D Days + 76, 77, 78, 79, 80: Wednesday 27 to Sunday 31 October 2010 - Stuck

It's Halloween.  I realise that I haven't blogged since last Tuesday, and apologise to anyone who follows the blog regularly for not having done so.  Truth is that I'm not sure how interesting the blog can be right now, as one day merges into the next in a routine of waking up late, dishing out the drugs, finding things to do, thinking about what to eat, what to watch on TV and what time to go to bed.  Each day is more or less the same, punctuated all to infrequently by other things such as trips out, visitors etc etc.  You get the picture.  It appears that this cancer has taken over our lives in a way that I couldn't have predicted - it's made us fearful or unmotivated to do things any differently.  A vicious cycle of repetitive routine.  I have many friends who have told me to ring them, email them, text them, when I get fed up and want to meet up for coffee/lunch/drinks/dinner, but truth is that I am not, and never have been, any good at asking for help, in anything.  And I supposed that I've taken on this role of caring for C so readily (as I believe I should) that it's difficult to know where or how to slot in anyone or anything else.  If you ask me if I'd like to meet up I'll jump at the chance, and so would C with his friends, but we neither of us are the ones who can do the asking.  And so we go on, day in and day out, with each other - which is not all bad, believe me; it would be far worse for anyone to go through this alone, and it wouldn't feel right for me not to do this with and for C.
It's also a bit of a let down for me not having anything particularly exciting or positive to share; and so as I realise that this blog is becoming mundane, so I realise that's why no-one comments on it.  Is anyone reading it any more?  It started as an outlet for me to share what we are going through - back in the early days post diagnosis I felt the need to get my thoughts and fears out there, a cathartic process for me, but as time goes on it becomes more difficult to do this - my fears are still there, my mind runs on, but I can't share this with everyone; the kids read this blog, so do a lot of our family, and for me to talk in the blog about what I am scared of will not do them any good, so I don't.    C said to me at the beginning that the blog should have a purpose, and it did when I started, but now I'm not sure what purpose it serves.  I can't and don't put down all the medical issues we are having, how we deal with them, because putting things down in black and white leaves what I say open to too much interpretation - and what I don't want to do is create a panic if someone reads something and takes it the wrong way.  So where do I go from here?