I think for the first time since D Day, I've spent quite a lot of time thinking about our situation and how we are going to fare in the weeks and months ahead. This came home to me big time when I was walking the dogs (Sidney - mad chocolate Patterdale, you know, C's Skidney, and Charlie the very placid, ploddy Westie with bad eyesight and not much of a handle on things, he's my 'himbo' dog) on Culver Down, where I tend to go quite a lot with them as (a) it's up high, (b) there aren't many trees and (c) there are a lot of ups and downs to test my leg muscles. I crossed over the top to see Sandown Bay, and as I walked along I could see a Brittany Ferry coming in; I realised that a week earlier, I was on that ferry, looking across to the Island and talking to a friend about how I walk the dogs on that down etc etc. And realisation hit that at that point I had NO idea what was ahead for us other than what I thought life was going to bring. And here we are a week later......
I'd left C watching the football with Dan and Rom (C has splashed out and subscribed to some sports channel on Sky so that he can watch the games, a good preparation for times when he can't do much except stare at the TV). I have to confess to a slight, very mild, panic attack up on that Down at that point as, having reflected on what life had been like the previous week, it slammed home that things will be very different. I expect I drew quite a few weird looks from passers by - Ipod plugged in and walking along at a fair pace with tears streaming down my face!
We have had some fantastic news today though - No 1 son, the eldest offspring, proposed to his girlfriend today on her 30th birthday, for which he'd taken her to Brighton for the day in an Audi convertible. She said yes, thankfully!, and there is now the prospect of a wedding in hopefully the not too distant future. We shall all be very proud for Gem and Bren's wedding, and obviously gives C something to aim to be well for (whenever they plan for it to happen). Life certainly is a rollercoaster....
I made dinner tonight, Romilly's childhood favourite meal that, if ever asked what she wanted to eat, she would undoubtedly ask for - egg fried rice, with garlic salt to sprinkle on it. It's years since we had garlic salt in the house and the smell brought back to many memories - what is it about scent that kick starts your memory? I did manage to sneak some veggies in there, which didn't go unnoticed.
So we are at the end of another day. We should find out tomorrow when C is to have his MRI scan. At the moment we seem to be in a state of ignorant capability - knowing what is wrong but not how we are to deal with it - which will come to an end once dates and times are allotted. I can somehow feel the remnants of what I thought was a normal life slowly and sneakily slipping away from me, to be replaced with a series of appointments, assessments, medication...Somehow it still hasn't hit me that this is my life, our life, now. And someone else will be in control while I try to maintain some sort of routine with work, shopping, cooking, dog walking, eating, sleeping.....with no idea of when the end of it all will be, or indeed what it will be.
I've asked friends on Facebook to let me know what song they would put on an Ipod if it was the last one they could...it will be interesting to see what they suggest, and why. I have to confess to being a little afraid that, over time, the reliance I place on friends for support, sustenance, reassurance etc will wain, as it will no doubt do in some cases. The thought of doing all this alone is scary - although C knows that I will not let him down while we are going through this. Who will be there for me, day in day out, remains to be seen.
Close of another day - another glass of wine beckons, while C watches Top Gear on the Ipad and the garden grows dark but filled with the sound of grasshoppers (or should we call them cicadas as it's so balmy out there?). And so we go on.....
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