Today the first impact of C's illness hit home - I'm going to have to do some housework. Now bear with me; since C's been semi retired he's taken on the mundane, day to day upkeep of our old cottage. I haven't laid hand on the vaccuum cleaner or duster for many a year, and frankly he does a very good job. But the effort of pushing the vaccuum cleaner (I'm resisting the temptation to call it a Hoover because it isn't; it's a Vax) was quite overhwelming for me, and I think I'd rather sign up for an entire week's ironing, thanks very much. I did get through it, but it wasn't fun; I have no idea what the state of the house is going to be like without C's ample administrations...we'll have to wait and see.
It's been a strange day for me; knowing that this is my last day of leave until December is difficult to accept, considering what we're going to be going through in the next few months. It started iffy, with more drizzle and cloud and frankly a pretty crappy August day, again. Having had a 'hearty' breakfast we then descended into a kind of despondency as the weather was not remotely motivating and the tendency was to curl up in a ball and blank it out. Thankfully Bren and Gem (No 1 + fiancee) arrived to take the mutts out for a scamper, so that broke time up. When they arrived back with hyper mutts our neighbour Marc (who used to work with C at Bembridge) also popped round for a cup of tea and chat. It's nice to have a room full of people and I hope it continues this way!
Once the visitors had gone it was a waiting game until my dad, Gordy, arrived. He comes over most Sundays, but for some reason does not acknowledge the current situation and merrily goes on as if nothing was different - which his lovely in some way, but frustrating in others. Chich (No 2) was here too, so that always helps to dispel the difficulty, and thankfully Romilly (No 3) also arrived in time for dinner. Amen.
I had another look at the choir summer concert DVD tonight in the hopes that my dad would look and think how gutted he was to have missed it. Predictably though he showed no emotion whatsoever at me singing my heart out, so it seems like a lost cause.
I'm due back at work tomorrow morning; please excuse the shortness of this blog, but frankly I am dreading it. I cannot comprehend anything akin to my former life, so being back at work seems like a complete and utter travesty of normal life. Fate only knows how I'm going to deal with this one now, when it was enough of a chore to be there before, and now that I have this huge cancer thing hanging over us it's not going to be any easier. Still, I know that the lovely bouncy Roger has his last day tomorrow, so it will be nice at least to see him before he goes.
We had a nice 'winter' dinner tonight; beef stew, jacket potatoes and veg, plus I made a crumble. Comfort food methinks. I know at this precise moment that I've had way too much wine than is good for a 'school night'; add to this the fact that I've watched the choir's summer concert DVD and realised how much I miss it, and you can see why I'm wishing time away (or not). I've also been nagging No 2 to join the choir - he's a lovely chap and love singing (which he admits) but I'm not sure he's okay with joining a choir (perhaps not cool enough??!!) I hope he does because I think he would be an absolute bonus for us. Watch this space...
C has struggled a bit today - I've tried to keep him upbeat but am worried that his illness is starting to make itself felt. Hopefully he will be okay when I'm away tomorrow and the rest of the week, but I have to be honest and say I am very reluctant to leave him right now, given his fragile emotional state....
We'll see.
The blog is excellent just as it is. You need this outlet to convey your feelings and to allow your friends to understand what life is like day to day for you and C right now. I for one am grateful for the diary. It keeps me close to you in a way I could otherwise not have. As for returning to work - see how today was and ask yourself tonight 'did I benefit from being there today or would I have been happier at home ? Where would C prefer me to be ? ' I cannot pull rank on you anymore but as I said to you, if I was still your manager I would be telling you to get signed off - where and how you spend your time during the next few months is going to be very important. Somehow I think work may need to come second place - let me know if I am wrong.............. xxxxx
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