Trying to organise getting the three kids together at the same time, in the same place, without panicking them was no easy feat - they are all switched on and know that something isn't right, so it was going to be a battle! They had to come first though, be told together, and given the chance to ask us about what is happening and, as a family, be upset together. Romilly, the youngest and the only daughter (a perfect 50/50 cross between C and I, although I would tend to say she's more Cole than Wheeler....especially when there are other Coles around....) got home first and demanded to know why she had been summoned home and had to change her plans. It was tricky trying to stay 'normal' (though quite what that means for me I don't know, I'd hate to be labelled as normal) and not tell her until her brothers arrived - she does like to know things and will keep on until she finds out. She's always been good at this, working on the premise that if she badgers someone enough they will tell her what she wants to know as it's easier to get her off your back than keep telling her no; however C and I have developed enough tenacity over the last 18 years (or 17 I suppose, since she started talking) to keep batting her back!!!! The boys - Bren and Chich (C's sons, my stepsons, aged 31 and 29 respectively) duly arrived and we all sat round the table - they all knew something was up as this does not usually happen without there being a large meal involved. We explained what had happened, what would happen next to the best of our knowledge, and let them 'have their head' to cry, ask questions, or sit in stunned silence (they mainly did the latter). That said, it was obvious from the way they reacted that those kids are going to be a boundless source of support for their Dad, and me to an extent; they are and always have been amazing kids to us and will manage to keep us on track when the way ahead gets rather 'wobbly'.
After this we decided to go out for dinner anyway - we weren't going to but from the outset we've decided that life must and will go on and everything that we can do we will. It was a nice meal; Dad always loves to be 'mein host' and tells everyone to order what they want - he still hasn't got to grips with the fact that I don't drink as much as I used to and ordered a whole bottle of wine for me; I took three quarters of it home in my bag.
Oh Karen, I am so sorry for you all...this is news that no-one ever wants to hear and I wish you weren't going through it.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think I'd have some words of wisdom by now, 10 months after my own diagnosis, but there isn't anything I can say that will make it better. Waiting is hard - waiting for scans, waiting for results, waiting for the phonecall from the Mac nurse - because all we want is to KNOW. Know what can be done, how it's going to happen, what the results will be. And with cancer there is no KNOWING, not really. All the statistics in the world don't mean a thing, because each person's cancer is so different.
Sometimes I think that it's been harder for my family to deal with than for me...I can have the treatment, I can submit to surgery - they just have to sit there and hold my hand through it and hope that it works. Look after yourself and the kids, and remember that you are all allowed to have 'wobbly' moments (you can't avoid them). Let yourselves get angry, feel upset, shout and scream, and then have a hug and carry on.
I won't say 'stay positive' because that's the one thing that really annoys me when people say it to me. Of course you want to stay positive, and of course you will hope for the best. But it's ok not to, and that's what your friends are here for. We are all here for you whenever you need us.
When I was first diagnosed, I put my life on hold while I got on with what was supposed to be 6 months of treatment....now I realise that as well as fighting cancer, you have to live with it. So keep having those family dinners, do all the things you have already planned, keep going as normal as much as possible.
There is no control with cancer, no choice about what happens. The only control we have is how we face it, and our only choice is to accept that this is what the universe has sent - and then fight it as hard as we bloody well can.
Thinking of you all
Kate xx
Keep your chin up mate !!!!
ReplyDeleteWe have our fingers crossed for you all today, and send all our best wishes.
There are many avenues to explore, so dont despair. Will send more.
Jo & Nicky