (the choir pin up) had managed to resolve. The result was an hour and three quarters of wonderful memories, laughs, out takes we'd forgotten about and some fairly dodgy impressions by some members of others...to be worked out at our leisure. It was great to see everyone again, laugh together, feel proud and realise the enthusiasm for another tour - in 2012 though, to give us enough time to plan!! At the end of the evening I'd offered to take home (not with me I hasten to add, but to their homes) three of the chaps from choir - this meant a round trip from Newport, to Ryde, then via Ventnor back home to Brading. A fairly long trip perhaps, but it was worth it to hear them talking about stuff - I don't get to chat with them very often so it was nice to have that time. And I felt good for doing a good deed - but Saint Karen I ain't!!!!
Neil has been a pal of C's for years - they got to know each other through the car trade, and when No 1 worked at Esplanade a few years ago - and have been golf partners too. They've stayed in touch, and I know that Neil is a real boost for C and sees him most weekends. This is great for C - man talk, or waffle if you like, about things other than cancer. By the time he got back he was feeling much more upbeat and perky. They'd had breakfast at Briddlesford Farm - something I think will become a regular thing.....
The Ryder Cup was back on by early afternoon, so we sat and watched it - I have to confess to getting quite involved in it, which is unusual for me and I don't really do sport. But there was something about beating the Americans that was so appealing I wanted to watch it unfold! I think I found a favourite in Miguel Angel Jimenez - perhaps it was his calm demeanour and cheeky smile, perhaps it was that he has curly hair; who knows? Anyhow it was nice to sit with C and watch this, have him explain things to me (like the term 'dormy' which I think is akin in terms of being understood by women as the offside rule is in football). He's been quite cheerful this afternoon, which is lovely to see; we've discovered that the discomfort he sometimes experiences can be resolved by sitting more upright, so he decided to forgo the slumpy comfort of the sofa for his director's chair - problem solved, even Sidney seemed to approve!
Sunday, 3 October 2010
D Day + 51: Saturday 2 October 2010 - Stir Crazy
Oh how I hate housework. Hate it. But the down side to living in an old house is that it has a tendency to retain dust everywhere, and breeds its own cobwebs. And once you start lighting an open fire it just gets worse. So after a week's worth of horrible weather and being cooped up indoors I really had to get to grips with dusting and vaccuuming. Ick. Meantime, while I'm slaving away at home, C went off to see Jill - this is a total role reversal as he always did the housework and I was the one that went out!!! He came back armed with fresh carrots from Jill's garden, another book to read, and a tin mug she'd bought for our Land Rover picnics - very aptly emblazoned with 'Keep Calm and Carry On.' Which is exactly what we're trying to do!!
Progress with my iphone is slow - still no life in it really, which I am struggling to understand as the damn thing didn't even get that wet, it wasn't totally immersed, just in a dampish coat pocket. So why the hell it is struggling to get going is beyond me, and C, which is frustrating him big time. Another reminder of how you get used to something, only to be threatened with losing it - the story of my life right now! We're trawling the internet forums for tips, and keep trying them, so I hope we strike lucky; if not it looks like I'm going to have to shell out for a replacement, which is not good right now with finances having to be scrupulously watched. Ho hum.
C made lunch today - he did try to get out of it with the pathetic excuse that he doesn't know how to cook rice; this did not work and I told him in no uncertain terms that someone like him, who used to run a company, cannot get away with transparent attempts to evade making lunch. So he got on with it, and made lunch, and it was very nice. Hah. Gotta watch him...
With the weather being iffy again there isn't an awful lot we can do - you really don't feel like going out, but sitting around indoors makes you a little stir crazy, and there have been a few days like that this week already. I took the dogs out again, and as the Ryder Cup was back on again C sat and watched that. I guess we might have been a bit on edge as well because Romilly was on the mainland and on her way back, so we were waiting to hear that she'd got back safely. Which she did. Another quiet evening in then, punctuated with peaks and troughs of trying to get my iphone working - it's now back to life, but needs to be restored and won't complete when connected to itunes. Bugger. I think there's more of a problem with it than just getting damp...apparently the error message 1002 it keeps showing is something to do with a hardware problem, and it didn't get that from sitting in my coat pocket.
Progress with my iphone is slow - still no life in it really, which I am struggling to understand as the damn thing didn't even get that wet, it wasn't totally immersed, just in a dampish coat pocket. So why the hell it is struggling to get going is beyond me, and C, which is frustrating him big time. Another reminder of how you get used to something, only to be threatened with losing it - the story of my life right now! We're trawling the internet forums for tips, and keep trying them, so I hope we strike lucky; if not it looks like I'm going to have to shell out for a replacement, which is not good right now with finances having to be scrupulously watched. Ho hum.
C made lunch today - he did try to get out of it with the pathetic excuse that he doesn't know how to cook rice; this did not work and I told him in no uncertain terms that someone like him, who used to run a company, cannot get away with transparent attempts to evade making lunch. So he got on with it, and made lunch, and it was very nice. Hah. Gotta watch him...
With the weather being iffy again there isn't an awful lot we can do - you really don't feel like going out, but sitting around indoors makes you a little stir crazy, and there have been a few days like that this week already. I took the dogs out again, and as the Ryder Cup was back on again C sat and watched that. I guess we might have been a bit on edge as well because Romilly was on the mainland and on her way back, so we were waiting to hear that she'd got back safely. Which she did. Another quiet evening in then, punctuated with peaks and troughs of trying to get my iphone working - it's now back to life, but needs to be restored and won't complete when connected to itunes. Bugger. I think there's more of a problem with it than just getting damp...apparently the error message 1002 it keeps showing is something to do with a hardware problem, and it didn't get that from sitting in my coat pocket.
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