I didn't go in to work today. I deliberated the options that I had been made aware of by my line manager; ummed and ahhed, thought, considered, reasoned. And stayed at home. It wasn't an easy decision; I am not one of these people who are prepared to work the system when it isn't in my favour - but having weighed things up in my mind I came to the conclusion that I can do far more good being at home right now than sitting at my desk with not very much to do. I knew that I am going to need to be around for C after his operation, during his recovery, while he's having immunotherapy etc; but I couldn't get out of my head the thought that all this, while very very necessary, would be when he is actually physically ill and unable to go out or do very much. I want, and need, to spend time with him while he is still this C, the C that comes out for lunch, walks the dogs with me, comes to the hut with me, does the shopping with me, goes for drives with me and generally is able to live a normal life. And we'll both need to be able to remember this time in the weeks and months ahead when it will seem like a different life again.
He's been tired today; we're not sure why. But he has struggled and looked a bit 'peaky' at times. I don't think this is due to a shopping trip to Morrisons, though I could understand if it was because it was quite an experience for both of us - completely out of our comfort zone there!! I have to confess to a small flutter of panic that this cancer is starting to affect him physically now - he's felt cold to touch sometimes too, which is completely not like him at all; he was always like a radiator. I hope I'm wrong, and that it was just an off day...
I met up with our choir director, Hannah, today - we haven't had much of a chance to catch up recently so it was good to talk, and weirdly to discuss the running order for the Christmas concert; I can hear the howls of "What? But it's only August!" Believe you me, when you are trying to organise a show, and then arrange to train 60+ singers (most of whom don't read music and learn by ear, like me!) Christmas suddenly seems a whole lot nearer! It was nice to be out and about, meeting someone and talking about normal stuff; Hannah also has a very nice way of putting things she wants to say - she'd say she always says the wrong thing, but she doesn't, she says what she feels, and as I respect her enormously given what she's been through herself, I don't take offence. She's kind of an inspiration to me...but don't tell her that!
Our lovely friend Deb came round tonight (her daughter Lucy comes up to do my hair colour) and spent quite a while ensconced with C discussing the merits of (a) his iPad and (b) her new phone which, she readily admits, 'frightens' her!!! It's been a while since I saw Deb - even though we work in the same building she's often out and about - and it's always nice to catch up. She and C have an amusing relationship - they tease each other with innuendo, up to a certain point, and then both get scared and blush/laugh/get embarrassed. Highly entertaining to watch...!!!!
C had a really lovely email from a former colleague, Barrie, who lives in Spain - his news has travelled far and wide! It's given him a real boost, not just because Barrie has taken the time and effort to email him, but also to realise the serious health problems Barrie himself has been through, and conquered, recently. We both wish him a continued recovery and huge thanks for getting in touch.
Hannah, aforementioned choir director, quite rightly said that we must try not to let our lives be taken over by this cancer, and when she's had problems she's found it helps to have a plan to focus on...sounds like a good idea, and I hope that before long we can do that; however right now just getting through the days compos mentis is enough, but I will hold that thought and work to it before too long, I hope.
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