So having spent last evening meeting up with old school friends and catching up on the last 25 years plus (which is not easy when there are five of you and only three or four hours available; add in the amount of alcohol involved and you can imagine how off track that conversation kept going) it was back home feeling shattered to find C a little lost on his own. He admitted to feeling a bit down and bless him said that he knows I can't be here 24/7, but it was tough. I had had doubts about going out, but as we have decided to be as normal as possible I went ahead, slightly guiltily; it wasn't easy to leave him for the evening, but as everything is in a state of "suck it and see" I guess that's how we'll have to play things.
Suffice it to say that last night's reminiscences may well have contributed to the realisation of what we're in the middle hitting home big time when I woke up this morning. C was the same, slightly teary and emotional, thoughts on both parts of how heavy this situation is on us and how drastically life has to change - regrets on things that weren't said or done, things that might have been, missed opportunities and the chances that have now possibly slipped irrevocably past us. Any plans for life ahead must now be put on hold as we brace ourselves to deal with this damned cancer; not an easy thing to come to terms with.
Slipping into a normal, mundance, home-based routine seems to have settled us for now - those daily things you moan about that need doing hold a soothing pattern today; having been a confirmed ironing atheist all my life it's strange to accept that just pressing creases out of clean fabric can help clear the mind of other things.
Jill, C's eldest sister, arrived on the doorstep this morning; she's fiercely supportive and caring of us all, and this situation with her baby brother has unsettled her more than I've ever seen - I think she's been holding off visiting for the past couple of days, which can't have been easy as I'm sure her first instinct was to get over here immediately she knew what was going on. Kettle on, tea made, we sat round and had a chat about stuff, tear free on this occasion, but it's difficult to have any idea of how anyone can help when we don't know what C is facing in the immediate future - only after Thursday's consultant appointment will that be any clearer; I've never been very patient, and this waiting game is frankly driving me nuts.
Little things are starting to sound a chord; I have been doing laundry and the smell of the new washing powder seems to register majorly, as does the feel of the wind in the garden and the peace out there with just the sparrows twittering away. I feel like I'm walking through a dream at the moment, almost as if I'm sitting on someone else's shoulder watching her life pan out in front of me; where I can tilt my head to one side and say "Oh dear, how sad" because it's not really happening to us......that's where the regret for the life we thought we'd have hits home and those things that went before D Day seem part of a different time.
So that's this morning - I've had so many texts and Facebook messages about this blog, and generally it seems to be accepted as a positive thing; it's really quite heartening when people you know, even if only slightly, are following this and sending love, thoughts and prayers (ick, even though I don't do those) to us. Although I have admitted to feeling lost right now, I realise that there are people out there for us and when the time comes to call for support I'm sure they will be there...I'm just not sure what we'll need to ask for, and that is the crux of it - I am an ORGANISED person who PLANS things and LIKES TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON...this is not where I'm comfortable!
On another lighter note, Romilly got the vaccuum cleaner out and cleaned the downstairs carpets; this has not happened for quite some time and threw me a little...however if this is going to be a regular occurrence I might have to introduce her to polish, the iron and even perhaps, fate forbid, the supermarket trolley......
No comments:
Post a Comment