We had a bad night last night; nothing drastic, just restless and uncomfortable. C has taken to talking in his sleep, and I don't mean just mumbling nonsense, actual clearly understandable one-sided conversation - and I end up waking up and answering him because it sounds like he's talking to me!! But he's asleep...he thinks it's his anxieties coming out while his brain is relaxed, I think he could be right. So we woke up a few times in the night, and by the time it was really wake up time I felt shattered - a bit like "Oh I didn't hear that steamroller drive over me in the night and press all my limbs into the mattress where they've stuck like chewing gum to a hot pavement." That kind of feeling. Once I'd peeled myself off the mattress I had to do a quick get-dressed turn as today is BIN DAY - and I take the bin bags out now; plus it was recycling day so that box had to go out; if you ever fancy a giggle early on a Tuesday morning, do pop along our road about 8am and you will see a manic, frizzy-blond-haired muppet strategically depositing several black bin bags outside the house; every second week she'll lug a box of empty wine bottles out there too for extra entertainment - it's even more amusing in the rain....
Tesco again this morning, where we bumped into an old friend of ours - in that she has been a friend for years, not that she's old - Jante, who used to live next door to us in Binstead. It's always nice to catch up with her and her hubby Jonathon (although he wasn't there today). We have a shared love of dogs, gardening and good food; she's an amazing cook and we've had several delicious meals, and lots of nice wine, at their place over the years. C always feels a bit anxious at meeting people however, as he fears getting upset when relating the news of his illness - I've told him that unless they ask about it specifically we just don't drop it into the conversation, and that seems to work. We don't want to talk about it all the time, every time we see someone we know, and really don't want to make a point of telling people who don't know; but if you ask, of course we'll tell you how things are. It's just not going to take over our lives if we can help it.
Talking of lives, it's really interesting when you find out how your kids feel about things, especially when you don't ask them directly; they mention it in a conversation, with their body language, facial expression, or the most favourite way - on Facebook!! Our three kids are all amazing individuals and we are justifiably proud of each of them, but they are all absolutely useless as discussing emotive issues. That's a Cole thing (which I think each natural born Cole will tell you) not from me - I can burst into tears and tell you the inside and out of an issue at the drop of a hat; I'm an open book, no secrets, what you see and hear is what I am. But they keep things to themselves, don't talk much (unless you apply thumbscrews and/or emotional blackmail, which I haven't tried yet) directly. Last night C went up to see Rom in her room, where she tends to chill out in the evenings. He just wanted a cuddle with his baby girl, a bit of closeness and comfort, and she did that for him with a big smile; and a few tears in the process, which tells you how scared she is for her daddy, but just can't say it. Same with her brothers - I don't want to sit them down and make them tell me how they feel and ask me questions; I want them to know they can though, any time, when they are ready. In the meantime I'll keep an eye on them, probably via Facebook.
It's been a quiet afternoon; C felt quite tired after lunch so we just sat in the lounge, where he had a bit of a nap for a while. His sleep pattern is a bit weird right now - I keep trying to encourage him to rest when he feels tired but he resolutely tries to stick to a routine of some kind. He's been trying to hard today to stay upbeat and keep his head up - as I told him that if he keeps his head up he sees blue sky, trees and birds; looking down you just see feet and dirt!!! Much better with heads up - and talking of heads we now have an appointment to see the newly recruited psychologist at the Chemo Unit. I'm hoping this will prove really supportive and beneficial for C, and me to an extent; having someone to talk to who is objective and impartial. We have lovely lovely friends and family, and we do talk to them to a certain extent, but it's one hell of a burden to bear trying to support someone through cancer and not something either of us find it easy to expect of anyone else.
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